by King Oblivion, Ph.D.
Everyone's favorite band that it's cool to like because not everyone likes them, Radiohead, shocked the world last week when they released their seventh studio album, "In Rainbows," via the band's website with a pricing system that allows fans to pay whatever they want, including £0.00 ($9,000 American).
The band's distribution plan has proved so revolutionary that much of the attention has shifted away from their music, which, honestly, is probably a good thing, since none of the hipster kids who have literally been jizzing all over themselves about "OK Computer" for a decade think that anything can ever top that 1997 classic. But that also creates a problem: How will Radiohead top their groundbreaking way of selling its album? Much like they've had trouble satisfying fans with their music, can they manage to come up with bigger and better distribution methods?
Luckily, we broke into Radiohead's manager's house and found the plans for how they aim to top themselves.
2009
For their eighth album, "!Outside/upsidE?," Radiohead will develop technology that streams the album directly into fans' brains, to play on a regular interval until they say a secret code word (branchestreesleaves). One out of 10 fans will develop a paranoid schizophrenia, but that's just because the album's so good, you know? Still, fans will decry the low quality of the sound.
2012
The 10 tracks for the band's ninth studio record, "CookieCukieCooky," will be recorded entirely on a box full of chocolate chip cookies. Fans will be asked to pay for one of the cookies, and then eat it. Those fans will then be asked to belch into a microphone, the sound of which will be recorded onto another set of cookies (shortbread), which other fans will then eat, and so on.
2016
Radiohead's next album, "The Four Seasons," will magically appear in the homes and memories of classical music aficionados after the band travels back in time and spends several years posing as Venetian composer Vivaldi.
2017
Using advanced cloning technology, Radiohead will release the 10th anniversary version of "In Rainbows" and the 20th anniversary edition of "OK Computer" by creating thousands of versions of themselves to come to fans' houses and play the audio files on their computers.
2022
Radiohead's eleventh album, "Cannibal Massacre," will be a collection of covers of songs by thrash and death metal bands. The songs will be recorded on rolled-up pieces of paper, which will be delivered to fans' doorsteps by a boy riding a bicycle.
2550
The band's long-awaited twelfth album will finally be released after a 528-year wait. The music industry will be turned on its head when the band releases the record, "Songs To Swing To," on a large black disc with a hole in the middle. They will commission the construction of several "buildings" in which the discs will be sold, but only for "paper" "currency." It will also be released in conjunction with something called "Capitol Records," whatever that is.
Share or be shared:
Comments
this is weak...
Posted by: ann | October 18, 2007 7:12 PM
This is more than weak--it fucking sucks. Nice job on making one of the worst Radiohead jokes ever, ISS. International Society of Suckers (of cock).
Posted by: Lops | October 18, 2007 8:01 PM
i hate radiohead and i think their latest marketing gimmick was pretty stupid ... and i STILL think this article sucks.
Posted by: robert mccready | October 18, 2007 8:08 PM
quit. or get fired. whichever. this article is painfully un-funny.
Posted by: steve | October 18, 2007 8:29 PM
Fuck the two faggots above, this article is hilarious!
Posted by: The JZA | October 18, 2007 8:31 PM
Okay, folks. But can we get past the pleasantries and you tell me what you really thought of it?
Posted by: King Oblivion | October 18, 2007 8:52 PM
This article is literary diarrhea. Don't quit your day job - whatever it might be. Ernest Hemingway, you are not.
Posted by: Mike | October 18, 2007 9:07 PM
I think you just pissed off a bunch of Radiohead fans. And people that don't like boring writing. That is a lot of people. I don't want to rag on your boring article though. So in order to be a bit more positive, I'll salute you on your near perfect grammar. Nice job.
Posted by: Jim | October 18, 2007 10:23 PM
terrible
and i'm not even a radiohead fan
Posted by: adam | October 18, 2007 11:09 PM
I'll tell you what I thought of it:
It sucked. It's an obvious joke about an overblown thing that you probably only wrote because it's "popular" news.
Also... this is their first "revolutionary" distribution... why does that warrant a (fictional) trend if every other out-of-the-ordinary thing they've done hasn't? It just doesn't work, and the more I think about it, the more I want to read something else. Like a book. Or porn.
Posted by: JohnyJoe | October 18, 2007 11:17 PM
weird. i thought the article was really funny. but i actually understand satire, so that probably helps. don't worry. i'm sure king oblivion, ph.d., has an upcoming piece on fart jokes that will be more your speed.
Posted by: dorie | October 18, 2007 11:25 PM
Wow, it's like the refugees from the comment thread of a five-star YouTube video on how to slice your hand open on a butterknife to the tune of a terrible, terrible Fall Out Boy song all spontaneously decided to come rag on an innocuous bit of satire about the Sacred Cow of the Month.
Get off the computer before your Mom comes back down stairs and catches you pooping on your keyboard and calling it "commenting".
Dorks.
Posted by: JB | October 18, 2007 11:37 PM
Yawn.
Posted by: bryan | October 19, 2007 3:04 AM
hey JB, how many times did king oblivion have to suck you off for you to leave that comment?
Posted by: steve | October 19, 2007 5:26 AM
I actually laughed a bit, it wasn't that bad. The CookieCukieCooky bit was rather comical.
Posted by: Jake | October 19, 2007 6:44 AM
This article was so terrible that I decided to read it. (Everything that I read is terrible)
Posted by: Stocc | October 19, 2007 8:17 AM
I am a Radiohead fan and I thought it was rather funny. It's great music, but marketing is marketing. 1.2 million downloads in one day says it all.
Posted by: TB | October 19, 2007 9:06 AM
Did a 12 year old write this?
Posted by: J | October 19, 2007 11:18 AM
I laughed out loud at "The Four Seasons" joke. Very funny.
I suspect Radiohead will distribute their next album by randomly calling people when they're not home and recording the songs onto their voicemail or answering machine.
Posted by: David | October 19, 2007 4:12 PM
I get why this was written, but honestly it isn't that funny. Also, you kind of bring on this onslaught of comments by ripping into radiohead fans in a way that shows that you do not know very much about them. I like radiohead, though I think they have been/can be rather pretentious. The OK Computer jokes are stupid, most radiohead fans love the album, but even more of them love other albums like Kid A or the Bends. Its obvious you either do not know what you are talking about, or didnt spend much time researching what you were writing
Posted by: Jroe | October 19, 2007 4:33 PM
David is right. you don't seem to know much about radiohead fans. and the article was meh, at best.
Posted by: ac | October 19, 2007 6:20 PM
wow...thought it could've been funny...barely any thought put into this piece of crap...
Posted by: anon | October 19, 2007 7:07 PM
Hilarious article! *stop* Really great. *stop* "Kid A" is one of my favorite albums. *stop* I hate fanboys/girls. *stop*
Posted by: rahree | October 19, 2007 10:47 PM
wow. harsh comments. the article is damn funny.
Posted by: Jeff R | October 24, 2007 11:24 PM
Yeah, ignore them, I'm an OK Computer jockey and I loved this article!
Posted by: Pork Gun | October 29, 2007 4:03 AM
I chuckled only once while perusing this sad satire, and it was in the first paragraph. "0.00lb ($9,000 American)"
Posted by: sneed | December 6, 2007 1:25 PM
0.00lb! lol!
Posted by: Vickie | December 8, 2007 3:42 PM
The people that hated it didn't get it. The people that did laughed. The people that didn't get it mainly consist of always cynical art school kids.
Posted by: Kramer | December 24, 2007 1:59 AM