We here at the International Society of Supervillains are peerless masters of strategy and evil, but it never hurts to learn from others. Ming the Merciless really makes a cape work, Blofeld is a model for those juggling global dastardism and proper pet care, and Darth Vader taught us that if you're already the ultimate badass then don't risk screwing it up with an origin story. But even these magnificent menaces cannot compare to your "American Politics." And so we look now at some historical political figures and their achievements in these, some of democracy's greatest evil moments.

1. Richard Nixon in "Watergate"

Watergate was triggered in 1972 by president Richard Nixon's re-election strategy of "lying, spying, and breaking into enemies places and going through their stuff...ying." Unfortunately, his black-ops budget must have been running a little low in June that year, as those sent to break into the Democratic Party Headquarters were apprehended by the hotel night security guard. Which in espionage terms is on par with being caught red-handed by the potted plants in the lobby.

It's estimated that 85% of all TV owners watched the story unfold, which took over two years. These days blond, big-breasted Brazilian babes have entire careers shorter than that, and they jiggle on screen for every second of that hard-won attention. Wrinkly old dudes lying about lying just isn't going to cut it anymore, so it's hard to understand how it appealed then. It can be best understood as the very first 'reality TV', a prototype of "Survivor," maybe. There's the tapestry of lies and betrayals, confusing decoys and new background stories, coupled with utterly unrealistic behavior and the fact that the people who started it obviously had no fucking idea of how it was going to end. Also, one member of the administration was occasionally given an "immunity talisman," which, while it had no real official power, they could use to beat others into resigning before them.

The real reason we can't understand the enduring attention to Watergate is that it was fueled by outrage, a sense of shock and betrayal that a president could orchestrate a huge, secret campaign to illegally subvert an election. These days we'd be flattered by an effort to at least keep it secret. Besides, Nixon's whole spying re-election strategy has been rendered obsolete by recent Republican advances in the field of "just ignoring the votes you don't like."

2. George Wallace as pro-segregation presidential candidate

Many look back to the seventies as a simpler time: where men were men, they didn't have to deal with technology, and could run for government while shouting, "I'm a great big racist! Whoooooooo!" Many of those men live in Alabama, where in 1958 George Wallace lost the gubernatorial primaries on a platform of education and transport, but won in 1962 with a "Goldurnit, I shore do hate'un those darkies" strategy. He backed up this progressive strategy with the famous line "I draw the line in the dust and toss the gauntlet before the feet of tyranny, and I say segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever," which the sharper of you may be able to spot a slight contradiction in. Other things he did to promote his "all men are definitely created, but I'm not so sure about the equality" campaign include:

• promising to run over protesters with his limo.
• standing in the entrance to the University of Alabama to prevent two black students from entering, not leaving until the police arrived.
• seriously, a grown man running for elective office bullied two students, knowing he was being covered by the national news, until legal officials removed him.
• holy shit.
• he also took their lunch money, and called one of them fat.

Thus prepared to govern the land of the free, he ran for the presidency four times in total and frighteningly was a serious contender.

In his album, "200 mph," Bill Cosby jokes about killing George Wallace. We're not sure of the exact regulations here, but when you've driven Bill "the nicest man in the world" Cosby to murderous intent we think that could possibly you Satan. Perhaps realizing that he was in danger of growing a pencil mustache, donning a cape and monocle and starting to tie little girls to railway tracks, Mr Wallace reversed his views later in life.

Not that there's anything wrong with tying girls to railroad tracks while wearing monocles and having pencil mustaches. No sir.

3. Strom Thurmond sets longest filibuster record

Two of the rules that apply in senate:

1. People must be allowed to talk about the issue at hand.
2. Each issue is limited to a finite amount of time, otherwise government could grind to a halt.

Those rules are fair, sensible, useful, and it takes a bastard about one microsecond to see how they can be loopholed to destroy any legislation. That's a filibuster: not shutting up until the deadline for passing a law has expired. It would get you punched in the face in a high school debate club (trust us on this one), but it's been used to ruinous effect at the highest levels. The fact that "reasoned argument" loses out to verbal grinding opens some kind of political vortex, a legal porthole through which the ability to talk pointlessly at length confers political power and we could enter a nightmare world governed by bloggers. Proper spelling will be outlawed, v0w3ls w1ll b3 b@nn3d, and every TV channel will be an endless government broadcast about how their cat, Mittens, is so cutey cutey cute and understands every word they say.

In 1957, Strom Thurmond set the record for the longest filibuster ever by talking for 24 hours and 18 minutes in an attempt to derail the Civil Rights act. That's right, a man who had been elected, by people, into government spoke for over a day in order to prevent black people gaining equal rights. He dehydrated himself in a sauna beforehand so that wouldn't need to take toilet breaks, and had an aide standing by in the cloakroom with a bucket just in case. Yes, you read that earlier part correctly: this man was prepared to piss in a bucket in the U.S. Senate in order to prevent black people from being able to drink water out of the same fountain that he had not had anything to drink out of so he wouldn't piss.

That's like a pretzel of crazy.

luke@lukemckinney.org
www.lukemckinney.org