Musicians are a lazy bunch. They focus their energy on writing songs or being a kickass keyboard player or whatever, and when the time comes to name the group or solo undertaking they seem to be content to brand themselves with overused, hackneyed terms. These bands are easily identified in interviews with comments like, "The music speaks for itself," or, "Our music is so much more than the sum of its parts."

Well, gentlemen, you wouldn't have to explain yourself at every turn if your name didn't totally suck. To remedy the situation, here are a few words that shouldn't even enter your mind when trying to name a band.

Project

Immediately cease tacking the word project onto the end of the name of the biggest ego in the band. Unless, of course, you want people to think of Alan Parsons every time they hear your band name. Nobody wants that.

And don't even think about naming your band Project X. Your band is not a top-secret government experiment. You can't fool me into thinking it is, no matter how many pairs of goggles you wear.

Experiment

You're not doing anything new so don't even bother. Let me guess, sub-Dream Theater shred guitar and enough synthesizer abuse to get Jan Hammer's cock hard?

Or wait, maybe you're doing something completely wacky like mixing funk and new wave! No way, you do a Talking Heads cover?!?! Seriously, cut it out.

Also, you still can't convince me of your status as a government project, even if you wear lab coats all the time, including in the shower.

Process

No, there is no established mathematical theorem for your music. It cannot be evaluated via scientific method. Using a word like process is nothing more a thinly veiled, insecure attempt at making yourself seem like you actually know what you're doing. You know as well as I do that you haven't the slightest idea where you're going with that A-G-D chord progression you've been playing for the last 2 weeks.

A notable exception here would be if your band actually created process music, but honestly, what are the odds of that? Do you even know who Steve Reich is? Fuck you.

Stereo

Listen, I understand, okay? I really do. You're sensitive. People don't understand you. All those sunny days spent in your room with the curtains drawn listening to The Smiths. You're different. You understand that listening to music can nourish the mind and heal the spirit. There's just one final realization to make: you have genitals that are screaming to be caressed by someone other than you. So guys, start slipping some Bon-era AC/DC into that mope rotation. Ladies, you need to pick up some Betty Davis records [that's Miles' ex-wife, not the actress]. Your future fans will be delighted you did. And -- if I may speak purely from a marketing standpoint -- people don't even own stereos anymore. It's all about mp3 players now. Contemporize, man.

Some suggestions: Zunelab, iPodmud, Dell Digital Jukebox MC's.

These are all better names.

Anal

I'm mainly talking to the metal crowd here. No, I'm specifically and solely talking to the metal crowd here. I laugh as much as anyone when I hear the names you guys come up with. From Anal Blasphemy to Anal Vomit, I can't contain the mischievous, tittering laughter. And I commend you for choosing gender non-specific names; you're pioneers for equality like the Negro Leagues or NOW. But, you can't just put the word anal in front of already classic and revered band names and expect the rest of us not to notice. As tempting as names like Anal Slaughter or Anal Mayhem are, I think we need to give the butt a rest for a while. Deal?

Aw, c'mere you big lugs. You know I can't stay mad at you.

professor.universe@gmail.com