Because they're uncool, what with their full-time jobs and limited disposable income, some people couldn't make it to this year's Comic-Con International in San Diego, which is going on right this second.

But not to worry. The International Society of Supervillains (who also couldn't make it because of prior commitments involving uranium and some ants) is here to tell you how you can have a Comic-Con in your very own home.

Food

• For four straight days, eat nothing but chicken tenders and nachos, and drink nothing but coffee. For added authenticity, pour the coffee on the chicken tenders, mix nacho cheese into the coffee and put barbecue sauce and/or honey mustard on the nachos.

Atmosphere

• Ask several friends to avoid showering for about a week prior to showing up at the con (your house). When they arrive, cram yourselves into the smallest closet you can find and talk at great length about how great the Joss Whedon panel is going to be. If one of them can dress as Pris from "Blade Runner," all the better, especially if it's a guy. Have everyone else dress as a Heath Ledger-style Joker.


• Plan for a number of panel discussions on topics ranging from upcoming films to new comics projects to cool old TV shows being released on DVD. Make sure each one is filled to capacity before you even get a chance to get in line for them.


• Have someone tell you over the phone your home is booked solid during the whole convention, and that you'll have to stay elsewhere. Sleep under the overpass a mile away.

Entertainment

• Watch the following trailers:

  Discuss these clips with friends at a rate of about 5 minutes of discussion for every second of video. Be really, really, really, really, really excited about every single aspect of them, even the really stupid shit, like someone taking "The Greatest American Hero" even anywhere close to that seriously, Batman's lightsaber, how the "Watchmen" trailer is entirely in slow-motion or "Twilight" in general.



• Watch an old episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" on DVD and pretend it's new.


• Have your friends talk about how they don't understand why girls aren't turned on by their amazing stormtrooper costumes. Stand in a doorway, eavesdropping and stifling uncontrollable laughter.

News

• Have a friend stand in as the editor of a major comic book publisher (Marvel, DC, Image). For added fun, have others stand in as writers or artists. Ask them about what's going to be happening to your favorite characters over the next year. They must respond, "Let's just say we've got some big things in store for (Character name here) in 2009," with no further details.


• Also, have the publishers announce that the writer who was on those characters' books two years ago is now going to be writing it again, as if it was earth-shattering.


• Also have friends pose as the heads of major movie/DVD/video game/TV studios. Have them make an announcement using any combination of the following phrases: "legendary graphic novel," "animated," "unprecedented," "new level," "straight off the page," "like you've never seen," "whole new spin," "classic characters with a twist," "gritty," "real-world," "for the fans," "definitely won't suck."

Money

• Every few hours, flush some cash down the toilet. Occasionally have a friend pose as Mike Mignola to sign one of your Hellboy comics or give you an 'Invincible' trade paperback or a bootleg DVD of a kung-fu movie. On Sunday afternoon, realize you don't have enough money left to eat for the rest of the year.

KingOblivionPhD@the-iss.com