The Summer Games in Beijing are under way, and though they've already had more than their share of deadly stabbings and lip-syncing, several things are missing from the XXIX Olympiad that we feel ought to have been included to make them something other than cure for insomnia.

And since the International Olympic Committee has failed to reply our e-mails and stopped answering our phone calls months ago, here, in this public forum, are our demands for the 2012 London Games.

So get on it, Frenchies.

Revisions to the outmoded, outdated medal system.

Gold, silver and bronze? What is this, 1900, when shit like that mattered to railroad barons and William Jennings Bryan because they needed to make, like, busts of prominent figures and actually back up the value of American currency with something?

This is a different age, people, with different priorities and different standards of value. That's why the new first place medal shouldn't be something so pedestrian as gold, but should instead be made of the finest, most elegant substance known to man: Diamond-encrusted platinum.

We've created a mock-up:

Not only would this finally bring the Olympic Games into the 21st Century, it would also finally bring a sense of of acceptance to the Millionaires of Pimpistan, who have been so shunned by the world community at large.

As for the second- and third-place medals, might we suggest the next most valuable items on earth: spinning dubs and final credit card bill notices followed by calls from a collection agency?

Modifications to the events, making them friendlier to a modern audience.

Sure, some people might still want to see archery or the discus throw or, I don't know, basketball, but those are all so old-fashioned, and frankly, boring sports that the only people who even watch the Olympics anymore or people who like other old, boring things like opera or ballet or Adam Sandler movies.

Why not add in another element? Like, say, in the shooting events. Why not put another person, let's call him or her a Gladiator, behind the target and have them shoot at the competitor? Or, instead of fencing, you could have a competitor and a Gladiator fight with giant Q-tips over a pool of water? Or, instead of track and field, you could have people get inside giant metal balls and roll around a lot.

Then, for the competitors to actually get to the medal presentations, make them run an obstacle course, an Eliminator if you will, involving any combination of the following: treadmills, handbikes, heavy bags, rows of doors where only some tear away, cargo nets, Larry Czonka.

New locations.

Okay, so this is something they can't actually do in the 2012 London Games since they've already selected a host city in sleepy old England, but they'll be selecting other host cities soon and they would be passing up a real opportunity if they choose any of the 2016 candidate cities of Chicago, Rio de Janerio, Tokyo or Madrid.

The only one of those that would even be a little interesting would be Rio, since South America has never hosted the Games, but honestly, all NBC would have for establishing shots is that Jesus statue. Tired.

So before you go to some boring-ass world city, allow us to suggest these possible locations:

• Baghdad
• The moon
• The Legendary City of El Dorado
• Atlantis
• Hell
• Gotham City
• Dickensian London
• Cleveland

That the athletes from the nation of Castlevania finally be allowed to compete.

Though officials know the nation of Castlevania would dominate in events such as Mummy Whipping, the Holy Water Throw and Being a Giant Bat, athletes from the small country remain locked out following accusations of cheating and a disqualification in the 1976 games.

A gaunt Castlevanian boxer apparently would just not stay on the mat after each knock-down, but would instead continually reassemble himself and rhythmically throw huge bones at his opponent. The rules do not explicitly state that this is illegal, however.

Stories of earlier disqualifications abound, as well.

In this undated photo, a shamed athlete is ordered to leave the medal platform.

The nation has been, simply, shunned.

The inclusion of Competitive Fucking as an event.

I've been asking about this one for years. They already have pole vaulting, right? Am I right, folks?

In the meantime, I'll continue practicing.

KingOblivionPhD@the-iss.com