We tried our damnedest to preview every movie coming out over the next four months, but while we were working on this we stumbled upon the fact that Rob Schneider is not just in a movie set for release at the end of April called "Big Stan," but that he directed it.

Horrified by the prospect of a world in which Schneider-directed movies can exist, we went into a three-day coma. But luckily, we wrote some snarky comments about other movies before that happened.

Here they are.

January 11

First Sunday

Trailer

What it's about: Apparently Tracy Jordan from "30 Rock" got cast in a movie with Ice Cube about robbing a church. Whether this will live up to the grace and beauty he exhibited in "Who Dat Ninja?" is yet to be seen.
What to expect: Judging by the trailer, it looks as though Katt Williams will be portraying the gayest choir director in movie history. That's a hell of a feat. Bravo, sir!

January 18

27 Dresses

Trailer

What it’s about: You know that old saying “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride”? This is the movie version of that expression. The well is pretty fucking dry when movies are based on adages. At least “Transformers” came from a toy.
What to expect: An audience full of still-single, former bridesmaids laughing on the outside and crying on the inside because it’s so true.

Cloverfield

Trailer

What it's about: A mysterious monster terrorizes New York City in this J.J. Abrams-produced thriller. We see the action through the eyes of a group of well-dressed twentysomethings who speak in nothing but very clever quips for the first hour of the movie and then nothing but "Oh my God!" in the second half.
What to expect: This is a movie from the creator of "Lost," so basically I'm anticipating that it'll include lots of flashbacks that don't really relate to anything and about an hour of filler.

January 25

Rambo

Trailer

What it's about: Vietnam vet John Rambo, now about 160 years old, accompanies some missionaries to Burma on an aid mission. But everything goes wrong, of course, and Rambo has to start shooting the hell out of people. Also, it gets to have the non-sequel-sounding title "Rambo" because the first Rambo movie was called "First Blood." Way to find a loophole, studio-types!
What to expect: If you saw the international trailer for this one, you'll know that basically this movie is going to be nothing but footage of a short, aging Italian-American man obliterating Asians in uniforms. What I'm trying to say here is that this will be the finest movie ever made.

February 1

Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Tour

Trailer

What it’s about: Does it even matter? Parents will bring pitbulls to the theater to get tickets for their children. Pre-teen girls who couldn’t get the $200 concert tickets will weep and shudder in the aisles at the joy of being a little bit closer to Hannah Montana.
What to expect: A 3-D concert film of Hannah’s most recent tour. Think “The Last Waltz” for 12-year-olds.

The Eye

Trailer

What it's about: Jessica Alba starts the movie as a blind woman who has a weird habit of standing in front of windows she can't see out of. But she gets some new eyes that make her start seeing crazy things.
What to expect: Coming only about three years too late for the whole J-horror remake fad, expect "The Eye" to include but not be limited to: creepy kids, lots of drowning imagery, extremely shaky horror camera, plenty of shots of hands being pressed against glass, animals doing crazy shit and death by hair.

Over Her Dead Body

Trailer

What it’s about: Eva Longoria dies on the day she was to marry Paul Rudd. Shortly after, Rudd falls in love with a psychic. To sabotage the relationship, Longoria’s ghost begins to haunt the psychic. Hilarity ensues.
What to expect: Releasing shortly after “P.S., I Love You,” this movie signals a frightening new trend: Romantic comedy prominently featuring a deceased character. This isn’t clever, it’s just sick. At least “Ghost” was about love and murder.

February 8

Fool’s Gold

Trailer

What it’s about: A married couple, Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey, are headed straight for divorce when a deep sea treasure hunt rekindles the fire and mends their irreconcilable differences. A treasure hunt may not sound like your typical marriage-saver, but hey, professional counseling is so boring. Am I right fellas? Who’s with me?
What to expect: Come for the sun-drenched shots of the too-pretty Hudson and McConaughey frolicking on the water, stay for the Malcom-Jamal Warner screen time. Also, $50 says there is a scene where someone admits that we don’t’ need the gold because the ultimate treasure, love, was right here in front of us all along.

The Hottie and the Nottie

Trailer

What it's about: The movie stars Paris Hilton and one very unlucky actress in copious amounts of makeup so that she appears hideous. Judging by the title, one is led to believe there is also an attractive woman in it.
What to expect: This is just a guess, but I'm willing to venture that the nottie might get made over into the beautiful person she really is. Because if there's one thing Hollywood has taught us, it's that the real way to bring out inner beauty is through hundreds of dollars worth of cosmetics and hairstyling. The hottie may also realize that she's not the only beautiful person in the world. I still don't know why Paris Hilton's in it, though.

February 15

Step Up 2 The Streets

Trailer

What it's about: Here's the IMDb plot synopsis, verbatim: "Romantic sparks occur between two dance students from different backgrounds at the Maryland School of the Arts." Frankly, I have no idea when the Maryland School of the Arts became "the streets."
What to expect: If the movie poster is any indication, this movie will be filled with people with very wet hair, three of whom are extremely tall. So remember, prospective students: The Maryland School of the Arts accepts giants, and has no hair dryers.

Jumper

Trailer

What it’s about: Darth Vader and Mace Windu battle once again as Hayden Christiansen and Samuel L. Jackson find themselves on opposite sides of an ancient war between teleporting “jumpers” and those who hunt them.
What to expect: “Jumper” is poised to fill the void created by the end of the “Highlander” series. Centuries old battle? Check. Hand-to-hand combat? Check. Varied and exotic destinations? Check. What, no quickening?

Diary of the Dead

Trailer

What it's about: George Romero, basically the creator of the whole zombie genre, goes all meta with this movie about people making a zombie movie. Personally, I hope they're making that "Dawn of the Dead" remake and that they all die.
What to expect: My guess is that it will be a zombie movie on par with or slightly better than the mediocre "Land of the Dead." But in my heart I want it to be about a literal zombie diary. "January 18. Sad am...me. Angela say...she love...Rex instead of me. Me only comfort? Braaains. Me am eat whole pint of brains and get fat."

February 22

Vantage Point

Trailer

What it's about: A whole bunch of people, including Forrest Whitaker, who's great in everything he does, and Dennis Quaid, who is the opposite, witness what looks like a presidential assassination. But guess what! The president ain't dead. Explaining the whole presidential look-alike robot's going to be a tough one.
What to expect: Given that there are about 10 plot twists in the trailer alone, you can basically expect this movie to be nothing but plot twists. I'm going to estimate about a plot twist every minute. For example, the guy from "Lost" will put a piece of gum in his mouth, but it'll turn out it wasn't gum at all. It was taffy!

Be Kind, Rewind

Trailer

What it’s about: Two video-store clerks, Jack Black and Mos Def, set out to re-film the store’s movie collection when all of the tapes are accidentally erased.
What to expect: Tapes? Video-store? Robocop jokes? Was this originally scheduled for release in 1992? There will be teenagers seeing this movie because of Jack Black who will have to ask their parents “What are VCRs?”

Witless Protection

Trailer

What it's about: Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy are the stars. So I'm going to go out on a limb and say farts.
What to expect: The continuing decline of Western civilization as we know it.

Charlie Bartlett

Trailer

What it’s about: When a rich kid transfers from private school to public school he begins running a drug-dispensing psychiatric practice from the boy’s bathroom. In the end, parents and students both learn something from the charismatic youngster.
What to expect: Is this the one where Robert Downey Jr. is Iron Man? It’s not. Then no thank you, I’m not interested.

February 29

The Other Boleyn Girl

Trailer

What it's about: Two sisters (Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman) compete for the love of Henry VIII (Eric Bana). To do so, they continuously sing that song about how he's Henry the Eighth he is he is.
What to expect: Hollywood has accomplished the nigh-impossible feat of creating a movie with not only Scarlett Johansson, but also Natalie Portman, and which I still have no interest at all in seeing. Congratulations, you assholes!

March 7

The Accidental Husband

Trailer

What it’s about: Just before her wedding, straight-laced radio host and advice-giver Uma Thurman finds out – gasp – she’s already married! When she gets to the bottom of this monkey business she falls for her fireman “husband” and rethinks her relationship with her uptight fiancé.
What to expect: Somehow, against all good sense, Uma Thurman keeps taking on these romantic comedies. She needs to stick to films with swords and Samuel L. Speaking of swords, if someone offers to either stab you or take you to this movie, choose the sword.

College Road Trip

Trailer

What it’s about: A zany cross-country trip with Martin Lawrence to find the right college, full of car break downs, overbearing parents and hilarity? That’s so Raven.
What to expect: A steaming pile of shit? That’s so Raven.

10,000 B.C.

Trailer

What it's about: The guy who directed "Independence Day" brings us this heartwarming tale of a mammoth hunter who goes on some mystical journey for his tribe or something.
What to expect: This is just wild speculation, but I'm going to venture a guess that the tribe's hut will be destroyed by a giant flying saucer. The protagonist will then have to fly a mammoth into the ship's weak spot, which will be conveniently placed on its underside.

March 14

Funny Games

Trailer

What it's about: This is a re-make of an Austrian movie about a family that gets held hostage and tortured in a cabin by two blue-blooded lunatics. Ah, Europe.
What to expect: Neither fun nor games. Mainly it looks like you can expect nightmares about people who spend all their time discussing polo.


Horton Hears a Who

Trailer

What it’s about: Based on the Dr. Seuss book, elephant Horton makes sure the voice of even the smallest among us is heard. The book is about 50 pages long. The movie will be two hours, so some liberties have been taken.
What to expect: Dr. Seuss-based movies, Steve Carell movies and Jim Carrey movies haven’t fared so well lately. Already, that’s three strikes against Horton, but at least this effort is animated. There are only three circumstances, none of them commercial, that allow for people to dress as Dr. Seuss characters: You are a child, you are headed to a Halloween party at a frat house, you are an elementary school teacher and it’s “Read-a-Book Week.”

March 21

Drillbit Taylor

Trailer

What it's about: Some kids hire a cheap bodyguard (played by Owen Wilson) to defend them on the playground. By all indications, this will be uniformly terrible, despite Judd Apatow's association with it.
What to expect: I know it looks terrible for a guy who co-wrote most of Wes Anderson's films to be in something like this, but I will give this movie credit where it's due if it features scenes of a grown man ruthlessly beating up children. That's never not funny.

March 28

21

Trailer

What it's about: MIT Professor Kevin Spacey teaches his students how to count cards to play expert blackjack. The students then go to Vegas, and probably get beaten to death by Lawrence Fishburne, a casino owner who apparently doesn't have to hire thugs.
What to expect: It is my belief that Kevin Spacey will not only chew scenery in this movie, but will go so far as to devour the lights, most of the electrical equipment and several studio tours. Also, there is what is clearly a total rip-off shot from "Casino" in the trailer. There'll probably be more of those.

April 4


Leatherheads

Trailer

What it’s about: George Clooney directs and stars in a screwball comedy about pre-facemask pro football players vying for the right to kiss Renee Zellweger’s scrunchy face.
What to expect: Men wearing vets and hats, smoking, riding on trains and making sexist remarks. There will be one scene with old-timey newspaper writers. At the end, George Clooney reveals that he is actually a would-be-celebrity from the 1920s who was cryogenically frozen until the 1990s when his mannerisms seemed like fresh throwbacks.

April 11

Prom Night

Trailer

What it’s about: Prom was supposed to be the best and most special, most perfect night of their lives. Naturally, a sadistic killer has other plans. And, holy shit, Stringer Bell from “The Wire” is there.
What to expect: Exactly what you saw in the original “Prom Night,” only the hair and dresses are different. The preview even features a cover of Cyndi Lauper’s “Time After Time.” This is part of Hollywood’s plan to release a new version of “Prom Night” every 28 years because, you know, prom-goers in the 1980s were concerned about their hair, their dresses and hooking up in a totally different way.

April 18

88 Minutes

Trailer

What it’s about: Forensic psychology expert Al Pacino must solve the crime of his life when a mysterious phone call tells him he has only 88 minutes to live.
What to expect: It’s the bottom of the eighth, Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro are all tied up. Pacino up to bat now. Two down, one on, full count. And OH! Pacino hits it to short and half-asses his way to first where he is easily thrown out. That will retire the side.

April 25

Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay

Trailer

What it's about: Zany Asian-American stoners Harold and Kumar get mistaken for terrorists while on a flight to Amsterdam. They then get sent to Guantanamo Bay, the funniest terrorist prison on Earth.
What to expect: The most hilarious waterboarding scene of the year.

treachery@the-iss.com