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Words of wisdom: The cock crows at every sunrise, but that doesn't mean you should ever stab yourself in the face.

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HISTORY FACTS FROM HISTORY

The first ever beehive hairdo in human history was worn by the Queen of France to a ball held in the royal court sometime over 100 years ago probably. The party was the shortest in the history of the entire French monarchy, as the queen, who was very stupid, had decided to wear an actual beehive on her head. A sufferer of strong allergies to bee stings, the queen swelled up so large as to fill the enitre ballroom, leaving the numerous guests and servants outside in the smelly outdoors of the French countryside.

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Be sure to plant beans and corn in the spring, and preferably in dirt.

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An aphorism for the ages: I never had much money, and I ain't got a college degree, but one thing I got, girl, is love.

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Here's something your farm is probably going to need: Rain. Just going out on a limb here.

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HISTORY FACTS FROM HISTORY

In addition to being known for conquering much of the Middle East and northern Africa, Alexander the Great also took pride in his abilities as a semi-professional magician. In fact, he conquered a large portion of Egypt by convincing the Egyptian natives that he had made large numbers of people disappear. He revealed in his journals that he had, in fact, simply killed those people and buried them in a mass grave. He also once convinced a number of Turks that he had turned one of their leaders into an African elephant. The secret to the trick was that the man had, in fact, turned into an Indian elephant.

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A maxim: "When I was a child, I had a fever! My hands felt just like two balloons!" That's Floyd, motherfucker.

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Hey, if you're going to have pigs or cows or anything, they're probably going to shit all over the place. For serious.

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A vaguely worded truth: You can eat all the burritos you want, but you still never know when and how they'll come back on you.

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HISTORY FACTS FROM HISTORY

In the mid-14th Century, a pandemic known as the Black Plague wiped out anywhere from a third to two-thirds of Europe's populace. No one knows where it came from or exactly what it did, but scientists have recently hypothesized that it probably had something to do with a malevolent alien race that wanted to kill all of humanity and steal earth for their insidious plot to line up all the planets in our solar system in its never-ending battle against the sun. Luckily, the aliens, who obviously had one ironic weakness, were harmed by the sounds of coughing, which people with the plague that they had created did all the damn time. And so their battle with the sun rages on.

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Hey, if I were you, I wouldn't even bother checking on the wheat. I'm sure it'll be fine, and anyway, "Cold Case" is on.