You can’t expect to get to the White House just by kissing babies and glad-handing cronies. No, you need to get your message out. You need presidential gear, campaign swag, electorate tchotckes. You need your name on awkward looking T-shirts and buttons. You need sharply designed signs to post along the roadside. And sometimes, you need a little something extra.

The Democrats

Hillary Clinton

Campaign swag theme: The Hillary Signature Series. Get the Senator’s John Hancock in blue-on-brown script on shirts, hats and lapel pins. These suburbanite hip designs don’t scream “I’m Voting for Hillary,” but they definitely let your neighbors know you have ovaries.
Unique gear: Highlighter, piggy bank, ruler, ice scraper. Sen. Clinton really pulled out all the stops in the “Cheap Shit You Might Get at a Business Convention” category. What, no rulers? Wait, there they are.
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Barack Obama

Campaign swag theme: Dated slogans. Under the “Students for Obama” section you can find the always popular “Property of” sweatshirts. These are worth hanging onto in case Obama decides to run again in 1994.
Unique gear: Do you need a way to reach your politically-minded friends who only read Hebrew? Obama’s got a sticker just for that.
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John Edwards

Campaign swag theme: Packing up. Edwards offers both a canvas tote and a duffel travel bag. You’ll need both to help pack up the election headquarters which could close any day now.
Unique gear: Mousepads. How many people look at your mousepad each day? This is a great way to spread the word. You’ll get five if you order the John Edwards Party Kit #1, because no party is complete until the mousepads arrive.
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The Republicans

Rudy Guiliani

Campaign swag theme: Mafia. Get all your mob supplies with Rudy’s name on it: gold cufflinks, glass tumbler, baseball bat and “Italian-Americans for Rudy” pin. Don’t forget to pick up two “Rhinestone Rudy” lapel pins. One for the wife. One for the girlfriend.
Unique gear: “Stadium cups,” for, you know, supporting Rudy while you drink stadiums. Or beer from a keg.
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John McCain

Campaign swag theme: Multiple shades of blue. By the Ghost of Bob Ross this man uses lots of different blues. So what? Some people like dressing like a color chart. Besides, campaign colors aren’t that important, and John McCain is too old to tell one shade of blue from another.
Unique gear: People. McCain shows more people wearing his gear than any other site. And with such sensible yet stylish gear, why not?
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Mike Huckabee
Campaign swag theme: First, we need to point out that Huckabee runs his official store through Café Press. Excuse me, Mike. You’re running a presidential campaign, not a blog. That said, his stuff his easily the most cartoonish of all the candidates. There’s a cartoon Huckabee Head, mouth open, next to the White House. And there it is next to Chuck Norris. And, just for good measure, let’s get a shirt with him playing the bass.
Unique gear: Under “Accessories” you can pick up a “I Heart Huckabee Throw Pillow.” It’s the perfect accessory for your “Robertson ‘88” futon.
Overall rating: What, no Café Press thong?

Mitt Romney

Campaign swag theme: Mitt. There’s the foam baseball mitt. Get it. Mitt and mitt and he’s a great “catch.” A-ha-ha, a-ha-ha, ughhh. In a less clever move, there are the “Love Mitt” stickers. Lots of people stumble upon these when looking to purchase something else entirely.
Unique gear: Money clip. Or should I say “Money Mitt”? OH! If you’re buying Mitt Romney gear you’ve got money. Republican-like money. I know. He knows it. Now go spend some of that and get this ecomony turned around.
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Ron Paul

Campaign swag theme: Lots of colors. Why choose just one, McCain. Paul's got stickers in blue, red, green, purple and two shades of yellow. In fact, Paul is pushing "Taste the Ron Paul Rainbow" for Super Tuesday.
Unique gear:"Slim Jims" for sale not conservative beef jerky, but actually pamphlets.
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