"Well, why don't you just jump on it?"

That was Mario's solution to everything. If somebody had a zit or had gotten herpes or something in high school, he'd always try to help the poor schmuck out by telling them "Hey, you better jump on that." Or when we took over Dad's plumbing business, his first question to each customer would always be "You tried jumpin' on it?" And then of course he would just jump on the poor dope's drainpipes until I made him stop or we had to re-install basically the whole system.

I was the only one who ever knew how to work a plunger.

Then there was the time we tried to start up our own pizza business, which, of course, was short-lived. If he'd only taken his boots off, and washed his feet every once in a while maybe the Department of Health wouldn't have caused such a fuss.

He's lucky we ended up here, in the Mushroom Kingdom. If you couldn't take down a goomba with a good boot to the head, I don't know where we'd be quite honestly. It helps that Bowser always keeps those axes nearby, too.

Still, things can be weird sometimes. Mario's only bit of advice during those, well, special periods when he picks flowers and puts on his orange overalls: "Why not throw fireballs at it?" Well, that's a whole other can of worms.

He just...he doesn't understand. I mean, he's a good guy and he's my brother, and I have to say, there is no better groomed moustache in all of Brooklyn, but the guy's not the shiniest monkey wrench in the toolbox, if you get my meaning. Yeah, he's the one who's always in the spotlight, mainly because he does have a certain charm about him with his "It's-a me!"s. And he's older, but, let's face it, he'd probably be in jail or worse if I wasn't around.

I like to let him think he's in charge, and sometimes that gives him a big head, like when he claims to "understand" Yoshi. Don't let this get out, but just between you and me, Yoshi ain't sayin' nothin'. He never has been. He's just a gigantic iguana that Mario found on the side of the road one afternoon. To this day, I don't understand why he started calling it a dinosaur. And that little sound that Yoshi makes when Mario gets on him, well, that's pain he's expressing there. Really excruciating pain.

But, generally, the main thing that Mario does when he gets all egotistical is try to give his "world famous" advice to anyone who'll listen, which he'll repeat until you figure out a way to stop him:

"Why don't you just jump on it?"

I sigh.

"Mario," I say, "I can't just jump on it. First of all, it's not an 'it' at all. It's a she. Her name's Lola. And she's not like your little Princess Toadstool there. Or is it 'Peach' now? I don't even know anymore. Anyway, it's not like her, who you can jump on whenever you like just because you saved her from Bowser or King Koopa or whatever a few times. I mean, he wasn't even going to do anything to her anyway. How dangerous is a giant flying clown anyway? Or a room with a brick floor that he's just going to smash through? Really?

"But no, Lola's different. She's a woman. A woman who I...you know, I think I could make things work with her. I really do. I just -- I don't know how to get her to notice me.

"But anyway, I don't even want to think about what you mean by saying I should just jump on her. She's just...she's not like that."

"Sorry, man, I was just trying to help."

Oh, and now the guilt.

"I know, Mario, I know."

"You know, Luigi, sometimes I wish that life was nothing but just putting on a raccoon tail and flying around and occasionally jumping on seemingly docile turtle-like creatures. Or maybe collecting floating coins that haven't been claimed by anyone and thus, I assume I can keep. Things would be so much easier that way."

"Tell me about it, bro," I said. "I mean, even beyond all that Lola business, the bills are piling up around here. Plumbing jobs are more and more scarce these days. I don't even know when the last time was we went on a job, and we owe money to just about everyone in town after betting on that little guy in all those boxing matches."

Mario's face lights up like an invincibility star and he stares right at me.

"I know what we could do!" he exclaims. "About the bills!

"We could jump on them!"

I pick a giant radish out of the ground and throw it at him.

KingOblivionPhD@the-iss.com