The NES era of video games was a simpler time.

They were a time when a title card telling you that you did a good job and a "press start" message were enough to give you a real sense of accomplishment (or, in my case, cause to throw the controller across the room because I just wasted six hours of my life just to see this). Either way, video game endings now are different. Morally ambiguous. And often evil.

Given that we're supervillains, we can't help but approve of that new trend. And so, here we try to modernize a few classics for this new, more evil age in gaming.

Super Mario Bros.

How it ended:
Mario Mario defeats Bowser and finally finds Princess Toadstool. They share a tender moment, if ‘tender moment' can be defined as passively thanking Mario and sending him off an a new, more dangerous quest. Press ‘B’ to weep.

How it should have ended:
After searching castle after horror filled castle, Mario finally confronts the dragon king Bowser atop a rickety blood stained bridge. Using all the strength, cunning, and spirit that a portly Italian plumber can muster, Mario eventually triumphs over Bowser by jumping over his head and hacking the bridge apart with an axe. The heroic move exposes Bowser’s one weakness: a searing ocean of lava. The irony of standing on a tiny bridge meant to keep him safe from the lava not lost on the villain and he chuckles while magma fills his massive skull. His resulting death, while gruesome, finally saves the Mushroom Kingdom from evil forever.

Princess Toadstool, grateful for the rescue and impressed by Mario's dashing heroics, offers up her pixilated box to her new paragon. It's fun at first, but soon Princess Toadstool begins secretly hoping that the winged hunk from Kid Icarus will swoop in and save her from the suspenders-wearing fat man grinding on top of her. Mario and Princess Toadstool's relationship is mediocre in the long run and he is never made king, though he does participate in many go-kart races and wins many gold statues cast in his own likeness.

Somewhere, the slightly less attractive princess from Donkey Kong, awaits for Mario to return and rescue her from imprisonment. Tragically, the years slowly roll by and she ages poorly. Oh and she gets raped a lot by gorillas, did I mention that?

Metroid

How it ended:
Samus defeats Mother Brain and narrowly escapes a ticking time bomb set off by the crudely exploding Mother Brain. After saving the universe, she waves to you and flashes some 8-bit boob. This is same way the Bible ends. Sorry to spoil it for you.

How it should have ended:
Samus has entered the compound of the nefarious Mother Brain. Perspiring profusely inside of her golden segmented armor and favoring a sore shoulder from the enormous canon grafted onto her am, the young heroine searches desperately for a soothing reprieve.

Fortunately, perhaps inexplicably, she locates a stunning, slow moving waterfall and soon she removes her clothing to wash her delicate green-haired body and massage her aching muscles. (Women do this all the time, if my extensive Cinemax-based research is any indication.)

Mother Brain, envious of her rival’s beauty but fully believing that the bond between women should transcend physical looks, admits to a surprised Samus that the only thing she wants more than the destruction of Earth, is the love of another man.

"What happened to Father Brain?" Samus inquires. Though the tiny bubbles of shampoo barely concealed her supple skin, the cyborg warrior had never felt as naked as when subtly confronting her own feelings of paternal abandonment.

The two women share a quiet moment. Had they been grade school classmates, they might have spent their days braiding each other's hair and scrawling the names of cute boys onto their notebooks, enjoying life in that carefree way only an innocent child could. Since Samus is a gun toting cyber-marine for the United States of Confederated Planets first, and a caring, nurturing mother of two second, she shoots Mother Brain in her cerebral cortex and inadvertently sets off a time bomb. As she breathes her last brain-breath, Mother Brain sputters, "Why?"

Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

How it ended:
After defeating a varied cast of stereotypes, perennial underdog Little Mac gets a shot at defeating undisputed heavyweight champion Mike Tyson. Though Tyson's punches pack a wallop that could knock down a freight train, Mac uses his speed and skill to knock out the champ and win the title.

How it should have ended:
Little Mac, victorious over Mike Tyson, turns his back on his manager, Doc, and stands over the fallen body of the former champion. He whispers something into Mike's ear, inaudible to the rest of the crowd.

Then, in mere seconds, the arena is overrun with Communist Nazi soldiers, and Mac takes the microphone to reveal that he is, in fact, Mac Hitler, the grandson of Adolf Hitler, and that the contract Tyson signed included a clause that turns over American sovereignty to Soviet Russia and the new Fourth Reich in the event of a loss.

Laughing vigorously as he injects steroids into his tiny frame, Mac leads the soldiers in a CommuNazi dirge.

"No," whispers Doc. "Mac, no. What will I tell the Nintendo Fun Club?"

Donkey Kong

How it ended:
Mario, younger but still exceptionally fat, battles dancing flames and other monsters while a giant gorilla throws barrels down a ramp. After hitting the gorilla with a sledge hammer, an unnamed captured princess is freed from slavery and a massive heart falls from the heavens. It’s a tale as old as time really.

How it should have ended:
Exactly the way it ends in the original game, completely with Mario Mario ditching her in favor of a blonde with great political connections and access to a tennis court. And a soccer stadium. And a baseball field. If there’s an 8-bit game of checkers played without Mario’s likeness on it, Nintendo ain’t having it.

The unnamed princess, alone and captive for decades, is now far too old to fend off the aggressive advances of her gorilla captors. Finally, she lays her tired body down on the fragments of a giant pink heart, and mentally submits herself to a horrible death.

Donkey Kong Sr, the greatest Kong of the all, take s pity on the unnamed princess and gently touches her forehead with a kind hand.

"Awaken my love," Donkey Kong Sr. whispers. "For you have proven yourself worthy to lead our people out of this barrel strewn jungle."

"I don't understand," the unnamed princess responds. With angry eyes she views her ravaged body. Her legs, permanently splayed in a lewd position from the constant trauma of constant gorilla sex, have been rendered useless.

"You mean this was all a test? Some sick test? Look at what you've done to me!"

"Yes princess," Donkey Kong Sr. smiled. "For only a woman of great strength and will can lead a kingdom of warriors such as ours. Now give me your hand and I shall make you my queen."

Wary but trusting what little instincts that remained, the unnamed princess reaches her hand out and places it on top of the gorilla's outstretched palm. Silently, Donkey Kong Sr. slides an exquisite gold ring onto her finger, one infused with a powerful arcane magic that instantly returns the unnamed princess to her former youth and vigor.

"My lord," the unnamed princess whimpers out, touching her firm and unmarked skin with her hands. "How can I ever repay you?"

"Well," the gorilla king said while removing his pants, "we can make us an heir."

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