Poker is taking over. Half of internet that isn't porn or videos of people singing into their hairbrushes or that surprised prairie dog everyone seems to think was a chipmunk (nearly 1% of the whole thing) is given over to it. Televised poker tournaments have expanded from a programming director's drunken dare gone wrong to entire channels, and every poker player who hasn't already released a book is only delayed by trying to think of a poker-based title that isn't already taken. In five years, you'll have to play a hand of hold 'em just to see your doctor, and knowing a bad beat from a monster could be the difference between a lifesaving prescription and donating your body to medical science.

Every personality has strengths and mine are perfectly suited for playing the game of rekop - the exact opposite of poker. I have the attention span of a hummingbird in a blender, the pattern recognition of nineteen year old mother-of-three and the ability to transmit my emotions to people who aren't even in the room. There hasn't been a worse combination of skills and occupation since the case of the kleptomaniac bomb disposal expert. I've been forced to work harder and smarter to develop strategies for the green felt table, strategies I will now share. You're welcome.

1. Don't 'see what you get'

Some players treat poker like the lottery, throwing in money until they get that great hand which will automatically win. This type of player is known as a 'dumbass' or sometimes an 'ATM' by the others at the table. Don't continue in the vague hope of getting something good unless you particularly enjoy pissing into the wind while wearing expensive trousers.
To train yourself out of this habit, find some money you just happen to have lying around. Set the money on fire. While you watch it burn, hope for two more sevens to come on the turn. When the money becomes ash, tell yourself you're going to have to get that back on the next hand. Repeat until you fully grasp the deep complexities of this subtle metaphor.

2. Do not show your cards to the other players.

This is just bad strategy.

3. Have tits.

Poker is still a misogynist and male-dominated arena, which means 90% of the players can be rendered retarded by mammary glands. Reading the eyes and body language of opponents is a huge part of poker, but if those eyes are fluttering and the body language screaming "sexy" those skills will be rendered useless.
The part of the brain that processes poker is a very new addition to the skull, a tiny bird standing on the back of the rampaging hippopotamus of Primeval Sex Drive. One was invented a few years ago, the other predates clothing, and if it comes to a fight look on the ground for a hippo-foot shaped feather pancake. Man-tits can also work to confuse your enemies because, honestly, that's fucking gross.

4. If you get a good hand, try to contain yourself.

This is especially true if you get the best of all possible poker hands, nine kings.

5. Remember that you are a damn amateur.

Poker is like chainsaw juggling - try learning it from a book and you're going to look pretty stupid after losing a couple of hands.
Sentences like "Learn to read your opponents reactions" might as well be "Release energy by fusing hydrogen nuclei" - you know what to do but aren't one speck closer to being able to do it. Buying a book written by a poker superstar doesn't infuse you with magical wisdom: remember, this is someone who has made their entire living by taking money from people dumber than them. And you just gave them some money.

luke@lukemckinney.org
www.lukemckinney.org