With Election Day only a few short days away (or, if you're reading this after November 4, about four years away), we thought it best to provide you, the ISS reader, with a handy guide to just how to get through such an all-around stressful occasion.

This is especially true if you're John McCain or Barack Obama, who we hope to hell are reading this.

Waking up
It's imperative that you do this. If you don't wake up on Election Day, see a doctor immediately.

The workday
Odds are your workplace will be more high-stress than usual on Election Day, partially because your co-workers will have to stand in line to vote, partially because they're worried their candidate might lose and partially because they placed a bet on the election right after the Republican National Convention and their bookie won't let them change it.

But don't let their stress get to you. Be highly assertive to cut through the tense environment. Dump out the coffee in the break room. Shove through groups of people who are standing in your way. Loudly scream "Shut up!" anytime a co-worker or your boss tries to speak to you. Bring a number of bells with you so that any time someone says the word "election," you can begin ringing them as if that's the secret word of the day or something.

Only then will you have a relaxing workday and be prepared to calmly head to the polls.

Driving
As you drive to and from work, be sure to stick your head out the window the whole way and yell the name of the candidate(s) you plan to vote for. You'll be providing a great service to undecided voters who are looking for some expertise from someone who has his or her head out of a window while driving.

The voting line
While in line to vote, try to keep these tips in mind:

• Wearing a mask and a cape to the polling place will not get you through any faster
• Present your voter registration card to the poll worker with as few penises drawn on it as possible
• If the person in front of you in line says he's voting for Bob Barr, don't laugh, because that's Bob Barr
• While they look and taste delicious, eating your ballot will only make the process that much longer
• Political clothing isn't allowed inside the voting booth, so leave your "I (heart) Gary Hart" t-shirt at home

Voting
Don't overthink it. If you suddenly get very nervous while in the voting booth, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you're not a citizen, anyway, you were illegally registered by ACORN, and your name is Mickey Mouse.

If you see a race on the ballot that you're unfamiliar with, simply mark your ballot or pull your lever at random. If you don't know about it, it must not matter, right? What the fuck is a U.S. senator, anyway? Or, you could mark all the candidates' names, because, really, that's the only fair way to do it.

Eating
Eat only things the candidate you're voting for would eat. So, in the case of a vote for Obama, eat arugula and Kobe beef; if you're voting for McCain, eat undercooked rice and your own teeth.

Getting the results
No matter who wins, you're probably going to want to be drunk. So take a drink any time any of the following things happens while you're watching famous TV personalities trying and failing to look like they know what's going on:

• A network calls a state for one candidate, and then promptly takes it back because they're fucking teases
• Anchors mull over exit poll data like it's the Dead Sea scrolls, then discuss how unreliable exit poll data is
• A tie is loosened
• Someone mentions the long night ahead, as if it could be anything else
• A network calls a state for a candidate even though no voting figures at all have come in
• They don't call a state even though more than 90 percent of the voting totals have come in
• A folksy, not entirely accurate analogy is used for one candidate's momentum or lack thereof
• Hair is mussed
• The term "bellwether" is used
• A pundit directly contradicts everything the previous pundit just said

With these things in mind, your Election Day should go fairly well. The next four years, well, good luck with that one.

KingOblivionPhD@the-iss.com