In our previous installment of the movie preview (a delightful journey back in time to the first half of the summer), we made fun of a whole bunch of films that had already come out.
Here, we make fun of movies that haven't. So it's totally different.
July 18
The Dark Knight
Trailer
What it's about: Just as the reckless vigilante Batman (Christian Bale) is tightening his stranglehold on poor, defenseless crime in Gotham City, a lonely hero by the name of the Joker (Heath Ledger) emerges to end this wave of not-crime. Meanwhile, the new D.A., Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart), is less than cautious with one half of his face.
What to expect: Without trying to build the movie up too much, I'm just going to say that anyone who sees this can reasonably anticipate having his or her face caved in with awesome.
Mamma Mia!
Trailer
What it's about: A girl who's about to get married (Amanda Seyfried) discovers that her mother (Merryl Streep) was basically a whore. And so she does the only thing a reasonable person would do: Sing ABBA songs.
What to expect: If you're some sort of ABBA freak who lives on the fringes of society, a very enjoyable movie-going experience. If you're any of the rest of us, the feeling that this is probably what shows in the waiting room for hell.
Space Chimps
Trailer
What it's about: Chimps. In space.
What to expect: "Jokes" about the following:
- Bananas and primates' affinity for such fruit
- How the chimps in the movie wear space suits, despite the fact that chimps almost never wear clothes
- How chimps are sometimes like people, and vice-versa
- Countdowns of various types
- Poop, and the throwing thereof
July 25
Step Brothers
Trailer
What it's about: Two grown men who still live with their parents (Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly) become step-brothers when their respective parents get married. First they hate each other, then they're best friends. And my wonder-working powers of ESP tell me they'll probably have to save their parents from some kind of danger in the end, remaining friends while learning they need to grow up. Just a guess.
What to expect: Jokes that can ultimately be explained by this reaction: "But...but they're grown men!" Also, at least two jokes stolen from the highly under-appreciated Comedy Central show "Stella": 1) Grown men getting beaten up by neighborhood bullies and 2) wearing a tuxedo to work/a job interview. So great work, there, comedy gods.
The X-Files: I Want to Believe
Trailer
What it's about: Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) continues his search for The Truth (Prince), while partner Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson) wishes for a reassignment. Meanwhile, Billy Connolly has weird eyes and talks about seeing dogs in a dream.
What to expect: A spiraling, never-ending journey into madness, revolving around just exactly how and why Xzibit was ever cast in anything having absolutely nothing to do with pimping or rides. Side-note: This is the first of a string of sequels during this half of the summer that come 10 years after the fact and have excruciatingly long subtitles. Whatever happened just a numeral, e.g. "X-Files 2?" Or something cool like "X-Files 2: The X-Filesenating?"
August 1
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
Trailer
What it's about: Brendan Fraser (Brendan Fraser) stars in this sequel which appears to not take place in Egypt or have anything to do with a mummy. Yes, Jet Li appears to play the ghost of some dead emperor or something, but it'll take some real explaining to convince me that's a mummy.
What to expect: Another very long sequel subtitle, kicking, faces made out of sand (dirt?), a lamentable lack of Rachel Weisz and wardrobe that was apparently stolen wholesale from Resident Evil 4.
Swing Vote
Trailer
What it's about: A blue-collar guy (Kevin Costner) becomes the deciding vote in a presidential election between Dr. Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer) and the guy from "Easy Rider" who always says "man" (Dennis Hopper).
What to expect: The most accurate film ever made about our electoral system, in that it shows how a daughter can register her father to vote by mail and without identification, and that your vote actually matters. Also, it provides a stunningly realistic portrayal of lower-class America as a cadre of lovable losers instead of depressive people who can't afford to eat on their minimum-wage salaries.
August 8
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
Trailer
What it's about: A pair of pants continues its travels by visiting Sydney, Antarctica, Neverland and Jupiter. Also, four chicks do some stuff that's probably very boring.
What to expect: Because of work, school and family obligations, four young women simply cannot find the time to find their true selves and learn about the wonderful power of that unstoppable force known as friendship.
Pineapple Express
Trailer
What it's about: Stoner 1 (Seth Rogen) witnesses a murder, causing him and Stoner 2 (James Franco) to go on the run from the crooks who committed the deed. As if any of that mattered.
What to expect: Haha! Weed makes you hungry! Hahahahaha! Also, it makes you laugh at television shows you wouldn't otherwise enjoy! Bwahahahaha! You know what else it does? It makes you lethargic! Hehehehehe! And the other thing is, it makes you say craaaazy shit sometimes! No one has ever made these observations.
August 15
Tropic Thunder
Trailer
What it's about: A director (Steve Coogan) has trouble working with the prissy actors on his new Vietnam movie, so he opts to throw them into a real war zone, hoping to see realistic results. I would like to request that this actually happen to Hayden Christiansen, Ashton Kutcher, Josh Hartnett and Nick Cannon.
What to expect: Look, I like Robert Downey Jr. and all, but I'm not sure even Jesus Christ himself could pull off the blackface thing he's trying to do in this movie, even ironically, as it's trying to be done here. The whole white guy playing a black dude thing was played out even when Al Jolson was up in that shit, Rob. Didn't you see "Bamboozled?" Oh, right, nobody did. Sorry.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars
Trailer
What it's about: It's seemingly about how three two-and-a-half-hour movies, two seasons of a cartoon TV show and a whole bunch of video games couldn't tell the whole goddamn story.
What to expect: Hey, guess what? After this, they're starting a whole new TV series. Yo, George Lucas, if you're suddenly in the business of making these, like, action-packed movies/shows set during the time of the prequels, why not consider going back and, I dunno, remaking all the fucking prequels so they're not so shitbitching terrible? Thanks.
Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Trailer
What it's about: Two young tourists (Scarlett Johansson and Rebecca Hall) to Spain fall for ruthless killer Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem), but Chigurh's ex-wife comes into the picture. By morning, they will all be dead, and a local sheriff will be disillusioned.
What to expect: It's a movie with fucking Javier Bardem in it! I don't care if it's a Woody Allen movie or whatever, I expect him to kill everyone that speaks to him, walks by him, looks at him funny or attends a showing of the film.
August 22
Death Race
Trailer
What it's about: A former NASCAR driver (Jason Statham, as if there has ever been a British NASCAR driver) falsely accused of killing his wife is pitted against other convicts in a race to the death. Al Swearengen (Ian McShane) is on hand to speak in nothing but exposition.
What to expect: Um...the best movie of the year? Let's count all the things this movie's got going for it:
- Paul W.S. Anderson
- It's a remake of a 1970s Sylvester Stallone/David Carradine star vehicle
- Tyrese
- Busty female prisoners a la "Caged Heat"
- No less than 12 cliches spoken in the two-and-a-half minute trailer alone
- The greatest racing tip in history: "You don't go backwards"
The House Bunny
Trailer
What it's about: A Playboy bunny (Anna Faris) deemed too old to keep living in Hef's mansion takes up with a ragtag group of sorority girls to make them into the superficial sluts they truly are.
What to expect: A strong message about how hard work and intelligence aren't anywhere near as important as six-inch heels and cleavage. Finally that sun's breaking through the clouds for ya, ladies! Take that, glass ceiling!
The Longshots
Trailer
What it's about: I don't really need to know anything beyond this: Directed by Fred Durst.
What to expect: It was directed by Fred Durst. Fred-fucking-Limp-Bizkit Durst. Someone actually thought it was a good idea to give that mouth-breathing cunthair money and a camera to make a film. Eat me, society. Really, no. I hate you.
August 29
Disaster Movie
Trailer
What it's about: Characters from films that have come out within the last year (the princess from "Enchanted," Juno, Iron Man, Hannah Montana) get hit with asteroids and cows for a hour and a half, and America is expected choke it down as passable humor. The really funny thing is they will, if by funny, you mean soul-crushingly sad.
What to expect: Lots of questions. Like, "What is Iron Man aiming at before he gets hit by that cow?" and "Why doesn't Hannah Montana actually look even a little bit like the real Hannah Montana?" or "Why the hell is Kim Kardashian in this?" as well as "Why does Juno look like she's in her mid-40s?" plus "Why are men dressed as 'Sex and the City' characters hanging out in a warehouse?" These will never be answered.
Babylon A.D.
Trailer
What it's about: A guy who smuggles people (Vin Diesel) gets hired to take some girl who missiles don't seem to hurt to...somewhere...for some guy. And it's all to the music from "Requiem for a Dream." So maybe he gets really fucked up on drugs or something? Look, I don't really care.
What to expect: Sound and fury, signifying nothing. And Vin Diesel talking in a really deep voice for no reason.
September 5
Bangkok Dangerous
Trailer
What it's about: A lonely assassin (Nicolas Cage) gets hired to go on a job, where he appears to fall in love or something. Then he gets mad because the job he got hired for is a political assassination. But isn't that like, an Olympic sprint for an assassin? Shouldn't he be happy about that? You get awards for political assassinations, right? This movie makes no sense.
What to expect: Bangkok. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
The Accidental Husband
Trailer
What it's about: A radio relationship-show host (Uma Thurman) suggests that a caller break up with her firefighter fiancee (Jeffrey Dean Morgan). As payback, the firefighter somehow marries the radio host over the internet without her consent, because apparently people can do that. Even though she's engaged to a foppish dandy (Colin Firth), she falls for the firefighter guy in a shocking twist.
What to expect: The most original movie of this year or any year.
September 12
Righteous Kill
Trailer
What it's about: Two cops whose actual names are Turk (Robert De Niro) and Rooster (Al Pacino) discover that the suspect they arrested years ago for a string of serial murders may be the wrong person after a new body turns up. This is the most far-fetched plot ever, given that the police never arrest the wrong people for anything.
What to expect: High-quality entertainment, given Pacino ("88 Minutes," "Gigli," "Simone," "Two For the Money") and DeNiro's ("Stardust," "Hide and Seek," "Meet the Fockers," "Analyze That") flawless recent track records.
Burn After Reading
Trailer
What it's about: A group of gym employees finds a CD in a locker that contains the memoirs of a CIA agent, because the government loves it when covert agents write a lot about what they do. Like any reasonable people, the gym employees try to blackmail the agent (John Malkovich) into coughing up some money for it.
What to expect: Brad Pitt crying! Oh look, he's crying! I'm going to love this movie.
September 19
My Best Friend's Girl
Trailer
What it's about: After an unfunny character (Kate Hudson) breaks up with another unfunny character (Jason Biggs), Biggs asks his roommate, the Unfunniest Person Ever (Dane Cook), to go out on a bad date with Hudson to remind her of how great he was. Yes, Jason Biggs really is a great guy, what with his pie fucking and nebbishness and such.
What to expect: I despise this movie for two key reasons: 1) Everything about its plot, cast and dialogue. 2) The fact that I will have that Cars song of the same name in my head all goddamn day.
Lakeview Terrace
Trailer
What it's about: A badass cop (Samuel L. Jackson) gets mad at an interracial young couple that moves in next door to him and tries through various passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive means to get them to leave. This movie is highly unlikely for one key reason: If you move in to a house and Samuel L. Jackson doesn't want you there, you don't hang around or fight or try to reason with him. You go.
What to expect: "I've had it with this motherfucking interracial couple in my motherfucking gated community!"
September 26
Miracle at St. Anna
Trailer
What it's about: In this Spike Lee Joint, soldiers from an all-black World War II Army regiment find themselves trapped behind enemy lines in Italy. After an Italian restauranteur gives the soldiers more shit than they can stand, one, Mookie, throws a trash can through the window, screaming, "Hate!"
What to expect: No matter how much difference there is in the setting, the plot or the characters, I think the entrenched knowledge is that it's basically "Black Saving Private Ryan."
Eagle Eye
Trailer
What it's about: The Kid From "Holes" (Kid From "Holes") has all kinds of crazy-cool spy shit happen to him after he gets a couple phone calls from a mystery lady. For instance, his name shows up on the LED sign in Times Square! Whoa, man!
What to expect: Lots of moments that would make a 14-year-old declare, "Dude." And, fingers crossed, a cameo from the best shitty one-hit-wonder of the '90s, Eagle-Eye Cherry.
Blindness
Trailer
What it's about: In this provocatively titled film, a big chunk of the population is overcome with the sudden onset of...um...blindness. The not-blind wife (Julianne Moore) of one part of that chunk (Mark Ruffalo) accompanies a group of victims to a camp for the newly blind. There, she inspires a revolution by convincing people they're storming the U.N. when they're actually beating on the stall doors in the men's room.
What to expect: Probably a lot of beating off about how people are who they are in spite of their disabilities, but I would really prefer an avant-garde seven hour film that consists of nothing but a blank screen and barely audible screeching.
