
Subject's Name
Purple Man, a.k.a. Zebediah Killgrave
Subject's Powers
The ability to control people with verbal suggestion. Supposedly, this is due to pheromones (so he doesn't have to hit up your cell to make you do stuff). Also, being purple.
Why this power seems good
If you couldn't tell, the ability to control people's actions by simply telling them to do the things you want them to do is an excellent way to get people to do the things you want them to do.
Commands such as "Henchmen, get to work," "Pay me $850 billion and I will not destroy Earth," and "These aren't the droids you're looking for," will work every time.
These statements assume that you have a fortress (with henchmen garrison), Doomsday Orbital Oppression Missiles, and some droids people want. You may have these if you are Doctor Doom. If you aren't Doctor Doom, simply tell him to sign ownership of his Latverian Castle and advanced villain technology over to you. He will comply.
If your ambitions do not entail the overthrow of an egomaniacal armor-clad tyrant, you can always wreak havoc around your city. Tell businessmen to give you their Rolex watches and bank accounts. Go to a bar and tell the bartender to give you a free Martini. (Why not? James Bond is in theaters.). Go to that exclusive club and tell the bouncer to let you in. Set up a successful pyramid scheme, anarchist cell or kitten factory. Mingle with CEOs and finalize mergers with your company. They get a cardboard box, and you get multi-millionaire status and a penthouse apartment. Best of all, if any inquisitive superheroes appear at your doorstep you can tell them to "Beat it." And they will.
Also, being purple totally lets everyone know you're evil.
Why this power might suck
In order for you to control people they have to hear your commands (also smell you if pheromones are involved). That's where the trouble starts.
The variables encompassed by this power are absurd in number. You will be doing more research than villainy. What happens when you find that a suggestion lasts only 5 minutes? What happens when you command a hero to deliver an artifact and you're too busy gloating when he/she regains mental control? What happens when an ambiguous command causes your victim to infer its meaning (for example, you tell him or her to make you a sandwich, and you end up as the meat in a giant French Dip)? What happens when the level of specificity you need necessitates note-card recitation just to steal a wallet? What if your get-away cabbie doesn't speak your language? What if your new suit clashes with purple?
These are only a few of the myriad questions you must consider before venturing out on your first heist. Or you could try to learn as you gom and get Vinnie "The Butcher" Tagliabue to obey your plea of "Don't stab me with that knife!" by, instead, slitting your throat with it.
The trouble only increases after your first capture. The news media has already broadcast your face (also, that you're purple), and information about your powers across the world long before you break out by insisting that you're "going out for a pack of smokes." You may have almost destroyed the Avengers (Who hasn't?), but your current arch-nemeses will be relegated to Deaf-Man, guy with headphones, and old woman with purse and forgotten ear trumpet.
When you hijack a bus the passengers will render you ineffective by increasing the volume of their mp3 players, cell phones and Yorkshire Terriers to maximum. One day you might just wake up concussed from a savage skateboard beating after losing a battle of decibels to sk8er-boi with iPod.
If you had the same powers...
You would start your evil career small, telling people to empty their bank accounts and give you cash. Once you get enough money to buy suitable villain attire (looking GQ is a must) you negotiate a business loan with reasonable terms (none) and a suitable repayment period (none). You laugh when you see your now-out-of-work-and-homeless loan officer begging for change.
With your "legitimate" capital you pose as an investor and convince the CEO of Payne Industries to finance your impregnable hideout. Your public speaking skills allow you to recruit an army, stock your hideout with advanced weapons, and make Jehovah's Witnesses go away. You decide to take on the Avengers and acquire their most sensitive data (which you will auction to the criminal underworld), recovered alien technology (which you will use to enslave the masses), or delicious snack cakes (which you will destroy to prevent the foiling of your devious plot via tasty snacks). By sending a distress call from a deserted location you are able to waylay the investigating hero (who smelled a trap but was captured anyway).
You encourage the hero to take you to the Geosynchronous Space Station Headquarters. You order your army to raze the city. Once aboard the station, you head to the control room. You sooth the fears of the lone operator who begins the file transfer, activates a teleporter, or fills an airlock with snack cakes. Meanwhile, Captain Superhero has just returned from saving an ancient alien civilization from sentient pulsars. You inform your captives that it might be faster to reach Earth if they take the airlock. They agree. You laugh in triumph as your army ransacks the city, the transfer/teleporter/airlock countdown progresses toward zero, and a monitor shows Senator Calley in his bathtub playing with rubber duckies and a plastic sailboat. Captain Super enters the control room. Unbeknownst to you Captain Superhero was deafened by a supernova during his mission. You can't talk your way out of the fist.
Rock Bottom
The Avengers sit things out and instead import Raging Brahman and Hindi Tiger, thereby continuing the recent trend of outsourcing valuable jobs to India. They drown you out by singing Bollywood movie songs.
Diamond in the Rough
When you become a crotchety old supervillain in the supervillain retirement home, you can tell those pesky kids to get off your lawn. And they will.








Comments
Interesting theories, all.
Now. Please kindly email me your bank account pin numbers, k'thnx.
Posted by: Reverend Rogue | December 16, 2008 7:26 PM
And can you imagine if Purple exclaims "Fuck me!!"?
Posted by: General Store | February 17, 2009 12:11 AM