by M. Tyrone Darklord
There are three prerequisites to becoming a professional rock critic: An iron will to impose your opinions about music on others, a writing style reminiscent of high school English papers and thick glasses. Owning lots of flannel shirts helps, too.
Some critics are able to overcome these handicaps and keep us posted on the latest and greatest music.
Most, however, manage to turn thoughtful essays about contemporary rock into irrelevant, navel-gazing diary entries. They are familiar with the following:
Commonly used rock critic descriptions for bands that don’t really tell you anything about the band:
“Known for their energetic live show”
“Inspired by Bob Dylan, The Beatles and The Beach Boys”
“Catchy hooks”
“An eclectic sound that is a melting pot of the band’s diverse influences”
“Hard working”
“Sonic tour-de-force.”
“Their goal is to have fun while playing for as many people as possible”
“Unique”
“Their own brand of funk”
“They do what comes naturally: Rock”
“Angular”
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