“Declaring that 'business as usual is not good enough for American travelers,' Bush announced at the White House a series of detailed technical steps to reduce air traffic congestion and long delays that have left passengers stranded and turned holiday travel into ‘a season of dread for too many Americans.’“ The Associated Press, Nov. 16.

My fellow Americans, Thanksgiving is a difficult time for many of us. What began as a celebratory feast between Indians and Pilgrims has turned into a time of fear.

Today, I say fear Thanksgiving no more. Rejoice, with food and harmony, as our ancestors did so long ago.

I am pleased to announce that the federal government is this year taking steps to put Thanksgiving back in the hardworking hands of the American people. We are taking important measures to ensure that everyone has safe, happy and fulfilling Thanksgiving.

Some will be forced to make sacrifices. We cannot guarantee that every American gets Thursday and Friday off – because really, what’s the point of one day away from work and then coming back for one day and then going home for the weekend? But Thanksgiving is a time where everyone can pitch in. Aunt Dorothy will bake the pumpkin pie. Grandpa will carve the turkey. And the American government will do its part.

This year, for the first time ever, the government will take the following steps to lift the heavy chains of the holiday that cause heads to hang like the loose skin around a turkey’s neck.

First, in conjunction with the great farmers of this country, we will launch a 16,000-pound sweet potato “surge” to alleviate the flavor load being carried by sweet potatoes previously deployed to pies and casseroles.

I have authorized the CIA to place taps on 100,000 wishbones of suspected terrorists to detect their secret desires. The information gained will help keep everyone safer during the holiday.

I will be Tivo-ing the Kelly Clarkson performance during halftime of the Dallas Cowboys game, you know, in case anybody misses it.

Fourth, we will open previously clogged coronary arteries to allow increased gravy flow. These openings will continue throughout the weekend while leftovers are being consumed.

And finally, I am placing an immediate moratorium on hugs from Uncle Ralph. Man, that guy really creeps me out.

Know that these programs and your freedom to enjoy them do not come free. They come at a price. Remember the sacrifices made by so many years ago by the Pilgrims as they braved treacherous waters to come to a new land. This was a land where they were free to follow their own beliefs, pursue happiness in its many forms and call dibs on the couch for naps after lunch and then have that call honored.

MTyroneDarklord@the-iss.com