Okay, yes, we're, like, three months late with this movie guide. We're sorry.
But we seriously had this plan that was going to wipe out the entire eastern seaboard and replace all the people with our automatons that looked like Philip Baker Hall.
...Shit.
We were playing Grand Theft Auto IV. But hey! Now we're back. And here's some jokes about the movies from May to mid-July. You know, the ones that you've already seen.
May 2
Iron Man
Trailer
What it's about: This one's about multibillionare Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), who has to build himself a suit of armor to keep himself alive after shrapnel gets lodged near his heart. The suit also has rocket boots because he apparently had some extra time on his hands and idolized Wile E. Coyote. Not to be confused with "Irony Man," which is about me and my vast collection of vintage t-shirts.
What to expect: This is just me taking a wild stab since this is a preview and everything, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess this might make a shit-ton of money.
Made of Honor
Trailer
What it's about: Some chick (Michelle Monaghan) asks some dude (Patrick Dempsey) to be a maid of honor at her wedding. How emasculating! But guess what? He's in love with her! Whatever will happen? A series of embarrassments? A revelation about who really loves whom? An hilarious setpiece in which someone ends up with the cake on their face? You can't ever predict what will happen with these things.
What to expect: The chick, realizing that she has made a promise, and that one's word is very important, marries her fiancee as planned many months ago.
Son of Rambow
Trailer
What it's about: A pair of British youngsters decide to make their own sequel to "First Blood" after watching a pirated copy of the first Rambo movie. So we can gather that this movie is very unrealistic, because "First Blood" is rated R and therefore no children have ever seen it.
What to expect: When the boys are arrested by a small-town sheriff used to having things his way, they break out and start a two-man war against the police. But things change when their old commander shows up in town.
May 9
What Happens in Vegas
Trailer
What it's about: A couple wakes up to find they've gotten married during a drunken night in Las Vegas, a plotline never used before in the history of ever. Also, the dude (Ashton Kutcher) won a huge jackpot on the girl's (Cameron Diaz) quarter. Oh, and guess what, they fall in love.
What to expect: Things you have seen before many, many times, but this time with only barely capable human beings as the stars.
Speed Racer
Trailer
What it's about: Speed! Racing! Colors! A monkey! John Goodman!
What to expect: Bad Acting! A belabored and predictable plot! Epileptic seizures!
May 16
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Trailer
What it's about: The land of Narnia has been taken over by an army of Antonio Banderases. The prince of the Antonio Banderases, Caspian (Ben Barnes), decides it's a good idea to defy his upbringing and his family so that a lion who also happens to be Jesus can set up a more efficient government.
What to expect: Swords, maybe some armor, a talking animal or two, and a whole lot of bearded guys who you swear are about to turn toward the camera to try to sell you some Nasonex.
May 23
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Trailer
What it's about: Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford), in desperate need of a paycheck, goes on one last adventure with that kid from "Holes."
What to expect: You will learn two things from this film: That their treasure was knowledge, and also that knowledge was their treasure. This being despite the fact that the weird alien race in the movie actually had a room full of actual fucking treasure.
War, Inc.
Trailer
What it's about: A hitman with issues (John Cusack) travels to a fictional stand-in for Iraq to kill an oil baron at the behest of a former vice president (Dan Aykroyd). For some reason, killing the guy also involves managing the wedding of a native pop star (Hilary Duff). So for some reason this satire's plot is even less ridiculous than the actual war going on. Go figure.
What to expect: John Cusack will solve the fake (and real) Iraq's problems the way he solves every problem: with Peter Gabriel.
May 30
The Strangers
Trailer
What it's about: A trio of masked creepies (masked creepies) terrorize a young couple (Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman), living out my lifelong dream of terrorizing Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman.
What to expect: Remember that movie "Funny Games" from earlier this year? It's basically that, but with crappier actors and without the tormentors turning to the camera to tell you how much of a barbarian you are for watching.
Sex and the City
Trailer
What it's about: Sex (Sarah Jessica Parker) finally finds a roommate for her new apartment in the form of a schlubby ragamuffin (the City). The two go on some wild adventures together, and finally learn the true meaning of friendship.
What to expect: Given that I have never heard of this movie or anything related to it before just now, I couldn't tell you. But based on the title alone, I can think of five much better ideas for films:
- "Sex...or the City?"
- "Sex. But, the City."
- "Sex, if the City."
- "Sex with the City"
- "Rex Cobweb: Cowboy Bail Bondsman"
June 6
Kung Fu Panda
Trailer
What it's about: Po the panda (Jack Black) is chosen to fulfill an ancient prophecy involving kung-fu, a magical mountain and the voices of Dustin Hoffman and Angelina Jolie.
What to expect: Wild guess here: The panda saves the day and brings peace to the land through teamwork and hard training. Or maybe he fucks up and everyone dies. It's a coin toss.
You Don't Mess With the Zohan
Trailer
What it's about: An Israeli special forces operative named Zohan, a name no one actually has, (Adam Sandler) fakes his death so he can become a hair stylist and whore in New York. I'm taking odds that someone will indeed mess with him.
What to expect: About 90 minutes of Adam Sandler doing that one kicking joke and Rob Schnieder breathing air that the rest of us could be putting to much better use.
June 13
The Happening
Trailer
What it's about: I know I'm supposed to be writing this as if it were an actual preview of movies that came out a month ago, but I paid good money to see this on opening weekend and therefore have no problem giving the whole thing away. Because they're pissed, plants are making people kill themselves, and at one point the movie actually reaches through the screen to shake you by the lapels and tell you to save the environment. No kidding.
What to expect: Lots of ominous shots of very stationary plants. Couldn't you have had at least one of the trees holding a gun or something, M. Night Shyamalan? Seriously, that would be an incredible sequel. Virtually no difference in the movie or its plot, but in every shot of a tree or a plant, it's holding a gun. Career slump over.
The Incredible Hulk
Trailer
What it's about: Because test subjects apparently went extinct, Dr. Bruce Banner (Edward Norton) performs a vague scientific experiment on himself, causing him to change into a huge green behemoth when he gets mad. So to combat the problem, he does yoga and gets a job at a Brazilian soda factory, scientifically proven as the most calming job on the planet.
What to expect: Academy-award-worthy acting, special effects, writing, directing, lighting, costuming, key grip work, music, set design and cinematography. Did I mention the acting? Or the writing? "No Country for Old Men?" Compared to this, it's more like shit...poop.
June 20
Get Smart
Trailer
What it's about: Secret Agent Maxwell Smart (Steve Carell), apparently the only secret agent in the country with an actual name, pisses all over a beloved 1960s comedy show for approximately 110 minutes.
What to expect: Prepare to see jokes about high-tech spy gear that didn't work transformed into jokes about high-tech spy gear that doesn't work...in CGI! Hear popular catchphrases spoken...by someone else! See Mel Brooks and Buck Henry...get slightly richer!
The Love Guru
Trailer
What it's about: Some stupid caricature (Mike Myers) spouts catchphrases endlessly until the world collapses on itself in some sort of bad comedy vortex.
What to expect: Darkness. The loneliness of a world gone cold. Famine. A seven-headed beast descending upon our world.
June 27
WALL-E
Trailer
What it's about: The cutest, loneliest robot ever meets a cylindrical iPod thingie and inadvertently saves humanity. He's like Jesus, but soooooooo cute!
What to expect: Depending on who you ask:
- A stinging indictment of capitalism run amok
- A treatise against monopolizaton
- An overbearing environmentalist screed
- An offensive insult against the obese
- A damn kids move onto which everybody seems to be push their own political agenda
- A fucking adorable movie about a robot
Wanted
Trailer
What it's about: An average dude (James McAvoy) meets a lady (Angelina Jolie) who tells him he's actually a member of a secret group of assassins and has special powers to...shoot guns, I guess. Like that doesn't happen to me every day.
What to expect: A movie that is absolutely nothing like the comic book series, which actually may not be a bad thing since that comic had such brilliant characters as Fuckwit and a guy made entirely of shit. This movie's got much better characters, like cliche-spewing Morgan Freeman and wooden Common.
July 4
Hancock
Trailer
What it's about: In this highly accurate historical adaptation, Will Smith plays John Hancock, famed signer of the Declaration of Independence. It is little told in history that John Hancock was actually a grouchy black guy with superpowers who lived in L.A.
What to expect: *snicker* Hancock. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Heh.
The Wackness
Trailer
What it's about: In the summer of 1994, some kid (Josh Peck) prepares to go to college and sells drugs to Gandhi (Ben Kingsley).
What to expect: I don't really know, other than a scene where Ben Kingsley and one of the Olsen twins make out. But I suppose there could be mentions of the Wu-Tang Clan, hypercolor t-shirts, the Republican Revolution and Forrest Gump. It's like VH1 in movie form.
July 11
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Trailer
What it's about: The mysterious demon who loves cats and pancakes, Hellboy (Ron Perlman), has to fight against an ancient force of unstoppable mechanical soldiers. Also, some albino people. Rasputin was asked to reprise his role from the first movie, but was obligated to appear in "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2."
What to expect: Monsters and shit, I guess. And some surprising similarities to the movie that Guillermo Del Toro will never top, "Pan's Labyrinth." In all seriousness, he will probably never make a better movie. Not even if he directs "Blade 4."
Journey to the Center of the Earth
Trailer
What it's about: Brendan Fraser (Brendan Fraser) and some kids spend about an hour and a half misremembering a Jules Verne book. In 3-D!
What to expect: 'Spy Kids' + 'The Mummy' + 19th Century sci-fi = One big bowl of bland. Also, expect characters to say exactly what's going on, all the time, e.g., "We're still falling!" and "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the center of the earth," as if they could know that. Oh, and one other thing: Brendan Fraser's character is supposed to be a scientist, but he identifies the hot molten rock in the center of the Earth as "lava." If it's inside the Earth, it's fucking magma. Get your shit right, movie.
Meet Dave
Trailer
What it's about: So there's this guy Dave (Eddie Murphy), right? But he's actually a spaceship! And inside him is a commander (Eddie Murphy) and a crew of some people from space! They don't understand us on Earth! So when Dave sees a cat (Eddie Murphy), he kicks it because he thinks it's dangerous! Man! It sells itself!
What to expect: Much like "The Wackness," I can only assume this movie is actually set in 1994. Here are the clues:
- The only songs in the trailer are "Stayin Alive," what seems to be a ripoff of "Fantastic Voyage" and that C & C Music Factory song.
- There's a joke about a "vente latte."
- "Yeah boyeee, yeah!"
- Eddie Murphy's in it.
In a couple days: Part 2, featuring movies that haven't even come out yet!
