Last week we provided you with seven examples of monsters in comics which, in their own way, were kind of scary.

But let's face it, folks, the overwhelming majority of the monsters we supervillains tend to come up with aren't on par with your 'Night of the Living Dead' zombies, your John Carpenter's The Things, or, to a lesser degree, your 'Phantasm' death balls.

Just to prove it, here's a list of comic-book monsters which...well...they were a good try, anyway.

Fin Fang Foom
What is he/she/it?
Old Foomy is a native of the fun-to-say-but-only-when-you-know-how planet Kakaranathara, which is home to a race of similarly large dragons who enjoy taking over planets. He and his countrymen invaded China and tried to take over by posing as humans. Everybody except Foom, that is, who got put on reserve and was put to sleep with some kind of herb. Later, a Chinese kid woke him up and made him fight Iron Man.
What's not scary about him/her/it?
Basically any fear that Fin Fang Foom could have previously struck has been negated by his appearance in Warren Ellis' superb "Nextwave" series, in which the giant dragon wears purple underwear and has a compulsion to stick people in them. "Fin Fang Foom put you in his pants," he said. And with that, any hope of scariness was gone.
Almost scary because...
On second thought, getting stuck inside a giant dragon's underpants would be pretty horrifying.

Morbius
What is he/she/it?
Michael Morbius was a Nobel-Prize-winning biochemist who just happened to have a rare blood disease. He threw together some vampire bat DNA and electroshock therapy because apparently that was a good idea. He came out a vampire who wasn't really dead, but really enjoyed blood.
What's not scary about him/her/it?
Well, you know, being a vampire is all well and good, but who cares if all you're going to do is be all whiny about how you can't control the hunger and wah wah wah I wish I didn't have to live like this, I am a giant vagina. Seriously, if you're going to have to drink blood to live, man up, Morbius.
Almost scary because...
In the "Spider-Man" cartoon series, Morbius sucked out people's blood with his hands, which is way more frightening than any old biting, if you ask me.

Etrigan, The Demon
What is he/she/it?
Etrigan is a demon from hell who just happens to be bonded to a guy by the name of Jason Blood. That's right, his name is Jason Blood.
What's not scary about him/her/it?
First and foremost, he kinda just looks like a Muppet. I mean, the yellow skin and the funny clothes and the kind of goofy-looking face just make him look like Gonzo's cousin. Secondly, it's just a little...silly that a demon from hell can only speak in rhyming verse. It's the same problem you've got with the Leprechaun -- you want to be frightened, but at the same time, you're having trouble getting past the fact that "ripe" and "strife" don't really rhyme.
Almost scary because...
Though Etrigan looks kind of like a Muppet, Jason Blood is a total badass.

The Marvel Zombies
What is he/she/it?
Imagine all your favorite Marvel heroes -- Spider-Man, Captain America, the Hulk -- now imagine them wanting to eat you.
What's not scary about him/her/it?
For one thing, despite the fact that this Spider-Man ate Mary Jane and Aunt May, he's still Spider-Man, and he still reacts to the fact that Mary Jane and Aunt May are dead the way Spider-Man would, which is to say by blaming himself for it. And it's kind of hard to be afraid of Spider-Man, frankly. The other thing is, these guys are just too funny to be scary. When the Hulk is getting mad and quibbling with Iron Man about how much he should get to eat, it's almost a sitcom-like situation. Even when these guys were chomping on my guts, I would probably be chuckling.
Almost scary because...
The first appearance of the Marvel Zombies -- when the zombie Fantastic Four appeared to their Ultimate counterparts -- was genuinely pretty creepy and surprising.

Vampirella
What is he/she/it?
Vampirella is a lady vampire with boobs. There's also something about her being from the planet Drakulon or something, but I think we can agree that none of that really matters.
What's not scary about him/her/it?
I mean, yes, on the one hand, she is a vampire. I'll give her that. But on the other hand, boobs. Boobs aren't scary. Boobs can't ever be scary.
Almost scary because...
But wait...what if the boobs themselves were vampires, and when you tried to get all up ons, they totally bit you?!?!

I just blew my own mind.

Man-Wolf
What is he/she/it?
John Jameson was just your average workaday astronaut when he discovered an otherdimensional ruby on the moon that changed him into a white wolf that could walk upright when it was hit by moonlight.
What's not scary about him/her/it?
Seriously. Look at that costume. I don't care if he's ripping my jugular right out of my throat, there's no way an all-white wolf man in a gold and green jumper who also happens to be wearing a glowing red choker is going to make me do anything but joke about how he'd better get to the Estee Lauder counter before it closes.
Almost scary because...
For a little while there, John Jameson was calling himself Stargod and could change between his human and wolf form at will. That allowed him to be a total playa, and almost take fly honies like the She-Hulk away from we supervillains who are the charming, but not until after you get to know us types.

Spawn
What is he/she/it?
CIA agent Al Simmons got killed by his own boss after witnessing the guy being a douche. He made a deal with the devil so he could return to earth and see his wife again. Also, he got a bitchin' cape out of the deal.
What's not scary about him/her/it?
Let me relate to you an average issue of "Spawn": Oh God I miss my wife but she's with another guy wah wah oh here's a demon go away demon I don't like you I'll talk to my friend. My wife! Now I'll sit on this building while my cape gets ever huger. Terrifying, isn't it? Seriously, Spawn is like one of those kids who sits outside of the mall in a HIM t-shirt: Not pleasant to look at, but not for the reasons they think.
Almost scary because...
It's still being published.

KingOblivionPhD@the-iss.com