Today, the United States elects a new president (UPDATE: It's the Muslim socialist terrorist symphathizer). Odds are, he'll fuck up some stuff.

But not if he very closely follows these carefully crafted hints, which are not at all designed to weaken the state of the nation so that we, who we remind you, are supervillains, can easily kick a few guys in the junk and take control.

Diversify the cabinet

Presidential candidates love to talk about how they're going to put people from the opposing party in their cabinet, but rarely do it. You know who else never seems to end up in major cabinet positions? Supervillains. (With the exception of Donald Rumsfeld.)

And we think that's a real shame. Think about it: Who better to understand the plans of a mad scientist who threatens to freeze New York City than someone who's done it before? Also, we can pretty much guess what's going to happen if some b-lister calls you up threatening to do something "drastic" at midnight tonight. It's the water supply. It's always the water supply.

Plus, a supervillain Secretary of Education could make some real, needed changes in how our kids are indoctrinated. I mean, taught.

Watch your wording

Let's face it, guy: Your policy ideas really don't matter. It's how you say what you're going to do that people really care about.

Take the economic rescue plan, for instance. Congress screwed up, called it a bailout, and everyone hated it. If they had called it a "concentrated economic health boost," everyone would have loved it.

Or say you want to increase taxes. You wouldn't say anything so crass as that you're going to raise taxes or "spread the wealth around." It's a "needed revenue injection for the benefit of the American people."

Or, let's say, we were going to brainwash everyone to follow our ironclad will. Well, of course you don't say that. It's called "national patriotism education."

Simple.

Don't cater to the special interests

Be it insurance companies, big oil or, worst of all, superheroes, don't let the big-name lobbyists guide your plans for the country. You'll look better for it, and can avoid being photographed with garishly dressed, mouth-breathing cape wearers.

Develop a tough, but fair foreign policy

For much of American history, we have wondered how to best deal with our enemies abroad and/or situations that may require intervention from a sort of world policeman. Is it better to stay isolated or must we step in in all situations that warrant it? The recent war on terror has stepped up these concerns.

We propose a middle ground: The widespread use of satellite death rays.

Follow us, here. With death rays, we can stay on American soil, keep troops at home and still mount a strong defense against any threat. Also, we can build them with such pinpoint accuracy as to take out any dictator with collateral damage only amounting to a few hundred thousand.

We really wonder why no one has thought of it before.

Be a funky president

This doesn't really have anything to do with us, but we felt like we needed to tell you on behalf of James Brown, Esq.

Bend your will to us and abide our every command

Now that we've hypnotized you with funk, you will obey.

treachery@the-iss.com