Ladies and gentlemen, the end is nigh!

Maybe. Or then again, maybe not. Who knows? The economy has taken a nosedive, and fuel prices may soon force us to start scavenging "Road Warrior" style, wearing mohawks and leather get ups. Everyone will have a sawed-off shotgun which they will bring to their local BP-Amoco. The cost of a gallon? Your face.

Which is kind of cool in a post-apocalyptic way, and would definitely make your commute to work more interesting. But before we start wearing leather undies, let's take a look at how we might actually save the good old U.S.A. from impending disaster. At least temporarily, before we can actually be the cause of the disaster ourselves.

Annex Canada.

For too long, our neighbor to the north has basically only served to separate us from our 49th state, Alaska.

Not that that's a bad, since, frankly, Alaska scares us. How anyone can reproduce in a climate that cold is unthinkable. The residents have to be part cockroach.

Anyway, the time has come that we make Canada work for us. It's no secret that Canada's foreign relations are better than ours, as is their health care and overall attitude towards life. Therefore, I would strongly suggest that we annex Canada so we can trade on its reputation with the rest of the world. This should be fairly easy to do, considering how easy going and laid back most Canadians are.

Here's how we think it'll probably go:

US: Hey, Canada. You've been annexed. You are now officially part of the United States!
CANADA: We are, eh?
US: Yes.
CANADA: Oh, okay then. Well, let me just get my stuff here --
US: Now.
CANADA: Oh...um...sure.

Sell California to Mexico.

It's no secret that California is full of Californians. Bet you didn't know that. And Californians are often Scientologists. So, you know, it wouldn't be hard to sell people on getting rid of the place. And there's nothing else to lose (except for our huge entertainment industry)!

Anyway, here's how we see it going down:

Step 1: The United States offers to sell California to Mexico, thereby taking a big chunk (about 7 percent) out of the national debt.
Step 2: Mexico borrows the money from Columbia and buys California. No one really notices.
Step 3: Columbia sells coffee (mostly to Californians) to make back the money it lended out for the California purchase.
Step 4: The United States "finds" (plants) weapons of mass destruction in Columbia and liberates it. Of its coffee.
Step 5: Mexico gets tired of trying to keep illegal immigrants (Americans) out of California, since so many Iowans are looking for work in movies or simply trying to be contestants on "The Price is Right." Mexico sells it back to the United States at a loss.

California back + coffee money = $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Declare war on fuel companies.

They've figured out how to use corn to make ethanol from corn, and now's there's a huge demand for corn, which jacks up the price. So it seems no matter which way we go, we're gonna get gouged by the fuel companies. Sure, we know that traditional oil isn't a renewable resource...but c'mon...corn?

Let's go to business class, son: Imagine you own a lemonade stand, and there's a huge demand for the stuff. You're able to charge as much for it as you want because you know people really want it. Then someone comes up with an idea to make lemonade in a cheaper, renewable manner (using, I dunno, grass lemons or some shit). Now what? Heres an idea! Charge almost as much for the new stuff as the traditional lemonade! Problem solved! Now the lemonade stand executives can take the rest of the day off to go suck the blood out of someones beloved household pets.

We're wasting our time in the Middle East. We should be bombing the shit out of the oil companies. Then nobody will have oil, and all our problems will be solved. Or something.

Ease the strain on the prison system: Say "hello" Alaska!

We've got a pretty good number other problems to deal with other the economy: An over crowded prison system, for instance, as well as what to do for entertainment during the time that Mexico owns Hollywood.

But there's a simple fix! We move all the prisoners to Alaska, and make alcohol plentiful there. Shouldn't be too hard.

Then we make the ultimate TV reality show. Imagine: Convicted criminals drinking to stay warm and driving on ice out in the middle of Alaska. Like a cross between Ice Road Truckers and Survivor, but with drunken prisoner antics! It would be kind of like that movie "Death Race," but on fucking ice. It would be especially cool if we get into gear about that whole Mad Max thing we mentioned earlier.

Hey, we know that times are hard. But if we all pull together and make these things happen, it's still possible that we'll be able to salvage America!

But I'm fitting my Plymouth Breeze with front mounted machine guns, just in case.

revrogue@rocketmail.com