Much like our look a few months ago at this fall's movies, we decided pretty quickly when we started taking a look at all the movies coming out this holiday season that there are just too damn many, and some of them we didn't really feel like writing jokes about (seriously, how do you make a joke out of "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story," which already has like, four jokes in the title?).

But some of them, we did! So here are those.

November 30th

The Savages

Trailer

What it’s about: Emotional family members talk, cry, talk, tell a joke, talk, cry, talk, get emotional, talk, learn a life lesson, talk, mature, talk.
What to expect: Your family, but with a soundtrack and a $10 ticket price.

December 7th

The Golden Compass

Trailer

What it’s about: Just in time for Christmas, the atheist response to “Chronicles of Narnia” and “Battlefield Earth.”
What to expect: Fighting polar bears and inter-dimensional travel. Oh, and possibly some kind of compass that may be made of some sort of precious metal, we're not sure.

Grace Is Gone

Trailer

What it's about: John Cusack plays a dad who learns his wife has died in Iraq, and decides to take his kid on a road trip to tell them. So we're guessing it's a hilarious family road comedy featuring a car that they have to push off to start and a wacky uncle character.
What to expect: Honestly, I don't know. If a movie with John Cusack in it doesn't include him listing his top fives of things or holding up stereos playing Peter Gabriel, I can't even begin to understand it.

December 14th

I Am Legend

Trailer

What it's about: We originally thought this was the story of Will Smith's ego told in first person, but it turns out it's about a guy who fights zombies.
What to expect: Given that this is a remake of "The Omega Man," we expect, nay, demand, that the whole first half of the movie feature nothing but the kick-ass protagonist just shooting the hell out of zombies, and basically nothing else. Otherwise, we cannot be held responsible for our actions.

Juno

Trailer

What it's about: A girl who shares a name with a Canadian music award gets pregnant, and George Michael from "Arrested Development" happens to be the father. She decides to let a friendly couple adopt the kid, who just happen to be Michael from "Arrested Development" and the "Alias" chick.
What to expect: Quirk! So much quirk. Like how at the beginning of the trailer Dwight from "The Office" says something in colloquial hood-speak. But he's white! That's just silly! Then, the girl says something sarcastic. I am choking on the quirkiness!

The Perfect Holiday

Trailer

What it’s about: Queen Latifah narrates. Charlie Murphy plays “J-Jizzy” (seriously). Terrence Howard plays “Mr. Bah-Humbug.” It has something to do with Christmas.
What to expect: This is why screen writers went on strike.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Trailer

What it’s about: Hoping to capitalize on the success of the “Garfield” movie, Hollywood brings us an updated, live action movie about the singing rodents and their manager, David Seville.
What to expect: Alvin wears a hoodie. Simon has a Kangol. Theodore has sunglasses. So there. Also, there is no way this movie tops 1987’s “The Chipmunk Adventure,” which included a hot-air balloon race, diamonds and the Chipettes.

Youth Without Youth

Trailer
What it’s about: Francis Ford Coppola makes his first film in a decade by adapting a book published during his best decade, the 1970s.
What to expect: Beware of parallels: Coppola says it’s a very personal film. It’s about a man who survives a catastrophic event (“Jack”?) and regains some of his youth.

December 21st

National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Trailer

What it's about: Nicolas Cage returns as the not-quite-Indiana-Jones, but also not-quite-the-guy-from-the-Da-Vinci-Code treasure hunter Hacky McCashin. In this adventure, he discovers a book with all of America's secrets. No word yet on whether all of the Colonel's 11 herbs and spices are listed.
What to expect: Considering the content of the trailer, we can anticipate that 1) Nicolas Cage will be even more insufferable than usual and 2) all other characters will speak only in exposition.

P.S., I Love You

Trailer

What it’s about: Hilary Swank’s husband, Gerard Butler, dies. But before he goes, he arranges to have messages sent to her after his death. There’s nothing creepy or supernatural at play here. Just a touching story about life and love, clearly.
What to expect: The gal from “The Next Karate Kid” and “Million Dollar Baby” makes a movie with the guy from “300,” but they’re not here to fight. They’re here for emotional healing. Feel free to leave your testicles at home for this one.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Trailer

What it's about: A wrongly exiled man returns to London to open a barber shop, where he just happens to kill people. Then those people get baked into pies. Oh, and there are songs about the dead people getting put into pies. No kidding.
What to expect: By all indications, this may be the Tim Burtoniest movie ever made. It's got Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, genuinely has a good reason to look gothic and is sure to include scenes of people eating disgusting things. Honestly, throw a couple scissors on Depp's hands and replace the Sondheim score with Danny Elfman music and he could just call it a career.

Christmas Week

Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem

Trailer

What it's about: We'll give you three guesses, but the first two don't count.
What to expect: We have to admit it's a nice touch to throw in the faux-artsy "Requiem" subtitle, but let's face it here, folks. This movie is going to be about lasers and facehuggers and infrared scanners and drool and either you're into it or you're not. Unless they throw a real curveball at us here and throw in a C.H.U.D. or something, you know how you're going to be spending your $10.50.

There Will Be Blood

Trailer

What it’s about: A Texas oil baron gets a little too greedy, a kid preacher stands up to him and someone wins and Oscar.
What to expect: Blood. Also, Daniel Day Lewis with an accent and moustache intimidating everyone around him in a film with two big surprises: It’s not a sequel to “Gangs of New York,” and it’s not about the Bush family.

Cassandra's Dream

Trailer

What it's about: In his third love letter to London, Woody Allen tells the tale of two brothers who try to find ways to out-crime each other to impress a girl, who basically just wants their money.
What to expect: From the description, it just sounds like an unfunny version of "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels." But if "Match Point" was any indication of Allen's new directing style, at least there will be a real, serious point that he will beat into our heads for the movie's entire running time. So that'll be different.

treachery@the-iss.com