Mrs. Caldwell,

I cannot begin to express the disappointment and rage I felt this morning when the announcement declaring the winners of the Fairmont County Middle Academy Talent Show was posted in the lunchroom. I feel that these results are unfair and do not accurately reflect the talents of and was a travesty toward all those involved, particularly me, Glando the Magnificent. As principal, I feel it is your duty to revoke these results and bring about justice. Allow me to explain the many reasons why you should do this.

First of all, I would like to note that the head judge, the band instructor, Mr. Paulson, is a dick who smells bad. Everyone knows this.

Secondly, my performance, entitled "The Entire First Season of The Streets of San Francisco Redux: A One-Man Show" was, to quote Lacie Patrick of the Fairmont Voice, "a...lengthy experience...that recreated every minute of all 27 episodes, including the pilot."

How could anyone, especially Mr. Paulson, who literally smells like he is covered in a layer of tiny, dead animals, deny the incredible effort that went into such a performance? It's almost as if no one but Lacie was paying attention.

This is especially apparent when you consider the winners that were selected.

Brion Weatherspoon’s rendition of “Crazy Love” was bland and uninspired, at best. It wasn’t a first place performance, or even an 80th place performance. I got the impression that he has never received any type of affection that could even be categorized as mildly out of sorts.

I only have one word to describe Arianna Barinsky’s second-place dance number set to Beethoven’s 5th Symphony: Pissphony.

And Paulina Hessman’s third place win for managing to stuff an entire pizza into her mouth is simply a mystery to me. I admit it was an incredible feat, and the fact that she managed to swallow the whole thing was doubly impressive, but I fail to see how it amounts to a talent, unless Mr. Paulson and his cohorts consider being a disgusting sow a talent in the same league as singing or dancing or recreating entire seasons of classic television series that depict the exploits of hard-boiled detectives in a cosmopolitan North California city underneath which a seedy underbelly lies.

I bet they do. They disgust me.

I believe this evidence conclusively shows that the results of last week’s talent show were not only unfair, but were surely some sort of crime that would lead to a number of years in prison. I have filed the proper paperwork with the state legislature to ensure that if it is not, it soon will be. I am told the Senate plans to pass the bill unanimously.

Speaking of rules and/or laws, allow me to address the accusations concerning my eligibility in the talent show. Yes, it is true that I am 48 and not a student at Fairmont County Middle Academy. True, I had to fight the soccer coach, Ms. Wise, to even get into the building. But I feel young, and I consider myself to be a student of life. And the sign just said “students only.”

Your arguments will not hold up in court, Mrs. Caldwell.

I eagerly await for you to strip Mr. Weatherspoon of his trophy and send it to me. If you do so, I will be happy to return for season two next year. It had some of the best episodes, for real.

Sincerely,
The Amazing Rossini