EARTH

Before I actually get into this, I would like to point out that it's been quite a while since I've watched Captain Planet, and until just now when I did a search for some images, I had completely forgotten that he had a mullet. Check that guy out! Rockin' that green mullet! And it's a flat-top mullet, no less! I'm just glad to know that the protector of our environment had a whole Billy Ray Cyrus thing going on and by all indications drove a full-size Ford pickup. Anyway, earth. Did they really have to give the black guy dirt for his power? I imagine that in the Turner board meeting that inevitably resulted in this show, the most insensitive guy in the room said something to the effect of, "Well, the African guy's brown, and dirt's brown, so why not make him earth? We made the red-haired guy fire, after all." And everyone was too appalled to say anything. Minus 8 bullets.

FIRE

I'm not sure this is an entirely accurate statement, but I don't really think fire is something that occurs as naturally as say, water and earth. I mean, yeah, the occasional forest fire happens naturally, and I guess the sun is more or less fire (really hot gas, technically), but that's not really our planet. Or a planet at all. So I wouldn't say that fire is particularly elemental, though the ancients thought it was. If anything, I'd say that all that stuff inside the planet -- molten rock -- is more accurate. Plus, molten rock would be a lot more effective against that guy made out of nuclear waste or that lady whose face was messed up on one side. A wall of fire to stop them or a big chunk of liquid granite to melt the bastards? It maybe would have made the show a little less kid-friendly, but that's the price you pay for realism. The environment's no laughing matter, folks. Minus 2 bullets.

WIND

My favorite thing about the Russian girl who had the power of wind was that she always said "vind!" in the most stereotypical, borscht-eating accent you could imagine. Honestly, I think that the producers of this show assigned these particular people from these particular countries their powers not as some nod to multiculturalism but to distinctly uphold existing stereotypes. The tribal African guy knows all about dirt because of his agricultural society, the South American kid is a bleeding heart pinko commie, the "fiery" American guy has a short fuse and is selfish, the Asian girl (like Bruce Lee) is like water, and the Russian girl shouts "Vind!" I'm not really sure what other connection Russia has to wind, other than maybe the chilling blasts that blow about the Siberian plains, but I don't really care, because, even now, "Vind!" cracks me up just thinking about it. Plus 4 bullets.

WATER

I'm thinking back to the opening credits of the show, and I seem to remember the Asian girl who had the water power riding a dolphin as she was introduced. This always confused me, as I thought she only had control of the water itself, not the stuff that lived in the water, like she was some kind of Aquaman-lite. And last I checked, dolphins were decidedly not made of water (and I'll have you know, I check regularly). So what the crap was that dolphin-riding stuff? But then, come to think of it, I don't really recall too many instances of the Planeteers using their powers to any real effect, anyway, other than to, you know, create Captain Planet. Which brings up another question: Why didn't they just have Captain Planet around all the time? Every episode consisted of them failing for 20 minutes, then having him come in and fix everything anyway. Just bring him in at the beginning, Planeteers! Idiots! ...Oh, right, water. Um, whatever. Riding the dolphin is the only thing from those credits I remember, so Plus 1 bullet, I guess.

HEART

This one showed so much promise, but they had to go and make it all fruity. Remember in Castlevania 2, when Simon Belmont had to go around and collect all of Dracula's parts -- his heart, his eye, his nail, his rib, his ring -- so he could put him back together to kill him and break his curse? I kind of imagined that's what the heart this kid used to make Captain Planet would be. Like, all the other kids would have the powers of "Rib" and "Nail" and "Eye," which they would burn on a pyre to resurrect the odious Captain Planet and break his horrible curse on the environment. And at night, the enemies would be, like, way way tougher. But actually "heart" turned out to be the kid's brave spirit or some crap like that. Feh. Minus 9 bullets.

LIGHTNING/THUNDER

Somebody please explain to me why this wasn't included in the show. They had heart, but no lightning? There's just as much electricity on earth as there is fire, at the very least. Hell, it occurs more naturally than fire, even -- it comes out of the damned sky. Here's my theory: Lightning was just way too cool for them to use it on the show. The kid who would have used lightning would have had to have been some kickass Icelandic dude with long, Thor-like hair and a name like Guomundr. He would have had to have had a mighty guitar he called "Mjolnir" and he probably would have ignored all the other Planeteers as he rocked out on it because he was so much cooler than they were. Odds are he wouldn't have even bothered combining powers to create Captain Planet, and if he did, he would have just kicked his ass. God, I love Guomundr. Plus 13 bullets.

I would take some extra time to go over the five elements that a group of kids sometimes mix together to create me (apathy, disgusted anger, snark, ego and smugness), but I don't care, am kind of mad about it and am above it.

Share or be shared: