When the Evil Editorial Board here at The ISS decided to do a preview all of this fall's upcoming movies, we quickly came to the realization that Hollywood puts out a holy hell of a lot of stuff. There's like, three or four every week, at least! And so, we decided to just talk about the ones we felt like in this look at the films coming out over the next three months or so, two of which inexplicably star The Rock.
September 21
The Jane Austen Book Club
Trailer
What it’s about: A movie based on a book about five women that read books by Jane Austen.
What to expect: This movie promises to have the entire audience menstruating by the closing credits. Even the most masculine, hormone enhanced members of the audience will be spotting after 45 minutes.
September 28
The Game Plan
Trailer
What it's about: A football player (The Rock) discovers that he's a dad when his daughter shows up on his doorstep.
What to expect: Based on the trailer, we can expect the height of all comedy, which includes funny lispy talking, football players acting feminine and lots of bubbles. Thank God a wrestler has filled the huge "super-muscle man who does traditional woman's work" void left by the departure of Hulk Hogan from movie screens.
The Darjeeling Limited
Trailer
What it's about: Three brothers travel through India on a train on some kind of spiritual journey or something.
What to expect: First and foremost, we can breathe a sigh of relief and rest assured that the movie will contain weird noses, with both Adrien Brody and Owen Wilson in starring roles. Also, it's a Wes Anderson movie, so we wouldn't bet against people walking in slow motion as catchy, but not-too-catchy music plays.
October 5
The Heartbreak Kid
Trailer
What it's about: Ben Stiller marries a lady to find out she's crazy. Then he meets a better lady.
What to expect: Apparently Ben Stiller plays some kind of parody of himself in this, or he has genuinely become one. Seriously, they could call this movie "Ben Stiller Movie No. 47" and we'd all pretty much be on the same page regarding what it was going to be.
October 12
Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Trailer
What it’s about: Queen Elizabeth stands up to the Spanish Armada with Oscar-worthy speeches and costumes.
What to expect: Two of the following: Accents, reviews using the phrase "tour de force" and the Cate Blanchett love scene we won’t see in that Bob Dylan biopic.
Postal
Trailer
What it's about: Bush is running through flowers with Bin Laden, and then there's a nuclear explosion, and some dude is apparently mad about stuff and Dave Foley is in this for some reason. So what I'm saying is I have no idea.
What to expect: Well, this one's got just about everything going for it. It's 1) directed by none other than Uwe Boll, whose video-game adaptations have caused no less than 1,200 message board posters' heads to explode with rage. On top of that, it's 2) based a horribly-reviewed game where you can use a cat as a silencer. So weep, all ye who pay $9.50 for this.
October 19
30 Days of Night
Trailer
What it's about: Vampires go on a rampage when an Alaska town spends 30 straight days in darkness.
What to expect: Expect much of the movie to be taken up by a town council meeting in which the lone member who thought it was a good idea to line the streets with crosses and cloves of garlic repeatedly tells her fellow council people, "See? I told you I wasn't crazy!" Also, probably biting and stuff.
October 26
Saw IV
Trailer
What it's about: The Jigsaw Killer returns yet again to put people in even more ridiculous death traps.
What to expect: We just don't know! What twists and turns will this movie reveal? Will the victims escape? Will the killer turn out to have been there with the victims all along in some uber-retarded shock ending? Will the acting possibly be worse than what came in the previous entries in the series? You just don't know what you're getting with a Saw movie!
November 2
American Gangster
Trailer
What it's about: Cop Russell Crowe takes on crime boss Denzel Washington.
What to expect: Russell Crowe will say something like, "Give it up, Denzel! You can't win!" and then Denzel will be all like, "You must be kidding, my man. I've already won," and then Russell Crowe will be all, "I'm takin' you down," and then Denzel will say, "I'd like to see you try."
Bee Movie
Trailer
What it’s about: A bee, voiced by Jerry Seinfeld, sues humans for eating honey.
What to expect: A complex allegory about the dangers of consolidated power and the frivolity of the post-modern world. Also, An explanation of just what, exactly, is the deal with honey.
November 9
Fred Claus
Trailer
What it's about: Santa Claus' annoying, possibly autistic brother shows up for the holidays.
What to expect: Sure, the trailer wants to make us all projectile vomit all over Vince Vaughn for doing this to us, but who's to say a Christmas comedy like this can't be good? Don't you remember the wonder and magic of the Ben Affleck vehicle "Saving Christmas?" Or "Christmas With the Kranks?" Any of the three "Santa Clause" movies? Okay, nevermind.
Southland Tales
Trailer
What it's about: In a huge stretch, The Rock plays an action star who looks on as the world faces economic and environmental ruin.
What to expect: The Rock will be fidgety, a narrator will repeatedly say "This is the way the world ends," Sarah Michelle Gellar will say lines that seem like they should be clever but aren't, Seann William Scott will seem half-asleep, Jon Lovitz will have hair like Wesley Snipes' character in "Demolition Man," Justin Timberlake will have a scar that doesn't change the fact that he's Justin Timberlake, Cheri Oteri will remain unfunny and none of it will make any damn sense.
November 16
Beowulf
Trailer
What it’s about: In the entirely CG production, Beowulf, hero of the Geats, fights the monster Grendel. Then, he fights Grendel’s mother.
What to expect: The Old English tale brought to life on the big screen and then killed by that creepy “Polar Express” animation, unrecognizable performances by big stars and generous use of the words Geats, which is not a double entendre.
November 23
Hitman
Trailer
What it’s about: A hitman.
What to expect: Let’s take a quick look at other films based on video games: "Super Mario Bros.," "Double Dragon," "Street Fighter," "Mortal Kombat," "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation," "Tomb Raider," "Doom." If you enjoyed those movies then perhaps “Hitman” is for you. If you can’t get a ticket to the theater then you will surely be able to watch it on TBS over and over again.
