9 Characters That Should Have Been in 'Mortal Kombat Vs. DC Universe'

by Doktor Maxwell von Puppykicker the Third

In a move that is surprisingly not a joke, Midway games recently released "Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe," a video game pitting the company’s arcade game fighters up against Warner Bros.’s most iconic superheroes.

However, in a move disappointing everyone on the planet who isn’t Joe Lieberman, the game’s trademark violence and gore was removed in favor of a “T” rating (thereby preventing us supervillains from fulfilling our lifelong ambition to rip out Batman’s spine. However, you can apparently do a fatality on Superman because he's been weakened by magic).

Of course, if either party had any sense, they would have picked some of DC’s darker and more obscure characters, keeping with the tone of previous MK games. Vertigo, people. Here’s what the roster and fatalities would have looked like if Midway had any, well, guts.

animalman.jpgAnimal Man

Who is he?: Buddy Baker acquired the ability to borrow powers from animals after absorbing some of the impact of an exploding alien spaceship. How did that give him his powers? Aliens is how.

Fatality: Becomes aware of his own fictional nature, convinces game programmer to delete his opponents.

Alternate Fatality: Convinces friends at PETA to pipe bomb his adversaries, claiming that their fights against Reptile constitute “animal cruelty.”

spiderjerusalem.jpgSpider Jerusalem from "Transmetropolitan"

Who is he?
: He's Hunter S. Thompson, but in the future.

Fatality: Spends several months harassing enemies with futuristic technology, then writes an expose so hard-hitting that it drives his opponents to suicide.

Alternate Fatality: Bowel disruptor. Highest setting.

jessecuster.jpgJesse Custer from "Preacher"

Who is he?: Formerly a small-town pastor in Texas, Custer is possessed by a spirit called Genesis, the offspring of a demon and an angel, bestowing upon him the power to make anyone do anything he says. So basically he's like most preachers on TV.

Fatality: Uses the Voice of God to make his opponents, quite literally, “Go fuck themselves.”

Alternate Fatality: Loses fight, but survives anyway because of a Deus Ex Machina out of fucking nowhere.

v.jpgV from "V for Vendetta"

Who is he?: A nameless domestic terrorist who aims to destroy the tyrannical government by blowing up important buildings and spreading anarchy. (Rumor has it he was friends with Barack Obama.)

Fatality: Straps foe to exploding train, giving him a “Viking funeral.”

Alternate Fatality: Abducts and tortures enemies in order to teach them about the evils of abducting and torturing their enemies.

agentgraves.jpgAgent Graves from "100 Bullets"

Who is he?: He's the head of The Minutemen, a group entrusted with protecting The Trust, a group of crime families who have essentially run the world for centuries. But all you need to know is that he is a professional badass motherfucker.

Fatality: Shoots opponent 100 times.

Alternate Fatality: Gives opponents a gun and 100 untraceable bullets with which to shoot themselves 100 times.

yorick.jpgYorick from "Y: The Last Man"

Who is he?: Yorick Brown is the last surviving man after a mysterious plague wipes out all other men on earth. Upon discovering this news, he spends five years searching for his girlfriend and putting himself in danger instead of repopulating the planet.

Fatality: Rattles off so many jokey pop culture references that the other combatants are driven to suicide.

Alternate Fatality: Falls in love with opponent, which pretty much guarantees that they’re going to die sometime soon.

comedian.jpgThe Comedian from "Watchmen"

Who is he?: Edward Blake used his esteemed position as a superhero to assassinate John F. Kennedy, as well as Woodward and Bernstein. He also tried to rape one of his teammates. Yay, superheroes!

Fatality: Rapes, impregnates, and shoots adversary.

Alternate Fatality: He does it again, but this time he feels a little bad about it.

robotman.jpgRobotman from "Doom Patrol"

Who is he?: Cliff Steele was made into a cyborg after sustaining serious injuries in a car accident. Get it? Steel? GET IT?????

Fatality: Transports opponent to another planet on a sentient transvestite street, in a metaphor for how society marginalizes and stifles creativity.

Alternate Fatality: Punches foe in the face. Like, really hard.

swampthing.jpgSwamp Thing

Who is he?: There's a whole big back story here, but for our purposes here, we can basically just say he is a dude made of plants.

Fatality: Plants rose bushes in his enemy’s stomach.

Alternate Fatality: Force feeds opponents hallucinogenic sex herbs. This kills them somehow.

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Comments

don't forget about wildstorm.

You know, Midnighter and Apollo would have been pretty awesome additions to the game.

His name is JESSE CUSTER, not JESSIE...

John Constantine, Hellblazer

Fatalaty: Kicks 'em in the crotch and they fall backwards into the mouth of a demon.

Alternate Fatality: Carves sigils into their faces, which cause them to explode. (or something)

RE: The Gloater

Fixed.

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