Ping Pong

Let's get one thing straight before we do anything else: it is not table tennis. There's no such thing. If it was table tennis, then you would have to stand on the table. I've taken a couple of stabs at actual "table tennis" before, and let's just say that the owners of said tables seemed to think I was doing something wrong when the table unceremoniously collapsed. So, obviously, I was forced to smash a paddle over their heads and steal their cars. I mean, I was planning to do that anyway, but I really wanted to avoid the upfront conflict.

Anyway, ping pong. Of all recreational non-sports, this is probably the one I'm best at. Unfortunately, it isn't one that people usually play for money. Instead, it's played simply for the privilege of getting to keep playing. But shouldn't the people who aren't as good be the ones who get to play more, so they can build up their skills? And shouldn't I get to hustle those people for all the cash they have? These are serious issues.

Minus 3 bullets.

Billiards

The opposite of ping pong in terms of its being played for wagering purposes, pool is a hustler's game. (Additionally, unlike ping pong, both names for the game, pool and billiards, are acceptable for use, though billiards is considerably more fun to say.)

I enjoy playing pool just for recreational purposes, but what I really love is the stereotypical, TV-and-movie conception of what the game is. According to just about everything I've ever seen (including that one Fresh Prince episode where Uncle Phil turns out to be a shark), billiards is a game that only takes place in smoky pool halls and that is only played by naive kids or fat, ungainly men who wear suspenders and love cigars. I aspire to be that fat man in suspenders one day. Yeah, I know like, fifty percent of the time, the "naive" kid turns out to be a hustler. But still.

Plus 5 bullets.

Badminton

There are so many things wrong with badminton, I'm not even really sure where to start. I guess we'll start with the name. Badminton. The first syllable is "bad." Not a good sign. Then the rest of the word is "minton," which is so hard to say that it usually comes out "mitten." It ends up sounding like someone admonishing their cat. "Bad Mitten! Bad!"

The rest of the lingo that goes along with the game isn't so great either. Birdie. Shuttlecock. Codwhistle. Okay, I made up that last one, but "shuttlecock" is worth two. Plus, the equipment is terrible. There's a net that's too tall for tennis but too short for volleyball, a plastic "ball" and some flimsy rackets made out of spare wire. With such crappy equipment, it kind of makes you wonder why rich people with names like Buffy and Biff play this dumb game so much. Here's why: Because they know poor people won't.

Minus 7 bullets.

Bowling

The closest of the recreational non-sports to an actual sport, bowling has something of a varied reputation. If television is to be believed, which it often is, bowling is the official sport of the working-class schlub, especially if the schlub is animated like Fred Flinstone or Homer Simpson.

If only that were the case. In recent years, it seems as though bowling has turned into the standard game of children's birthday parties and of upper-class irony. How many times have you seen a middle-aged woman drinking a glass of champagne, lightly dropping a pink ball onto the lane, saying to her monacled husband, "Oh look, Roderick! I'm bowling?" Can you tell I'm bitter about the richies and children taking over things I like? But even as they attack every aspect of genuine bowling, a few bastions of old-style working class bowling remain in the world, and we must protect them with our lives, as if all the Homers and Freds depended on it.

Plus 8 bullets.

Frisbee

There is only one circumstance in which playing with a Frisbee (and it's only a Frisbee if it's WHAM-O brand, otherwise it's a novelty flying disc) is acceptable. And that is when you're throwing it at a dog and he or she is catching it and bringing it back to you. Frisbee golf is semi-acceptable, but it's cutting it close.

Otherwise, anything involving a Frisbee is the douchiest of recreational non-sports. No sir, don't bring your shirtless ultimate Frisbee shit in here, because I will smack it into the dirt and grind it under my heel. Don't do that garbage where you throw the Frisbee off the end of your pointer finger, either, cowboy, like you're king of the castle or some shit like that. All that proves is that you're a cocksucker who spent valuable hours of life learning a skill nobody cares about, and that you will one day be in charge of a much-less-profitable version of your dad's heating and air conditioning business. And put a goddamn shirt on!

Minus 10 bullets.

Hacky Sack

Sure, it's the recreational non-sport of obnoxious, giggly stoners (and in the minutes of research that led to my finding the images for this piece, I couldn't find one bikini girl who was playing it), but hacky sack (also a brand name, but I don't really care) does have a few things going for it: First, it could actually help develop skills for an actual sport (soccer). Second, it's reasonably harmless, and people generally wear shirts while playing it.

But the most important thing hacky sack has going for it is that it was the only minigame worth a good goddamn in "California Games" for the NES (though there it is called "footbag"). Seriously, no matter what those GameTrailers guys say, the BMX and the skateboarding in that game were shit.

Plus 2 bullets.

Darts

The old saying about darts is that people are usually better at it after a few drinks. Specifically, there's a certain range of drinks (2-5, I think) in which one is good at darts. In any other state, a person is middling to awful.

I'd totally believe that if it weren't for the fact that I've actually seen professional darts on TV. Yeah, I didn't know there were professionals either. Anyway, it brings up a serious question: Do the pros have to drink 2-5 drinks before they play? Because if they do, then they have what is possibly the most enviable job on the entirety of earth. You have some drinks and throw sharp things at a target. If they don't get to drink, then not only have my hopes been dashed, nearly everything I believe has been destroyed. How could you do this to me, professional darts players? How?

0 bullets.

Horseshoes

Here's a question: who just has horseshoes lying around other than, you know, horse trainers or like, Pony Express delivery guys?

I know at one time just about everyone had horses, but we've kind of gotten past that in the last century or so. As a result, I propose a new game: Tires. Instead of the metal shoes we put on our old mode of equine transportation, why not throw some automotive rubber at a stake in our yards? It makes more sense, if you ask me. Well, except for the whole tires being ungainly large and it being pretty impossible to miss if you throw it anywhere within the vicinity of the stake. Maybe hubcaps would be better. Shooting at hubcaps. That would be cool.

Minus 6 bullets.

During the course of my writing this, I had to determine whether card games should be included within recreational non-sports. This is what my life has become.