As the year presses on to a close, Hollywood's really churning out the awards bait. From World War II to high inspirational drama to animated fare, studios are clamoring for those little bald, gold men.

But don't worry, the movies are all still terrible and deserve ridicule. So here's some.

November 28

What it's about:
Frank Martin (Jason Statham) returns to...transport...something. As in the other two, the something appears to be a person. Plus, the person requesting the delivery of the package is some douchebag who speaks very raspily. But, what's this? In a twist taken straight out of another Jason Statham movie, "Crank" (and "Speed," among others), Frank can't go more than 75 feet away from his car without blowing up.

What to expect:
I'm not sure, because the trailer for the first "Transporter" was such a ingratifying cocktease that I can't trust these movies. Let me explain. The trailer for the first "Transporter" clearly showed a scene where Statham deflects a missile with a serving tray. But where was that in the movie? Nowhere! It wasn't in it! And so you can understand why I can barely trust anything Statham-related anymore.

What it's about:
Um...Australia?

What to expect:
From the looks of the trailer, a mix between "Crocodile Dundee 2," "Medicine Man" and "Pearl Harbor" (I'm even pretty sure I saw Ben Affleck near the end there). Which means this movie will be alternately stupid-funny, so bad it's great, and flat-out terrible. And I don't mean to rag on Hugh Jackman or anything, but is there a reason why his Australian accent sounds so fake? I mean, if it were Kevin Costner or Keanu Reeves, I would just expect mangled accents, but Hugh Jackman is from Australia and does great American accents, so that's confusing.

Anyway, I expect this movie to be about four hours long and feel like it's about eight years.

What it's about:
A married couple (Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon) who magically seem to have never met each others' families, not even at their own wedding, attempt to avoid them every Christmas. But this year, a series of contrivances forces them to visit their hated loved ones.

What to expect:
Vince and Reese are going to find out embarrassing things about each other! Ohhh boy! Like, that Vince is named after the city he was conceived in (as revealed by Robert Duvall, who has apparently lost all his faculties due to age, and Jon Favreau, who really had too much goodwill from directing "Iron Man," anyway). And Reese used to be fat! These are things married people would never know about each other! Oh heavens! Another theme of the movie appears to be Reese Witherspoon being attacked by children, which I can kinda understand, actually.

What it's about:
In this biopic, Harvey Milk (Sean Penn) fights to become San Francisco's first openly gay city supervisor. At the beginning of the trailer, he says he's 40 years old and has done nothing with his life, so I expect the campaign to be about how he has no experience and may be an Islamic terrorist.

What to expect:
Some patented Sean Penn-style overacting. No, really, he may have even outdone himself on this one. Remember "I Am Sam?" Where he played the retarded guy like a parody of a retarded guy? Well, here he seems to play the relatively low-key Milk as the most flamboyantly, flamingly gay dude that ever gayed a gay. Also, expect some irate parents who went into this expecting to see a documentary on dairy farming.

December 5

What it's about:
Frank Castle, the Vietnam vet who now kills criminals as The Punisher (Ray Stevenson), returns to light flares, shoot gangsters and take himself very seriously.

What to expect:
Stevenson, who starred as badass Titus Pullo on the HBO series "Rome" brings a taller, bigger aspect to the role of Frank Castle than did the actor from the previous film, Thomas Jane, or Mr. Lady-Last-Name. Even so, this movie, like the last one, seems to miss out on both of the best takes on the character (each developed by writer Garth Ennis). Really, he should be a lone vigilante mixed up in a world of larger-than-life characters or he should be a tormented, but ultimately moral soul stuck in a ruined society. Here, he just seems to be a guy who growls a lot.

What it's about:
Leonard Chess (Adrien Brody) starts up a recording company in Chicago where legendary musicians like Etta James and Chuck Berry are played by lesser musicians (Beyonce and Mos Def, respectively).

What to expect:
People standing in front of microphones! No shit, if you go to see one movie in which people stand in front of microphones this year, make it this one. But if that's not your thing, don't worry. They also talk about how songs are going to be hits, play harmonicas in studios and crash their cars into things. It's everything you want in a movie!

December 12

What it's about:
A glassy-eyed woman (Jennifer Connelly) witnesses a large-scale alien invasion while an alien who speaks in nothing but cryptic one-liners (Keanu Reeves, looking more natural than ever) confuses everyone.

What to expect:
I could be wrong, but the trailer makes in look like a leaden, slow, full-of-itself version of "Independence Day" with virtually no action. Look, the original "Day the Earth Stood Still" is great, but it had its share of campy fun. This, however, like every other recent Jennifer Connelly and Keanu Reeves movie, just looks dour and depressing. Who knew I'd be aching to see spangly spacesuits and/or Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum as a preferable alternative to a Jennifer Connelly movie? Sometimes, the world just don't make sense.

What it's about:
Don't be surprised when at the end it turns out to have been a full-length commercial imploring you to turn off your cell phone.

What to expect:
The most un-exciting cast for a computer-animated feature ever. Including all the "Shrek" movies! No, really, Freddie Prinze Jr.? Chris Kattan? Val Kilmer? Kelly Ripa? It's like someone just pulled names out of a hat. In 2001. Add that to graphics that look like they came out of an Xbox 360 launch title and you've got a contender for worst animated movie of the decade. You've got a competitor, "Barnyard!"

December 19

What it's about:
A big-eared little mouse (Matthew Broderick) learns the merits of running headlong into everything and not being afraid of things that everyone's afraid of. So just think of it as the equivalent of a story of a little boy who loves fire and drinking bleach. Good luck, parents!

What to expect:
You can expect to fool your kids into thinking the movie, which seems to prominently feature rodents, chefs and kitchens, is "Ratatouille," at least for a few minutes, before they realize that it's an entirely differently, eminently more boring movie, and the screaming begins again.

What it's about:
A guy (Jim Carrey) who always overacts when he says no to everything suddenly becomes a guy who overacts when he says yes to everything after a motivational speaker (Terence Stamp, slumming) convinces him to.

What to expect:
A life-affirming story about how life isn't worth living if you don't play guitar for a suicidal guy on a ledge, kiss women you don't know, full-body skate, learn how to fly airplanes because apparently everyone can afford to do that and drink Red Bull. Don't forget that last one! Drink Red Bull. Let me repeat that one more time, just in case you missed it: Red. Bull. Energy. Drink. You know, I don't think there's any more appropriate message in these tough economic times than to tell your audience to consume overpriced energy drinks and partake in expensive leisure-time activities. You know what else is a great sign? When you have to fill 20 seconds of your two-minute trailer with baby footage. Speaks well for your full-length feature film!

What it's about:
A magical black man (Will Smith) gives seven people some of his stuff because he apparently messed something up. And then he gets mad! And runs in the rain! And Rosario Dawson hits on him! And he and Barry Pepper yell at each other! So, frankly, I have no idea what the movie's about, but, trust me, it will be very inspirational.

What to expect:
Quiet dignity. And by that, of course, I mean, lingering shots of a contemplative Will Smith looking off into the distance that might as well have "DIGNITY" in huge letters scrawled across the movie screen.

Also, maybe some explanation of that title, which for me does nothing but give me flashbacks to the gluttony guy from "Seven."

What it's about:
An old, pissed off war veteran (Clint Eastwood) is old. And pissed. And so he takes it out on whoever's closest by, and that just happens to be the gang that's terrorizing his Asian neighbors, some black dudes, a helpful young priest and his son.

What to expect:
It's basically "Dirty Harry in Retirement." In other words, pure distilled awesome. And the really cool thing is that Eastwood doesn't even need an actual gun to be threatening. He just has to pull out his finger and point it at you. And on top of that, Eastwood even manages to make the most played-out of played-out internet cliches about old people, "Get off my lawn," not sound totally stupid. Who knew being old as dirt would actually make that guy more intimidating? Kudos, Clint.

Christmas Day

What it's about:
Frank Miller continues his descent into unyielding madness as he directs this movie that misses out on just about every aspect of Will Eisner's fun, lighthearted "The Spirit" comics.

What to expect:
"Sin City 1.5."

Seriously, I have no idea how Miller can think this in any way represents Eisner's idea of what "The Spirit" should be. As we noted in our second bunch of single-sentence comics synopses, "The Spirit" is about hilarious racism, but it also has a lot to do with bringing a goofy, adventurous tone to a relatively dark character, a detective who had been presumed dead. If nothing else, everything the comic was not is encapsulated in the movie's tagline: "My city screams."

What it's about:
After their mom (Courtney Cox) gets laid off, a pair of obnoxious little boys end up putting their Uncle Skeeter (Adam Sandler) into a number of hilariously life-threatening situations once the bedtime stories they help tell come true.

What to expect:
When you think of Adam Sandler and heartwarming family films, it's a formula for success, isn't it? Don't we all remember the beauty and wonder of "Eight Crazy Nights?" What about "Click?" Or "Spanglish?" All wonderful films. Plus, this movie has the added bonus of sharing a title with a Filipino movie about necrophilia. So when Mom and Dad accidentally get the wrong movie on Netflix, the family can have an edifying conversation.

What it's about:
A puppy! Awwwwww. Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson, too, but mainly the puppy.

What to expect:
Based on the trailer alone, my prediction is that this film will be a full 90 minutes of Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston chasing a cute puppy along a beach. And frankly, that would be much better than any other family friendly movie featuring those two actors and a puppy that Hollywood could churn out, so let's keep our fingers crossed.

What it's about:
Benjamin Button (Brad Pitt) mysteriously ages backward, so that he's an old man when he's really a small child and he's a baby when he's about to die. Even so, he tries to make a go of it with a girl he meets in his childhood (Cate Blanchett), and you know, it's probably fine when they're both about the same age in the middle, but when he's old and she's young, and she's old and he's young, they probably just spend a lot of time in jail.

What to expect:
Probably a thoughtful study of mortality and how time and life are fleeting and all that, though I'd much prefer a hilarious comedy where an 11-year-old boy does all the things Clint Eastwood was doing in the "Gran Torino" trailer.

What it's about:
An eyepatchioed Nazi military officer (Tom Cruise) devises an elaborate plan to assassinate Hitler as World War II rages on. However will it end!??!?!?!?!?!

What to expect:
Lots of Nazis speaking with British accents (everyone but Tom Cruise, that is). Is there some reason why it's so verboten for Nazis in World War II movies to speak with, you know, German accents? Is it because of Monty Python? Have they forever made the German accent, especially when coming out of the mouths of Brownshirts, too silly for serious historical fiction? Honestly, I think that may be the reason. Because I'm thinking about Tom Cruise talking in a fake German accent right now, and I am busting a gut, folks.

treachery@the-iss.com