Tom Cruise

Qualifications: Scientology, friends. He's in big with them. He's an Operating Thetan level VII, which means he's probably in direct contact with Overlord Xenu himself. And yes, the story goes that Scientologists hate Xenu and stuff, because he trapped the thetans in meat bodies. But if we can use Cruise to get to him, even under the pretense of an attack, we'll take it, just to get Xenu on the team.

Liabilities: He believes in some crazy shit, like the existence of Overlord Xenu. Also, have you seen the trailer for his movie about the nice Nazi who wants to kill Hitler? What's that about?

Bottom line: Tom Cruise is crazy, y'all. But he may be able to get us in touch with an evil galactic overlord. And even if he can't, hey, we'll take the chance to crib some notes from the people in charge of the church of Scientology.

Katy Perry

Qualifications: Clearly, she is a master of hypnotism, because earlier this year she managed to convince America to make a badly sung, trite song that sounded like an old Goldfrapp tune (maybe NSFW) and had the same title as a Jill Sobule song from 1995 the number one song in the country. Also, she already dresses the part.

Liabilities: Having to listen to her.

Bottom line: Obnoxious? Certainly. But we'll deal with it for the collective consciousness of the masses.

Stephen Colbert

Qualifications: Well, for one, he owns Captain America's shield, and we'd really like to get our hands on that puppy. Also, he has the power to name and define all of the major threats facing America and the world. If we get him, then we can finally overtake bears and zombies as the biggest threats around (we've been gunning for bears for years). Also, he's already appeared in comics (see picture to the right)! He lost Marvel's presidential election, which means he's got an axe to grind, too.

Liabilities: He talks about O'Reilly all the time. Give Papa Bear a rest, buddy.

Bottom line: We must have him, and his Threat Down.

Tina Fey

Qualifications: She has nothing less than the ability to shape a person's entire public persona. That's power, folks. Also, you can't help but love her, which may help us in the public-relations department.

Liabilities: She may be too adorable for villainy. Maybe. Also, she's on a show with our sworn enemy, Alec Baldwin. He knows what he did.

Bottom line: She brought down vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin single-handed! (Okay, Sarah Palin helped, too, but still.)

Zac Efron

Qualifications: He commands a massive army of tween and teenage girls, all of whom follow his every move. If we could get our hands on him, then we would be in control of a wave of text messages, tweets and incoherent conversations unlike the world has ever seen. Imagine it: Millions of evil denizens with "High School Musical" backpacks and hot pink cell phones. It would be a thing of beauty.

Liabilities: The singing. And the dancing. Dear Christ, the dancing.

Bottom line: Once we obtain the loyalty of his followers, he is no longer necessary. We'll get rid of him, and just get Chameleo to wear his face or something. That should work.

Sarah Silverman

Qualifications: Anyone who's ever read a profile of Sarah Silverman in just about any magazine will remember reading the part where the writer states, as if it's never been said before, that she can get away with saying things most comedians can't because she's a pretty, mousy-voiced woman. And yeah, it's been said a billion times, but it's true (definitely NSFW). Which makes us think that she might be able to do anything and get away with it, too. Like, I dunno, sink Japan.

Liabilities: She'd probably spend a lot of time going on and on about how marrying her dog is hilarious.

Bottom line: We'll take some crappy jokes if it means we'll be insulated from all world law-enforcement agencies and military organizations.

Morgan Freeman

Qualifications: The amazing power of narration. Whatever Morgan Freeman says, it happens. So we'd really like to arrange it so that wherever we go, he's just above us in a helicopter with a bullhorn, saying that we just escaped or stole all the money or vaporized The Flash.

Liabilities: Could you believe this guy as a villain? No, you could not. You saw "Wanted," right? See what I mean?

Bottom line: We don't need him to be evil, we just need him to say evil things, so that they'll come true.

Amy Winehouse

Qualifications: Even more than Katy Perry, she looks the part. She's even been nominated as a villain. And she has a proven record of defending criminals. Also evidenced in that link: She's a fighter. She likewise has an amazing ability to make people pay attention to her, and we could always use a higher profile.

Liabilities: We'll tell her she should blow up the moon, and she'll say no, no, no.

Bottom line: We don't really know of anything evil she can do, other than take a bunch of drugs, but we could use anybody who gets into bloody fights with people they're supposed to love.

Will Smith

Qualifications: None, really (except for perhaps an intricate knowledge of how much parents don't understand). No, recruiting Will Smith would be a symbol, that even the nicest guy in Hollywood, the perennial hero, can be corrupted. I mean, even when the guy plays a jerk, he still ends up a hero. We need to fix that.

Liabilities: The theme to "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" and the song "Summertime" are impossible to get out of your head. And if Smith was around, they'd be there all the time.

Bottom line: If we are to prove that all that is good can be made evil, we need Will Smith.

Oprah

Qualifications: She is Oprah.

Liabilities: She is Oprah.

Bottom line: She is Oprah.

treachery@the-iss.com