Supervillains need space; whether it's a sanctuary to lick our wounds, a refuge from the law, or just a place to watch "Heroes" in peace (it's called knowing your enemy).

However, the traditional choices are often notoriously crappy, as anyone who's been living somewhere other than under a rock (another bad location, by the way) can see. For those of you not as advanced in the ways of evil as we in the ISS, or who are perhaps caught up in worthless nostalgia, let me explain why five traditional secret lairs can easily become the place of your ultimate humiliation and/or doom.

A Volcano

The volcano might seem to serve as an impressive monolith of diabolical strength. Plus, it’s been in the movies, so, you know, it's glamorous.

Whoa, fancy pants! That sort of misguided thinking will put your jaw in the path of a gloved fist every time.

Whether active or not, (and honestly, it’s that smoking crater I know you want), volcanoes are simply a bad cliché. They're also hot and stink like hell (literally). Plus, there are few things gung-ho superheroes like more than flying directly down on you, which is made quite easy by the large natural skylight overhead.

Also, if your particular huge, conspicuous smoking mountain gives you the added bonus of losing untold personnel to toxic fumes and the constant threat of your entire HQ being destroyed in a shower of liquid nickel and iron due to a random shrug of the Earth's metaphorical shoulder, or by some smart-ass superhero who can control the elements.

Underwater

Despite what animated singing crabs tell you, the ocean floor is not a colorful playground with all manner of fish-tailed girls yearning to find true love. Were that the case, I would be recommending this location, if only for how easy and necessary the oppression and subjugation of these creatures would be.

The sad truth is, the immense pressures from the water are a constant danger. If the inconceivable happens, like, say, an attack by superheroes (somehow?), the heroes would have a distinct advantage, as even a B-grade foe can punch through your walls when he's got all the oceans backing him up. Plus, one little crack in the wall, and your shit is all wet. Totally. Far worse than the loss of your headquarters, though, is the boost to the hero's self confidence.

Also, the engineering necessary to maintain this damp loveshack would require employees far more talented than the average henchman. Even the prevention of leaks might be too much for the scholars we are often forced to employ. And once there's a leak, it's just a matter of time before your terrestrially adapted ass is delivered directly to Poseidon's watery fist.

A Remote or Harsh Environment

I'm talking about your basic wasteland, inaccessible mountain range, or sun-baked nowhere underneath the power lines. Pretty much anywhere that normal humans can't or won't live, or that's extremely difficult to get to. In short, the low rent district. You would expect this to discourage attack, but remember that several of your own nemeses likely:

• can fly
• can easily survive extreme cold, heat or wind
• aren't shy about chasing you on your 17 hour long flight home
• can fly

Also, you would need to deal with the logistics of mounting meticulously planned strikes against civilization from a place unserviced by basic cable. And how convenient is it to flee to your hideout from a heist if it takes hours via helicopter? Any cash you've saved on buying undeveloped property (or that you’ve just stolen) will be readily taken up by transportation costs for even the most basic of items like food, water, and porn (spotty internet in the wastes). And what about recovering damaged equipment? Who wants to lug a broken nuclear reactor through avalanche country?

So going for a remote and dangerous environment is mostly a good way to make FedEx richer, be uncomfortably cold/hot/lonely, and you can't get Chinese delivered in the Sahara.

Underground

Despite how much you may like quoting from Austin Powers (and if you do, we can gladly show you the exit, thanks), packing up and going subterranean is another poor choice. I know what you’re thinking: Lex Luthor, circa 1978. Think again.

A major concern for those of us with paranoia (that is, the ones who see the truth), is the unknown tons of asphalt, concrete, office buildings, vehicles and puppies looming over your head like the asphalt, concrete, office buildings, vehicles and puppies of Damocles. Underground hideouts have similar conditions as underwater ones, except that it's impossible to swim away when a highway comes through your ceiling and severely intrudes on your living space.

Speaking of that living space, be prepared to share it with miles and miles of wiring and sewer lines. You are officially one small carpentry mistake away from the warm, cozy potpourri of electrically grilled excrement…in every possible living area, thanks to your recycled air system. I'd forget about putting in that breakfast nook.

Space

Ah, the final frontier, combining quiet isolation with the total lack of local authority. That is, assuming that you don't attract the attention of anybody with a fancy ring that works for blue midgets. (I suggest you decorate in yellow.)

Of all the dangerous environments to build a stronghold with walls that will almost certainly be breached by superhuman fists, none could be more unpleasant than the bracing void of space. And like the underwater lair, it takes a lot less for even a minor hero to ruin your Christmas when the hungry vacuum has their back. While it might be good for keeping Jehovah's Witnesses away, it's not so good when one of your henches forgets to secure...well, any opening at all.

All of us in the world domination business enjoy having a pristine view of our kingdom, but consider: your geostationary orbit (can’t hover menacingly without one) and complete and total lack of any cover makes you a target that fish in a barrel would giggle at. And what happens when some teenager and his dead mentor launch hot death into that poorly designed exhaust port the Feng Shui guy convinced you was essential for "sexual energy", before your planet gun can even boot up? (Damned Vista.) Or maybe the plain old human military will realize just how little collateral damage a tactical nuke does outside the Earth's atmosphere.

As you can see, going the traditional route when deciding where to set up your nefarious den of impenetrable evil can result in you burning like a sacrificed virgin, drowning to calypso rhythms, freezing/sweating/chafing, being buried screaming under puppies, and/or explosive decompression. And they will all result in shameless beatings by people wearing capes. I suggest something more subtle; like a small apartment overlooking the superheroes' headquarters, with a good view of their front door, a windowsill to mount a tripod on, and a working fire escape.

For another rundown of lair pros and cons, click here.

mnkyking@hotmail.com