Here at the ISS, we occasionally get e-mails. Some of them compliment us for our continual destruction of all that is good and noble in the world. Some are from superheroic douchebags who don't get us. And some of them are so dumb we have to post them publicly and answer them.
Here, a pimp(?) tries to talk us into doing something involving a cash machine. It's confusing.
Workathome wrote:
No! Fuck you!
What is it?
Whoa, there, Workathome. You're all over the place here. You ask me if I know that the google ca$h machine is, and before you even explain that to me, you're asking me if I would like $500 to $1000 a week. This is all coming at me very fast.
Are...are you a pimp? A pimp named google? With cash? Is that what this is?
Are you trying to pimp...my ass?
At this point my leg is not what I would assume was going to be pulled.
Stop pressuring me, guy! This is a very difficult decision you're trying to force on me! You can't have me going out onto the mean streets of Internetdom and doing tug jobs in just a quarter of an hour! It takes time and deliberation to decide if professional tug jobbery should be my chosen line of work! I don't even have an associate's degree in being a prostitute!
Exclamations!
I think I've already discovered the secret. Like I said, it's tug jobs.
Oh. So they're some kind of super tug jobs? Is AdSense like, the special lubricant or something?
Well, now you're just trying to scare me into submission what with your all caps, Mr. GooglePimpMan. It won't work. I'm a sensitive tug job provider.
Oh, hi, Sebastian. What happened to your pimp colleague?
It depends. How much hair do you have on your ass? 'Cause mine's like a forest.
Ah, I see you've been to this website before.
Tell me about it. Some guy just tried to pimp me. You should have seen him. He was talking about a cash machine, but it was spelled with a dollar sign. It was crazy shit, man.
You figured out how to make money from a website where a hairy-assed writer sarcastically answers spam?
Me too! That's so weird.
Well, if you're only ever going to have one idea, it had better damn well be amazing.
Oh no. Oh shit.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Super tug jobs.
So...wait. Your one idea in your whole life involved how to give super tug jobs? I...I'm sorry.
Anyway, I'll work on that not sharing it with anyone thing.
You know, this sure is a lot of smooth talkin' with the misplaced capital letters and all. I suddenly feel very much like Jodie Foster in "Taxi Driver."
I'm just slathering and slathering my toast with jelly while I wear huge sunglasses and spend all my time with some dude named Sport. Right now.
Anyway, okay, tell me what the method is.
I'd would say it's more like you're "handing" them!
Get it? Because of the tug jobs?
It appears that you have forgotten about telling me about this method of yours. But, whatever, cry some more, you pimp baby.
So now you're peddling tug jobs? What kind of life is that? I think you sould have stuck with your newspaper route.
Oh, so you've seen "Taxi Driver," then?
This is the longest e-mail from a pimp I have ever seen.
Oh, I don't have any doubt that super tug jobs will make me money. The thing I have a problem with is...the tugging.
No kissing on the mouth, no biting. Pretty much the standards, I would think. Though getting deep is allowed if you pay a little more.
No, it's a pimping program. We've established that.
And I will not not be giving tug jobs. Got it.
It's an ass (to ass?) selling program. I know. Let's get on with this.
Oh, I know. Believe me. When you're in it, you're in it to stay. Just like in "Taxi Driver."
Well, at least that's flattering, I guess.
Unless you call the flow of revenue from hos up to pimp a pyramid. It's more of just a line, I guess.
What? Do I hold my thumb in a special place or what? Seriously, what makes a tug job super? I'm genuinely curious, and you're being very coy.
Except my forest-like ass!
Save me, Travis Bickle!
