Wherein we take a comprehensive and balanced look at the status of the Junior Circuit's 14 teams.

EASTERN DIVISION

• BALTIMORE: After trading Erik Bedard, the Orioles are now guaranteed to lose 5 out of every 5 games instead of 4 out of every 5 games.

• BOSTON: With a slew of consecutive postseason appearances and 2 championships in the last 4 years, the Red Sox now look more like the Yankees than the real Yankees do. Nintey-five percent of their drunken fans revels in this; the other five percent see this as troubling and worrisome.
• NEW YORK: As their ability to win decreases, the chutzpah of the Yankees' front office rises proportionally. Plus: Alex Rodriguez continues in his quest to amass enough money to buy his own country.
• TAMPA BAY: Some say this is the year the Rays finally break .500. Their biggest offseason acquisition was Cliff Floyd. Apparently, all that separated the Rays from a 66-96 season and a winning season was the lack of an aging, gimpy, backup outfielder.
• TORONTO: Held on to Roy Halladay and thus are mathematically guaranteed to finish ahead of Baltimore .

CENTRAL DIVISION

• CHICAGO: The best reason to spend time in the Cell this year will be not athletic competition but the entertainment value, also known as Ozzie Guillen.
• CLEVELAND: Suffice it to say that last year's top-rated Joba vs. The Midges match has given the Indians some interesting ideas ...
• DETROIT: Pissed that the Mets stole the distinction of Biggest Blockbuster Trade of the offseason from them, and thusly motivated. Except for Gary Sheffield, who is motivated by general anger.
• KANSAS CITY: Still the same old Royals. I don't think a joke's really needed here.
• MINNESOTA: Relying on Francisco Liriano to be the next Johan Santana and lead them back to contention, forgetting that they couldn't contend even with Santana last year.

WESTERN DIVISION

• LOS ANGELES: Paid Torii Hunter $90 million to play in an outfield that already contains Vladimir Guerrero, Gary Matthews, Jr. and Garret Anderson, thus making Hunter the highest-paid reserve in baseball history.
• OAKLAND: In an effort to prevent a reoccurrence of last year's losing record (the Athletics' first since 1998), Billy Beane has been spotted applying Teflon to his wallet.
• SEATTLE: Were in the Wild Card race for about a week last year. If they're planning to do so again, they will have to overcome Richie Sexson.
• TEXAS: One day, the Rangers will have good pitching. And one day, the Sun will go out.

Darth Obvious can regularly be found at gbfos.blogspot.com