Welcome to beautiful Metro City!

Nestled between a lush forest and the foamy waves of the Atlantic, our fair city has a grand history. We're the birthplace of the tire iron, are known worldwide for our sporting events (such as wrestling, knife throwing and elevator boxing matches), are home to the well-known Mad Gear group of civic activists and are known worldwide for our culture, including the funky beats of those Notown records from the 1960s and 70s. You'll always be jumpin' in Metro City!

We've been described in "Conde Nast Traveler" as "...certainly...a place...to stop...in America." But enough talking! Why don't we introduce you to your tour guide, who will show you all the sights of the city that Newsweek called one of America's top 10!*

Hey! Damnd here, ready to take you to every corner of Metro City there is to see! Trust me, this city will knock you out...with attractions!

Also, I may punch you in the gut.

Let's start our tour on the first level...um...that is, on the city's historic western edge!

Slum

Don't let the name fool you. Slum, my neck of the woods, is one part of Metro City that's on its way up!

Visitors love the view of the city skyline, as well as our rustic phone booths and low-income housing complexes. And you never know who may bust through a wooden door to give you a big hug! (It might just be me!)

Slum? More like slam! Dunk! Of fun for you!

West Side

A quick subway ride across town will take you to our lovely downtown park and one of my favorite parts of town to stop into a local business and pick up a nail sandwich (don't let the name fool you; they're more like tacks): the West Side!

The heart of Metro City's night life, the West Side is full of restaurants and bars where you'll see any number of interesting characters, like a pink haired lady who may not be a lady at all!

But don't worry about your safety -- the police diligently patrol West Side nights, and just to make sure things are safe, they may even give you a little bump with their billy club! Just go with it.

Let me take this opportunity to discuss Metro City's acclaimed public transportation system, since I mentioned it earlier. Sure, there's only one track and it's really likely that you will be beaten senseless, but where else have you ever seen a samurai with a crazy sword beat up the mayor in a wrestling ring? Nowhere, that's where.

NOTE:

Parking within the city is widely available, and cheap!

Industrial Area

It's always a hot time in Metro City's hard-working industrial area!

Seriously, you will likely be burned.

But don't let that stop you from seeing our glorious downtown at the top of our seemingly never-ending freight elevator! And as a bonus, once you reach the elevator's top, our own military hero Rolento may even put on a fireworks show for you!

Bay Area

If waterfront views and gorgeous sunsets are on your agenda, then you better be sure to stop in Metro City's Bay Area, a place where virtually everyone goes to spend the evening on the approximately seven miles of bay-side walkway!

You can also get a good look at our greatest landmark, the Statue of Please God Don't Hurt Me Please Please Please, the old Marble lady who holds a shiv out to the world outside.

While you're here, why not take a leisurely motorcycle ride or hide inside some tires? Trust us, you'll love it. One visitor, who goes by the name of Abigail, literally turned red with happiness here!

MAYOR MIKE HAGGAR SEZ:

"I will literally grind your face into the sidewalk if you don't enjoy a relaxing stroll on our picturesque seaside promenade!"

Uptown

Finally, we're making a stop in Metro City's business and commerce district, the shining jewel in the heart of America's city.

Here, you will have a final showdown with the crazy wheelchair guy who kidnapped your girlfriend and/or daughter. He will try to shoot you with a harpoon gun, but you'll get the better of him and throw him out of a penthouse window.

Just don't forget that roundhouse kick. (Attack + jump).

Well, that's it for me! Enjoy your vacation in Metro City, and I'll just sign off by laughing ominously!

Ah-hahahahahahahaha!

*Places Where You Will Be Beaten

KingOblivionPhD@the-iss