Last week, we listed 7 supervillains who could genuinely scare somebody's socks off.

But, of course, for every seriously frightening supervillain, there's one or more that probably wouldn't make a fetus (not even an infant, a fetus) even mildly uncomfortable. Here's 7 that are pretty much as un-scary as you can get.

Morbius

Who is he?: Michael Morbius was a Greek (what kind of Greek name is Morbius?), Nobel-winning biochemist who suddenly started hungering for blood after a test involving vampire bats and electroshock therapy went crazy-go-nuts. He's not technically a vampire, since he was created by science and not the devil or whatever, though he has pretty much the same characteristics as any other vampire (thanks a lot, Comics Code, for making creators come up with dumb explanations like this). As a side note, don't ask me what kind of legitimate scientific test would involve vampire bats and electroshock therapy. Maybe they were treating their wives badly?

Why he's not scary: We mentioned Morbius in our list of 7 not-so-scary comics monsters, and our reasoning there bears repeating: Nobody who doesn't want to do the evil things they're doing is scary. Like, imagine this guy, who hates hungering for blood, sucking up all yours, but crying about it while he's doing it, like, "Oh I can't stop the hunger, it's such a curse." It doesn't make you want to pee your pants as much as it just makes you want to kick him in the junk.

Mortimer Kadaver

Who is he?: Obsessed with torture and death, Kadaver keeps a whole bunch of torture devices in his basement (an Iron Maiden, a pool of quicklime, a guillotine, all the basics). He kills people, but also enjoys faking his own death in ways like dressing up as a vampire and laying in a coffin.

Why he's not scary: First of all, the name. Mortimer Kadaver? It sounds like the name one of one of Duck Twacy's villains, not Batman's. On top of that, there's the whole faking his death thing. So, he's basically Harold from "Harold and Maude?" I mean, I enjoy Bud Cort's performance as much as the next guy, but, well, it's just not that scary.

Baron Blood

Who is he?: John Falsworth thought vampires were real and as a result decided to head on over to Transylvania and see what they were all about. But whoops! Dracula up and made the guy a vampire, and made him wreak havoc on England by fighting against them in both World Wars. He has died four times. Four! And one of those times, Captain America beheaded him with his shield. It takes effort to get Cap that pissed.

Why he's not scary: Well, we hate to say it, but... Look at him! He's got those huge ears and that aqua and lavender costume. It's almost as if Dracula made him a vampire just so he could put him in a ridiculous costume and laugh at him. And the really sad thing is he really thinks he's terrifying. Look at his face. He's probably thinking he's really making Union Jack quake in his boots. Poor Baron Blood. He inspires pity more than fear, honestly.

The Grim Reaper

Who is he?: Eric Williams, brother of Simon Williams, a.k.a. the superhero Wonder Man, became supremely jealous of his brother because Simon got all of his mother's attention. Eric later burned down the family house. He took up professional super-crime after Simon, desperate for money after ruining the family business, died saving the Avengers. He just arbitrarily picked the name "The Grim Reaper" because he could get a scythe.

Why he's not scary: Seriously, how are you going to call yourself The Grim Reaper just because you have a scythe? Sure, the guy later gained the ability to create zombies and summon demons, but those powers were simply afterthoughts and, well, they didn't make him any more effective, really. Ultimately, he's just a jealous little brother who didn't get enough attention from mommy. Annoying, but not scary.

Jack O'Lantern

Who is he?: There were about 10 Jack O'Lanterns, but the basic story is pretty much the same. He or she is a mercenary who takes up super-crime. Because he or she totally lacks creativity, they steal their mode of transportation and weaponry from the Green Goblin, but wear pumpkins on their heads instead of purple hoods (and later ones just steal their ideas from previous Jack O'Lanterns). Some have obtained supernatural powers by being very stupid.

Why he's not scary: Well, for one thing, he looks like something that sits on your Aunt Linda's stoop. Have you ever been scared of your aunt's stoop? I mean, aside from when you have to go there to hang out with your idiot cousin who listens to nothing but Rush? I think not. Plus, he's a ripoff of a ripoff: Not even the Hobgoblin thinks he's cool.

Purgatori

Who is she?: Originally an ancient Egyptian woman named Sakkara, Purgatori became a vampire demon goddess fallen-angel thing through a very convoluted series of events involving a Celtic vampire, lesbianism and Lucifer.

Why she's not scary: I think the word here is "overkill." Demons? Fine. Vampires? Okay. Fallen angels? Sure. But...all together? It's more confusing than scary. Imagine, some evil thing coming in through your window and announcing itself, "I am Purgatori! Drinker of blood who was cast out of hell by the devil, but who also messed with the Egyptian gods and a Celtic vampire!" You might be scared for a second, before you go, "Wait, what?" And her name is very stupid. Purga-Tori sounds like the name of a host of a late-night cable access horror movie show, frankly.

Carnage

Who is he?: Cletus Kasady was a sociopathic serial killer who became...more sociopathic? when a symbiotic spawn of Venom attached to his body in prison. Now he kills people even harder! That is, until the Sentry tore him to pieces.

Why he's not scary: Listen, the only scary thing about Carnage is just how much he represents what comic book writers and artists thought was k-e-w-l cool in the 1990s. According to his Wikipedia page, writer David Micheline wanted Carnage to be a darker version of Venom, Venom being a crazed monster who ate people. So obviously Carnage had to be somebody that wasn't so much scary as someone who says things teens angry at their dads often say, like, "Life is meaningless!" Yeah, we know it's hard, little Cletus.

KingOblivionPhD@the-iss.com