International Society of Supervillains: The Website Debates, Part 7: The Match.com Match of Wits

Score!

With the popularity of the Democratic YouTube Debate a couple months ago and the soon-to-come Republican YouTube Debate, a number of other popular websites on the national internets have decided to get in on the act and hold debates of their own. We continue our preview of these upcoming presidential shout-offs with a look at the latest debate, sponsored by Match.com.

Format

The idea behind this debate is to match up a candidate with the voters that are right for him/her. If the debate does not work within six months, the candidate gets his or her money back, guaranteed.

The debate begins with each candidate introducing themselves, giving his or her age, where he or she is from and who he or she is looking for. Then the candidates will proceed to answer very generic questions that are supposed to exemplify their personalities. Questions like, "What kind of music do you like?" or "Say something about yourself only a few people know." They will answer with wildly exaggerated half-truths about themselves to try to make themselves seem more appealing to the people they're trying to attract. Like, for instance, they say they've read "Ulysses" even though nobody has ever read that book, not even James Joyce.

After the questions are answered, the candidates will each be set up with the voters they are said to match best with, and will have very awkward interactions with them.

The debate will be moderated by Dr. Phil, who will say many unintentionally hilarious things.

Who they're looking for:

The Democrats

Bill Richardson: "I want someone who will look trouble in the eye and say, 'Could you not do that, please? If it's not too much trouble, I mean.'"

Hillary Clinton: "What I really admire in a person is coattails."

Mike Gravel: "I don't need nobody! Pfft!"

Barack Obama: "It's not what I need. It's what you need. You know what I'm talkin' about."

John Edwards: "I'm looking for what's right and what's good and what's right. That's what I'm looking for."

Dennis Kucinich: "All I want is a stool to stand on."

The Republicans

Rudy Giuliani: "What I need is someone with a very selective memory."

Mitt Romney: "I'm interested in someone who likes me for me, just like they like untoasted, unbuttered white bread."

Fred Thompson: "I'm looking for the biggest 'Die Hard 2' fans out there. Let's hear it!"

John McCain: "I need a hero. I need a hero to hold out to the end of the night. He's gotta be strong. He's gotta be fast. And he's gotta make it through the fight."