With the House's failure to pass the economic bailout bill Monday, people are panicked that the economy is about to implode right in their faces, banks will fail and we'll have another Great Depression on our hands (which falls right in line with our diabolical world domination plan. Thanks, Congress!).
But another Great Depression won't be so bad. Here are some examples of just some of the numerous silver linings we'll see if the 2010s end up like the 1930s.
Fashion
Another Great Depression can only mean one thing when it comes to fashion: The return of hobo clothes.
Hobo couture, they would call it, or if they were really inventive, hoboture. But think about it: Wouldn't you rather wear a tattered top hat with the top coming off, polka-dotted pants held up with a piece of rope, shoes where your big toe sticks out of both of them, and at least five jackets with myriad patches on them to work (ha-ha, just kidding, you won't have a job, unless you count picking up soda cans, not to turn in for money, but to eat) instead of some boring old Armani suit? Hearty boxers and hilariously mismatched socks are also a must.
Or better yet, wouldn't you just rather wear a barrel? You haven't really known freedom until you have used a barrel for your entire clothing ensemble.
Also, it would be to your benefit to have a constant five o' clock shadow that never really materializes into a beard. That goes double for you, ladies.
And of course, there are the accessories. Bindles, bindles and more bindles!
Housing
Only when we begin living in hastily thrown together shanty towns will we appreciate the wonder of living in hastily thrown together shanty towns. (Instead of Hoovervilles, we'd call 'em Bushburgs or maybe Pelosipalities.)
There's no community like shanty town community, where everyone hangs their clothes to dry and the same line and make your own fun with communal makeshift bowling games using 10 emptied salt and pepper shakers and a baby.
Organized Crime
But not just any organized crime. This would be the type of organized crime that involves tommy guns and constantly robbing banks and hilarious nicknames and men who look like giant babies or have hairstyles so flat that you could land a 747 on them. Oh, and an endless supply of pinstripes.
Also important: Ethnic stereotypes. We need to bring those back, hard.
Hilarious Slang
Could someone please tell me why we stopped referring to quarters as "two bits?" Or legs as "walkin' sticks?" Or have lost any and all cause to use the word "mook?" Or "palooka?" Only a devastating economic collapse could bring these words back into the national consciousness. Thank God it's happening. Maybe, finally, we can start calling liquor "hooch" again.
Entertainment
If there was ever a time for the return of Vaudeville, it's now. Actually, I'm working on a Vaudeville act right now with my colleague, the good Dr. Bunnypuncher, M.D., that will revolutionize the genre. Here's a sneak peek:
(Peppy piano jingle runs throughout. Dr. B is inexplicably in blackface.)
KOPhD: Hey there, Bunnypuncher, I just got back from the doctor's.
Dr. B: You don't say? Well, what'd he tell ya?
KOPhD: He told me I'm fat!
Dr. B: Fat? You don't say!
KOPhD: Yep. Fat. I asked him for a second opinion, and he said I'm ugly!
Dr. B: You don't say!
KOPhD: Nah, I'm just kiddin'. I can't go to no doctors! What do you think I have, health insurance?
(Musical sting. KOPhD and Dr. B manically dance around the stage, exit when huge canes drag them off.)
Food
Beans! And nothing but beans! Well, if you're lucky, maybe a boiled shoe to go with it. Sweet.
