This whole presidential election process has been nothing but people jabbering on and on about who'll have the best health care plan or who would end the war the fastest or who's better friends with Jesus, but frankly none of that stuff matters to us.

Here's what matters to us: Who is, at heart, a supervillain? We've conducted a scientific study based on eight major criteria of the two major-party candidates (we could include the third parties, but we already know Nader's got that one) to try to get to the heart of the matter.

For every fact that makes a candidate more villain-like, we'll add villain points. For each one that makes him more heroesque, we'll subtract some. We'll tally it all at the end.

Attire

Obama

When this photo got leaked by some Clinton campaign staffers a few months ago, we didn't make any assumptions. But then the rumors started flying that this was actually Obama's secret Muslim costume, and, well, here we are. Yeah, we know Obama isn't technically a Muslim, but perception, reality, etc.

And let's face it folks, for about three years there, in a display of unparalleled cultural sensitivity, you couldn't throw a rock in Comic Book Land without hitting an Islamic supervillain. Hell, "Captain America" got relaunched as a book where he did nothing but fight Muslims. And I think we all remember a little comic called American Power. Or, since it never actually got published, maybe we don't. But still, there was that cover.

Plus 30.

McCain

It's hard to find pictures of McCain in much of anything other than suits or maybe the occasional Navy baseball cap, which isn't really villain attire at all (okay, maybe suits are, but Obama wears those, too, so that's a wash).

In all honesty, all we could find in an exhaustive Google image search was this picture of the guy in a floppy hat, which, while dumb-looking, isn't particularly evil.

Minus 10.

Age

McCain

Supervillains are old. McCain, 72 in August, is quite old. Like, Vulture old.
You know what I think it is that makes villainy so much easier in the twilight years? The jowls. Only old guys have jowls, and they're really useful for maniacal laughter and just general treachery. I mean, ask the zombie of Richard Nixon.

Plus 20.

Obama

Obama's no spring chicken, but in the political arena, 47 (which he also turned in August) might as well be 14. And, frankly, just about every superhero except maybe Wolverine and Superman is a goddamn teenager. What with their loud music and not caring about the death tax and interest in justice.

Leave me alone, you peace freaks! (Imagine I was saying that while shaking my jowls.)

Minus 20.

Occupational History

Obama

Obama's first job was as a Chicago community organizer, which in the '30s was slang for "bribe taker," but probably wasn't when he was on the job, so we'll call it even (0).

Then, he headed off to Harvard Law and began practicing with law firms soon after graduation (+40). He then became a professor, but unfortunately did not teach any type of mad science (-10).

In the late '90s he was elected to the state Senate of Illinois (+15) and he now serves in the U.S. Senate (+50).

Plus 95.

McCain

After graduating from the U.S. Naval Academy, McCain, in a shocking move, joined the Navy (-20). Soon after, he fought in Vietnam (-10) and was taken as a prisoner of war. But he wasn't mangled or experimented on or anything (-35). After his return, he served as the Navy liaison to the U.S. Senate (+20).

He then went on to serve as a member of the U.S. House (+40) and U.S. Senate (+50).

Plus 45.

Preferred Displays of Affection

McCain

Yeah, he's hugging George W. Bush, who, according to many is the political villain to end all villains, but we're not necessarily looking at associations here, just body language.

And here's our conclusion: Villains don't hug.

Minus 25.

Obama

We've never actually seen any supervillains genuinely give each other dap (except for us, of course, because we're from the streets). But the pundits who labeled this gesture a "terrorist fist jab" must know more than us, because that's pretty much what it's become known as, at least in talk-radio circles.

And even the New Yorker thought so! Or maybe it slyly said it didn't think so via satire. It's hard for us, the unwashed (and evil) American masses, to tell.

Plus 25.

Race

Lots of commentators have skirted this issue in the election, but we won't.

And like it or not, there isn't a single worthwhile black supervillain, with the exception of maybe two (Moses Magnum and Angstrom Levy). At least that's how it is in the overly PC (or is it racist?) comics world.

Don't believe me? Let me name some black comics supervillains for you: Hypno-Hustler, Rocket Racer, Black Spider, Cottonmouth, Puff Adder, Mr. Fish.

And you know who's white? Dr. Doom is white. Case closed.

Obama

Minus 30.

McCain

Plus 30.

Laughter

It's subtle in this clip featuring a happy Obama dancing to a Beyonce song (a good omen, since Benjamin Harrison also did that before he was elected), but listen closely to his two or three instances of laughter in this appearance on the Ellen show.

Hear that? That, friends, is a cackle. Crank up the volume, string it out for several more minutes and you've got something that could easily be preceded with, "And then the world will be MINE!"

Bonus: He's got a hell of a left.

Plus 30.

Poor John McCain. Here he is dismissing a reporter's charge that he doesn't know who's in charge of the warmongering in Iran with a laugh. And he still can't manage to come off as anything other than limp-dicked.

I repeat: He's laughing off an assertion that he could care less about who's threatening to wipe Israel off the map, and he can't even muster a decent "Mwa-ha-ha!" That's sad.

Even so, those choppers are pretty scary.

Minus 10.

Advertising

It's one of the old rules of the hero/villain game: Heroes focus mostly on themselves (the venal bastards) while villains focus chiefly on their adversaries (in adherence to Sun Tzu, one of the original supervillains, who said that you should "Know thine enemy").

That said, check out this ad! Not only does it have a pitch-perfect mocking supervillain tone with the whole Moses parting the Red Sea business, it also harps on Obama so much that you can barely tell McCain had anything to do with it if you didn't know he was the opponent and all.

All it needs is some poison gas shooting out of the screen at the end and it would be pretty much the ad I would make.

Plus 50.

This ad's got superhero smeared all over it.

First off, it's all Obama, Obama, Obama like he's the protagonist or some shit.

Second, it's aimed at students, who, while highly impressionable, are also naively idealistic and anti-villain (it's all that Hollywood propaganda against us).

And lastly, the spokesman is a guy from a shitty band, and as we all know, superheroes have a bad habit of hanging around with often-crappy celebrities.

Minus 40.

Pop Culture Presence

McCain

Yep, McCain had a short little cameo on "24" as a member of the CTU staff. "Oh," you're saying, "so he played a staffer for a government anti-terrorist organization. That probably makes him more heroic."

But you're dead wrong. Have you ever watched "24?" Fully 95 percent of the people who work at CTU end up being terrorist double agents. There's no reason McCain should be any different. Odds are that folder he's delivering is full of poisonous snakes.

Plus 25.

Obama

You know, in retrospect, we probably could have just shown this image and answered the question at hand without all the extraneous verbiage about ads and fist bumps and John McCain's teeth.

Sorry!

Minus 150.

And so, the final tally is Obama -60 and McCain +125.

Which means John McCain is our winner! Therefore, we give him our full endorsement and hope he will rain destruction upon do-gooders everywhere.

Congratulations, Johnny! We hereby confer upon you the supervillain name Die-Man Wilson, leader of The Evil Beach Boys.

KingOblivionPhD@the-iss.com