Critics and weirdos who hang out on video game message boards have deemed "Bioshock" one of the best games of the year, not only for its excellent gameplay and art design, but also for its compelling and engrossing story. It's so good, in fact, that there's plenty that even I, the evil dictator of a fictional nation and also a scholar who wrote a dissertation on making children cry, can learn from it. Let me impart some knowledge to you.
(Note: This retrospective of learning contains major SPOILERS for a game that you're really not going to want to have spoiled if you ever think you might play it. So don't read this if you haven't played it. Or do. Whatever. See if I care.)
Lesson 1: If you're going to build your objectivist dream city, don't do it under the ocean.
You're just asking for leaks and rust and for the populace to drive itself insane with DNA-altering wonder drugs.
Whether it makes sense to build one's city on the moon or in some kind of microscopic mini-universe or inside a giant boot is still sort of a gray area.
Lesson 2: Snapping your fingers and being able to set things on fire is a really useful skill to have.
This is less something I learned more than a verification of what I already knew. Still, it's very comforting.
Lesson 3: Filling your city with vending machines that sell ammunition could backfire on you.
Sure, they're convenient, but maybe it would make more business sense to fill the place with machines that supply something else, like candy bars with your face on them or lead pipes.
Lesson 4: If you ever see a 300-plus pound giant in a diving suit and carrying a rivet gun to protect a little girl whose eyes are glowing, leave them alone.
Trust me on this.
Lesson 5: Alcohol increases your health. Likewise, cigarettes decrease your health, but increase your ability to shoot electricity from your hands.
I've tested this a number of times since playing "Bioshock." In fact, I'm testing in right now. And I just want to let you know that I've never felt better in my life, and also I've shorted out about six computers just writing this sentence.
Also, I'm totally ready to party. Paarrrrrty!
Lesson 6: No matter how pretty their dresses are, people trying to attack you with hooks on their hands should not be trusted.
Even if they're wearing festive bunny masks, hook-hand people are simply not the types you want to deal with. Be especially careful if said hook-hand people constantly repeat the same six or seven phrases over and over again.
Lesson 7: If you're ever going to go on a mission to assassinate the power-mad founder of an underwater city, make sure there are chambers all around that make it impossible for you to die.
They're a huge help, no joke. If you do accidentally mess with one of those diving suit guys, I mean, I just don't know what you would do without one of those chambers. Actually, I'm considering getting one installed in my bathroom, and just telling people it's a bidet or something.
Lesson 8: Radio calls from friendly-sounding Irishmen giving you hints regarding how to reach your goal are actually from ruthless gangsters who are controlling your actions by asking you things with the preface phrase "would you kindly." Also, you're actually the founder of the city's illegitimate son.
This is never not true.
