With the release of 'Guitar Hero III' last week and 'Rock Band' about to hit this month, never has there been more interest in creating fake music.
Despite the fact that many plastic guitar enthusiasts have seen a recent renaissance, many seem to believe there is more value in playing songs on real guitars with like, tabs and notes and stuff. But do those people realize all the things a 'Guitar Hero' virtuoso can do with those skills? We do. Here are just a few instances in which those skills could be the saving grace:
Terrorists have overtaken the local Best Buy and have threatened to shoot all the 'Battlestar Galactica' DVDs out of a gun fashioned out of parts from several Plasma TVs and a refrigerator at the people at the Target across the street. The terrorists are bested, however, when a brave young player gets every note in the Expert version of 'Killing in the Name' at the store's demo kiosk, which makes the terrorists realize that, fuck you, they shouldn't do what you tell them. As a result, they give up on terrorism, buy some Rage CDs and go smoke in front of Forever 21.
A local business tycoon has a heart attack and collapses just as he gets ready to sign his revised will, which gives nearly twenty hundred million dollars to the local orphanage. Resuscitating the elderly gentleman is particularly difficult in that, due to his very rare illness, the man cannot be revived unless CPR is performed such that each thrust is in the exact same time as every downstroke of 'Mother' by Danzig. Luckily, an intrepid paramedic is familiar with a certain game that involves a certain Fisher-Price-style plastic guitar, and the man is saved.
Doc Brown creates a time machine out of an old DeLorean. The machine works perfectly when Marty McFly tests it, but instead of 1955, he ends up in 2007, and in an alternate reality where 'Guitar Hero II' had Johnny B. Goode in it. To save the marriage of his future-parents, Marty has to play the song into the Xbox 360 at their very nerdy prom. Having never heard anything like this before, one of Chuck Berry's cousins holds an Xbox Live headset up to the speakers after saying, "You know that new sound you lookin' for? Well, listen to this!"
The president accidentally sets off all the nuclear launch codes, and then promptly dies. Without the one man who has the keys to stopping the code, ingenious hackers must be called in to halt the destruction of all mankind, as well as all of mankind's stuff. Ironically, the source code for the system that controls the launching system relies on a set of green, red, yellow, blue and orange buttons, and is operated when the user pushes those buttons in a rhythmic sequence. "Shit, it's a good thing we played 'Guitar Hero,'" one of the hackers says, before saving the world.
A giant iguana is rampaging through Chicago. Authorities and the military have figured out no way to stop the iguana as it slowly tears through the city, eating all its inhabitants. You, a huge fan of both 'Guitar Hero' and 'Rock Band,' realize that hey, maybe your life wasn't a waste after all, if you knew you were going to go out this ridiculously.
KingOblivionPhD@the-iss.com
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Comments
...G-Mask's quality-control has gone waaay down.
Posted by: Eric | November 7, 2007 1:56 PM
This could have been funny, but you're trying too hard.
Posted by: ok | November 7, 2007 3:38 PM
eh...could have been very funny, but i don't think it was.
Posted by: cliff | November 7, 2007 7:38 PM
This is shit.
Posted by: sephim | November 7, 2007 9:30 PM
Pretty good. That one about the terrorists in Best Buy was classic.
Posted by: thejackyl | November 7, 2007 9:51 PM
"...G-Mask's quality-control has gone waaay down."
Agreed. BIG time.
Posted by: AnusFace | November 8, 2007 12:41 AM
Ouch. I was just talking to a co-worker about how sweet GH3 is. I feel totally retarded now. Thanks!
Posted by: crawfordtexasjingojango | November 8, 2007 11:11 AM
There's one more scenario. Having been turned down by women again and again, you decide that you want to remain a virgin throughout your teens by playing this game. Sadly, if only you had picked up a REAL guitar and learned music, a skill that lasts a lifetime and far outlasts the time in your life you flush down the drain playing GH, you would not only enrich yourself but get laid throughout college.
Posted by: FORGOT ONE | November 10, 2007 12:08 AM
Worst "article" ever. Total crap.
Posted by: C | November 12, 2007 3:10 PM
... people are retarded. it is a game. not to be confused with something ment to be taken more seriously.
Posted by: Ivan | November 12, 2007 11:32 PM
You know, I've seen a dozen "articles" like this one (granted, the others were much better) and I just want to say...for chrissake...it's a GAME...let people play it with out making fun of them. Jealous because you suck at it or something?
Posted by: Bill Vincent | November 12, 2007 11:43 PM
it's a game, relax.
Posted by: PK | November 13, 2007 11:54 PM
everybody keeps saying "it's a game"... that's a good point. but i don't think this article is meant to belittle anyone, just poke fun at the nature of video game enthusiasts. see, it's like a joke... which is something that is supposed to be funny.
Posted by: mgm | December 13, 2007 12:15 PM