2007: The Year What Was
by The Villain High Council
What can we say about 2007? It had 12 months. And weather. There was definitely some weather. People died. Also, people were born (so was The ISS). Oh, and a whole bunch of things happened. Some good, some not so good. Truly, it was a year unlike any other.
Here's a rundown of some of the year's biggest events.
International News
The year began with South Korean Ban Ki-moon taking over as United Nations secretary general, replacing Kofi Annan and fulfilling the requirement started by Boutros Boutros-Ghali that secretaries general must have silly, silly, goofy-ass names.
A routine domestic flight in Indonesia disappeared in early January. Debris was found 10 days later, but the plane never turned up. Reports have shown, however, that the passengers could have ended up on an island with a big smoke monster and several ongoing, barely sensical plots.
In May, conservative candidate Nicolas Sarkozy was elected President of France. He celebrated in traditional French fashion: by being rude and smelling terrible.
Tony Blair resigned as British Prime Minister in June. New Labour Party leader Gordon Brown was later appointed prime minister, leading many Americans to wonder if he would be appearing on Fox's "Kitchen Nightmares" again next season.
Many European countries imposed public smoking bans over the summer. This led Hollywood producers to riot in anger, because constant smoking was previously their only way of identifying Eurotrash villains.
In September, the U.S. Federal Reserve cuts interest rates by half a point to ease financial panic due to worldwide crises involving subprime home loans. In response to the move, former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan rushed into action, singlehandedly defeating the currency munching monsters who were eating all the world's money.
The Annapolis Conference, a peace summit aiming to end the Arab-Israeli conflict, took place in Annapolis, Maryland. Diplomatic leaders hoped the sight of shops that sell overpriced merchandise and people in fake-looking historical garb would make the Israeli and Palestinian leaders realize their problems weren't so bad after all.
U.S. News
Nancy Pelosi was sworn in as the first female speaker of the House of Representatives in January. To assert her validity in the new post, Pelosi immediately pushed through legislation ordering all toilet seats in the Capitol down. Also, she passed a bill that included a great ginger snap recipe.
Also in January, President Bush announced a plan to send 21,500 more troops in Iraq, referred to as "the surge." Mr. Bush explained his idea thusly: "If you've already dug a deep hole that you can't get out of it... the only way you can get out...is you dig it harder."
Devices used in a guerrilla marketing campaign for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie were mistaken for explosive devices in Boston. Security experts said the concerns were valid, as terrorists had recently taken to gussying up their explosives with the popular Arab cartoon character "Allahu Ak-bark: The Death to America Dog."
Barack Obama joined the presidential race with Hillary Clinton in March, setting up the White Lady Who Seems Prickly/Likable But Naive Black Guy showdown we've all been waiting for.
In April, a gunman killed 32 people on the campus of Virginia Tech and sent videos of long speeches he had recorded just before the shootings to major television networks. To respect the victims and not give the killer undue notoriety, the networks played the videos constantly.
The I-35 West bridge over the Mississippi River in Minneapolis, Minnesota collapsed during rush hour, killing 13. To combat this attack against freedom, President Bush immediately declared war on America's failing infrastructure.
President Bush vetoed more bills in 2007 than he had during the entirety of his presidency up to that point, including bills that would set a time line for pulling troops out of Iraq and fund health care for children. Bush made those vetoes to secure his legacy as America's most Troop-Killing and Baby-Hating president.
Presidential Candidate Ron Paul broke the record for campaign funds raised in one day: $6 million. The record was previously held by John Kerry. Paul said he also hopes to break Kerry's record for losing miserably.
Notable Deaths
Former Playboy playmate and reality TV star Anna Nicole Smith died mysteriously in February, soon after her son's surprise death, a surprise birth and a surprise wedding. Anna Nicole's long-lost amnesiac twin is expected to surface sometime around March 2008.
Calvert DeForest, known to David Letterman fans and Larry "Bud" Melman, died in March. To pass on his legacy, many of DeForest's admirers have begun taking classes in how to walk onto a stage and stand hilariously.
Author Kurt Vonnegut died in April. So it went.
Also in April, former Russian President Boris Yeltsin died. He was preceded in death by his liver, which passed away in 1999.
Also also in April, former Motion Picture Association of America and ratings system pioneer Jack Valenti died. His death was rated PG-13 for mild violence and adult situations.
WWE wrestler Chris Benoit killed himself in June, after killing his wife Nancy and son Daniel. When asked about the involvement of steroids in the tragedy, WWE Chairman Vince McMahon threw a gas pellet onto the ground and disappeared into the night while cackling loudly.
Former First Lady Lady Bird Johnson died in July. Upon seeing her in the afterlife, Lyndon Johnson explained that the big-breasted Swiss woman he was with was "just a friend."
Televangelist Tammy Faye Messner also died in July. Mascara manufacturers are still in mourning.
July ended with the deaths of acclaimed directors Ingmar Bergman and Michelangelo Antonioni. Film students will be arguing for years about whose death had more symbolic meaning.
Talk show host and Jeopardy! creator Merv Griffin died. Several speakers at his funeral were told to sit down after they did not phrase their eulogies in the form of a question.
Singer Robert Goulet died in October, but be careful, because his ghost will still wreck the shit out of your office while you're away.
Musician and Tina Turner ex-husband Ike Turner died in December, making all jokes about Ike beating Tina slightly more inappropriate.
Benazir Bhutto, the former prime minister of Pakistan, was assassinated in late December, leading many of the people who had only found out about her a few weeks ago to mourn passionately.
Celebrities and Entertainment
"The Departed" won the Best Picture Oscar at the 76th Academy Awards ceremony. Native Bostonians said they knew the movie was a shoo-in because it was "wicked good and so fahkin' smaht because it's so symboulic with the rat and shit."
Bob Barker's last episode of "The Price is Right" aired in June. Within days, unspayed and non-neutered animals ran rampant through the streets.
The last Harry Potter book, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," was released in July, selling over 8 million copies in the first 24 hours. Readers agreed that the book had the deathliest hallows they've ever fucking seen.
Despite being terrible, "Spider-Man 3" was the highest-grossing movie of the year. Way to go, American movie-goers!
The Writers Guild of America went on strike in November, causing production of many television shows to shut down. Network executives weren't worried, though, because "Finger Up Your Anus Challenge" has been getting boffo ratings.
Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan were just a couple of the celebrities who checked into rehab multiple times. The owners of rehab clinics shrugged off questions about whether their patients ought to be coming back within a few weeks of the last time they were there, and then dined on huge wads of cash.
In December, Led Zeppelin reunited in London for a tribute concert. Concert goers were shocked to learn that singer Robert Plant had met this lady one time, who was apparently buying some kind of stairway to something. They had never heard that before.
Sports
The Indianapolis Colts beat the Chicago Bears 29-17 in Super Bowl XLI at Dolphin Stadium in Miami. Also, Prince pretended his guitar was his penis during the halftime show. He's so awesome.
Mixed martial artist Randy Couture won the UFC heavyweight championship at the age of 43. When asked to comment on his victory, Couture happily bled all over the place.
In March, sumo wrestler Ozeki Hakuho won the Emperor's Cup at the Spring Grand Sumo Tournament in Osaka. When asked to comment on his victory, Hakuho was fat all over the place.
The San Antonio Spurs swept the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA finals. Poor LeBron James had only his huge piles of endorsement money to comfort him.
Roger Federer cemented his place as the only male tennis player people have really heard of by winning his 5th Wimbledon in a row.
Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron's career home run record by hitting his 756th home run. His steroids are now a lock for the Hall of Fame.
The Boston Red Sox won the 2007 World Series in a four-game sweep of the Colorado Rockies. New Englanders celebrated the end of the team's seemingly never-ending three-year streak since their last victory by turning over cars while crying out that the curse of Johnny Damon had ended.
Science and Technology
The UK's Meteorological Office predicted that 2007 would be the warmest year in recorded history. 2007 bashfully brushed the compliment off before offering the office some cookies, hot cider and a hug.
In late January, Microsoft released the Windows Vista operating system. When confronted about bugs in the new system, Microsoft founder Bill Gates asked reporters if they were sure they wanted to ask that question before unexpectedly shutting down.
A total lunar eclipse took place in March, really rocking the socks off the dozen or so people who cared.
The Space Shuttle Atlantis successfully launched in June after having to postpone its flight months earlier. Incidentally, its mission was to repair the International Space Station, which, we can't state more clearly, we have nothing to do with.
Later in June, Apple released its new iPhone at a price of $600 and with capability to only use AT&T's phone network. But, to its credit, it will actually make you breakfast.
Then in October, Apple launched the sixth iteration of its Mac OS X operating system, called Mac OS X 10.5 Leopard. Before releasing Mac OS XI in 2010, Apple plans to release Mac OS X 10.551 Leopard Panther Liger 10.11 Lynx AppleMac X.
Also in October, former Vice President Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work regarding climate change. To celebrate, Gore spoke at length about how he lost the 2000 presidential election and then sobbed quietly for several hours.
treachery@the-iss.com
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