It has come to my attention that there is someone out there more evil than any supervillain: The dieting industry.

Not only are they calling everyone fat, but now they assume we are stupid, too. And the worst part is they're getting away with it. Upon reading a Yahoo article about 4 steps to avoid regaining weight, I realized every step in the article was something even the worst people in the world, B-list movie superheroes, could come up with (and obviously have, due to their overly-macho physiques). So I set to debunking their lies, and coming up with some better tips.

Step 1: "Participate in aerobic exercise for least one hour or more each day."

What galls me the most about this piece of advice is that any obese doctor or even Dr. Phil, who I suspect is some kind of alien robot (he's certainly no human), will tell you this. The hypocrisy cannot possibly rise higher.

And here's the thing: Even when you lose the weight, you still have to keep doing it. Like, forever. Plus, most of the time, you end up wearing a very humiliating costume/gym uniform/spandex shorts set, like in the Olivia Newton-John "Physical" video.

So let’s think this over. I can think of several superheroes who fit the bill for this step: Constant physical activity...funny outfit….right. The real target of this step, then, seems to be, "Become a lame Superman wannabe."

Step 2: "Focus on watching calories."

First off, I don't even know how you focus on watching something.

And I'm not certain, but I think this step is telling us that numbers make us fat. I was always pretty sure before that it was fatty foods that made people fat. Apparently, I was mistaken. So that's it. I'm not eating one more number, at least until Thanksgiving.

So, just to reiterate, instead of following the food pyramid like I was taught in kindergarten, I must ruthlessly count the calories of anything I consume. This is bad news for Galactus. If McNuggets are at least 400 calories, I'd hate to think what Australia is.

What I find utterly fascinating is the dietitian health fanatics have somehow legally arranged for just about every fast food restaurant and grocery chain to slap dietary labels on things, silently showing you that Pizza Hut Calazones = heart attack in a box, like the grease didn’t tell me that already.

Carrying on in a fine supervillain tradition, however, I sup on lavish banquets prepared by the finest chefs with an accompanying wine. It is beneath me to count calories, and I feel it is beneath the world population as well.

Step Two, I think, should be revamped to read "Aim to live like a pretentious middle class housewife."

Step 3: "Keep a food log."

I suppose in an alternate universe writing could be considered an exercise.

I am truly shocked that the industry even got this rule to fly. If someone is dumb enough to follow a dieting regime like this one, why on earth would you want to tax their mental capabilities by making them write things down?

Sure, the people following the dieting craze aren’t that bright, but I would like to have hope that they are smart enough to look at their food before they put it in their mouth, and actually remember eating it when they are trying not to gain weight.

What I find so strange about this step is that if you have to waste your time writing, you probably aren’t eating, so in the most peculiar way, it works.

I don’t want to change Step Three, really; it appears to speak for itself. Though I would like for some people to misinterpret it and start constructing actual logs out of leftover pizza, banana peels and used gum. Maybe they could build a cabin.

Step 4: "Choose healthier and lower fat foods."

This isn't a step, it's just more text. It even says, "See steps 2 and 3."

This industry is being paid to repeat itself like a trained parrot on cocaine. "Exercise, watch what you eat, write down what you eat, watch what you eat, oh, and did we mention to watch what you eat?"

I blame Oprah and her sponsoring of health books. Obviously she was subverted long ago by the health industry.

Step Four will be officially known as "Submit your free will to Oprah," or alternately, "I give up. I'll become anorexic."

To end my jealous rant on a bitter note, I am certain that the dietitians get paid far more than me in any job I have held or ever will hold (the monetary benefits of supervillainy are not Dr. Doom levels for everyone).

These people have captivated the minds of millions. The only other jobs out there that come remotely close are President of the United States and teen pop star. Dietitians are well-respected and get big book deals. They are also being fawned over by celebrities. But overall, what galls me the most about this relatively simple, diabolical, and very successful plan is I didn’t think of it first.

TrickTech: “Providing all villainous technological needs on a 24 hour basis. No questions asked, no I.D. required.”
grifdragon@yahoo.com
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