Last month, Warner Home Video graced the world with yet another version of "Blade Runner," after 25 years of fan bickering about which version – a director's cut, the theatrical version, or a rarely seen workprint cut -- is indeed "definitive."

Now fans can delight in the fact that they indeed have a "final" cut, which is basically the director's cut with prettier colors and a couple shots added in. And all for only 80 bucks, if you buy the special version that has five discs, five different cuts of the movie and comes in a fancy briefcase.

Noting this true passion for art, other studios have since (probably) decided to release so-called final cuts films of which have multiple cuts floating around the ether of fandom. Here are several examples of what they most likely have coming down the pike.

Brazil
What it's about: An average dude's life gets totally fucked up because of bureaucracy. Ain't that the way? Notably, the only thing it has to do with Brazil is that the song "Brazil" is the theme. That's confusing.
The different versions: Director Terry Gilliam's original cut of "Brazil" lasted 142 minutes and ended on (surprise) a depressing note. Because its American distributor didn't think audiences would go for that, because Americans hate things that don't end with shots of pretty clouds, the movie got re-cut down to about 94 minutes and got a happy ending slapped on it. Then, the movie got re-cut again for American audiences, this time coming in at 131 minutes.
The 'final' cut: In this version, Americans won't be confused at all, because the film will be nothing but 120 minutes of shots of beautiful Rio de Janerio. It will still begin and end with clouds, however.

Apocalypse Now
What it's about: The smell of napalm in the morning, Charlie not surfing, whether you are an assassin or an errand boy sent by grocers to collect a bill. Also, Vietnam.
The different versions: People were perfectly satisfied with the plenty-long-enough theatrical version released in 1979, but director Francis Ford Coppola still thought it was appropriate to add in an extra 49 minutes in the form of 2001's "Apocalypse Now: Redux." The added-in scenes mostly were made up of arguments between a family of plantation owners about French colonialism in Indochina. Riveting.
The 'final' cut: In "Apocalypse Now Redux Redo," Coppola will add in an additional half-hour of scenes in which workers at a napalm factory go on and on about whether hurting people with their products will be an appropriate price for freedom, blahbbity blahbbity blah.

Superman II
What it's about: Superman has to deal with the vengeful wrath of the three Kryptonians his dad punked at the beginning of the first one.
The different versions: (Deep breath.) Richard Donner, the original director of Superman II, got fired by producers Alexander and Ilya Salkind because he criticized them publicly. They hired a new guy, Richard Lester, as the new director (apparently only guys named Richard could direct Superman movies). Problem was, Donner had already shot about 75 percent of the movie. So Lester had to re-shoot much of the movie, in a way that Donner described as "campy." Lester's version was released in theaters. Then, fans went crazy and started foaming at the mouth for Donner's version, because it apparently would cause them to magically have girlfriends. They got their wish in 2006, when "The Richard Donner Cut" was released on DVD.
The 'final' cut: Warner Brothers is next planning to release a version of Superman II approved by Superman himself, who reportedly did not approve of either director's cut. In this version, Superman just bangs Lois all the time and has a huge wang.

American History X
What it's about: A former neo-Nazi returns home from serving a term in prison to find that his brother has tried to follow in his footsteps. A guy gets curb-stomped. It's a real heart warmer.
The different versions: Actually, only one version of the movie exists – one that director Tony Kaye tried to remove his name from (and instead use the name Humpty Dumpty) because star Edward Norton reportedly re-cut Kaye's version of the movie to give himself more screen time. A director's cut has been long-rumored, however, and New Line is planning to release Kaye's documentary about his fight over the film. Norton may also release a documentary that consists of nothing but him staring at himself in a mirror.
The 'final' cut: Kaye's initial vision for the movie was be almost exactly the same as the theatrical version, except that Edward Norton was just slightly out of frame in most shots and blurry in all others. His final cut will simply replace Norton with a CGI character named Skee-bo.

Touch of Evil
What it's about: A corrupt police captain from a border town gets caught up in his own web of lies by Charlton Heston, who is Mexican for some reason.
The different versions: The rough cut of "Touch of Evil" director Orson Welles submitted to Universal was cut extensively, and parts were re-shot without his knowledge. The movie then got released in theaters. Angered, Welles wrote a 58-page memo to the studio asking that the film be re-cut. They didn't do it. In the '70s some kid at Universal tripped over a longer print of the film, which then got released into theaters, but it turned out that wasn't Welles' version either. Then, in 1998, Universal hired an editor to try to make Welles' version as best as possible.
The 'final' cut: Universal will discover a way to raise Orson Welles from the dead, hoping he will re-edit the movie into his original vision. This zombie Orson Welles will re-cut "Touch of Evil" into an entirely different story about eating brains and shambling. Charlton Heston will be called back in for new sound dubs and then quickly eaten. Zombie Welles will then go on to do voice-over for commercials about fish sticks.

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
What it's about: Little people with hair on their feet, a big eye on top of a tower, a ring, huge kickass battles
The different versions: Director Peter Jackson added back in parts that were cut out of the nine-and-a-half-hour theatrical versions of the films to create eleven-and-a-half-hour extended versions for DVD, presumably so fans of the books could take as long watching them as it takes to read them.
The 'final' cut: Jackson will release versions of the films that will include every second of raw footage shot, bringing the running time to about a year.

American Pie
What it's about: Horny teens in America who have sex with pastries and strip in other people's bedrooms for no reason.
The different versions: Because the R-rated theatrical version wasn't raunchy enough, the studio released an unrated version for DVD that included even more explicit coital interaction with a pie. Since then, about a billion unrated DVD versions of teen movies have been released, all of which are very disappointing.
The 'final' cut: In "American Pie: Special Edition," the pie will fuck first.

Blade Runner
What it's about: Harrison Ford kills androids (called replicants in the movie), but also falls in love with an android and may just be an android himself, maybe.
The different versions: Two of the movie's producers took over editing rights when Ridley Scott's 1982 sci-fi opus went over budget, opting to add in a happy ending and voice-over narration. Scott reportedly hated the changes, and participated in a quick-and-dirty director's cut in 1992. That cut included a removed scene in which Ford's character dreams about a unicorn, hinting that he might be a replicant. Then, Scott took some extra time in 2007 to pretty up the 1992 cut.
The 'final' cut: "Blade Runner: The Final Final Cut For Reals," will be mostly the same as the director's cuts, but an added scene will reveal that Harrison Ford's character was actually a unicorn all along.

KingOblivionPhD@the-iss.com