So you’ve decided to become a supervillain? Good for you! Too many kids these days want to become ‘Heroes’ or ‘Doctors’ or ‘Firemen’ and such. And let me tell you, those jobs are all extremely overrated.

But take note: supervillainy's not that easy. You might think that a flashy suit of high- powered armor and sky-high dreams will get you into the big leagues. But remember for every Dr. Doom there are a dozen Stilt-Men. And you don’t want to be Stilt-Man. Even Stilt-Man didn’t want to be Stilt-Man. For a start, Iron Man once knocked him out by using one of his own legs. And that’s gotta be embarrassing. For a second, the Punisher shot him dead in the face. Somewhat of a mercy killing, but still.

So let’s find out just where you fit in the whole supervillain hierarchy:

1. They say a man is judged by his enemies. Who is your main foe?

a) A Super Hero vastly more powerful than yourself who you combat with your crazy-smarts (or with your just plain crazy). This hero should be so apparently out of your league that other villains will go “Him? What are you, nuts?!” Examples:

• An invulnerable flying alien who spits fire from his eyes.
• The “peak of human physical perfection” (pointy ears or indestructible shield optional).
• A stretchy, often worryingly misogynistic, smart-ass with a rock monster as a best friend.
• A spy with a taste for post-henchman-slaughtering witticisms and an inhuman ability to pull chicks (often a fraction of his age.)

b) Someone who you are very similar to. If he’s a big strong bastard, you’re a big strong bastard. She has animal powers, you have animal powers. He wears ass-less chaps, you wear ass-less chaps. You get the idea. Ideally you are, on paper at least, more powerful than your foe. This won’t help you win but you should at least get some good licks in. If you do really well you may even kill or paralyze them for a bit. (Though they get better. They always get better. Damn them.)

c) You dunno. Whoever shows up at the bank, you suppose.

d) The leader of a tiny resistance that you seem unable to crush, for some reason. So overpowered are you to them in terms of minions, power, etc. that it’s basically bullying, yet you never seem to beat them. They may well have a magic sword and humorous side-kick. (Humorous only if you are mentally unstable or French).

e) Brightly colored creatures who sing, dance and dole out moral lessons. Oh, how you hate them.

2. What’s your motivation?

a) Power!

b) Revenge!

c) Money!

d) To rule the world/ the galaxy /the realm/ Thundera /Eternia / Etheria / Wherevera with an iron fist!

e) My hatred of brightly colored singing creatures. Oh how I hate them.

3. Do you work well with others?

a) With others? No. They work for me.

b) No. Cripping those who have wronged me is a solitary business.

c) Sure. I can do teams. The Evil League of Evildoers, the Sinister Seven Scumbags, the Gang of Nasty-Pieces-of-Work. I’m a people person.

d) Kind of. But the very second I employ them they turn into blundering fools who can’t seem to shoot straight. Mystifying.

e) I’ll work with anyone who hates bright colored singing creatures. Best if they have “dark” in their names. Like Dark Ponyhater or something.

4. Have you ever actually killed anyone?

a) I lost count at the first hundred or so.

b) If they get in my way.

c) Not really my thing, unless there's money in it.

d) Kind of. It’s certainly implied. I do a good line in zapping minions, does that count?

e) I wish. How I wish. I capture enough of those bastards, but they always seem to escape.

5. Are you, uh, slightly camp?

a) You will suffer for that question. In your balls.

b) No. But I do come up if you Google “bear porn”. Go figure.

c) Don’t let the tights fool ya, bub.

d) Nyah hahahahah! Curse you, Duke! Nyahhh! … wait, what?

e) It’s not my fault if I’m surrounded by bright colours and constant singing. I’m straight, damn it!

Results

Mostly a’s: Wow. Looks like you’re a-list, baby. This is ARCH-ENEMY territory, right here. Dr. Doom, the Joker, Blofeld, Lex Luthor, Norman Osborn, the Kingpin: these are the standards to which you’ve got to hold yourself.

You will be so awesome money will flow to you like water, allowing you all the technology and equipment you need, even if you have no discernable source of income. You will be so charismatic that henchmen, lackeys and lickspittles will be falling over themselves to work for you, despite the fact that you often kill them on a mere whim. You will be so confident that you will sneer in the face of a hero after he catches you having done something despicable, well aware of the fact that he could snap your neck with his eyebrow.

You’re pretty fucking great, in other words. Oh, just don’t try that sneering shit with the cops, unless you particularly want to “fall” down some stairs five or six times…

Mostly b’s: You’re a NEMESIS. Not bad. Some would say framing your shtick around basically being an evil version of a good guy is a bit lame. Venom, Bane, Doomsday, Abomination, Professor Zoom; we’re looking at you here. But fuck those naysayers. Always naysaying. You rock.

Here’s a tip, though. Humiliation of the hero (“Kneel before Zod!), a brutal beating (Spider-Man is good for this), even a back-snapping level of maiming: all these things are good. Fuck it, if you fancy it, go for the kill (though this may leave you at somewhat of a loose end about what to do with the rest of your life). Also note, even if you kill them, they will come back on you at some point. Resurrection is just a fact of life.

Also: Never, never, never mention the wife/girlfriend/fuck-buddy etc. Sure it may seem a good idea to rub salt into the guy’s defeat by laughing about how you’re gonna kill her/bang her/eat her eyeballs next but that shit gives hero-types a boost like meth. Before you know it, you’ll be waking up in prison thinking “I was totally winning. What the fuck?” Avoid.

Mostly c’s: You’re a JOBBER. No shame in it.

Well, okay, there is. But I’m not here to judge*.

Still, there's no serious real shame if you just stumbled into some powers (Family curse, industrial accident, irradiated kitten, whatever) and thought, “Fuck it. Let’s steal me some shit.“ But those of you who invent stuff that you could sell for millions and then you start robbing banks with it? (Helloooo, Shocker, Constrictor, Toyman, etc.) Dudes. Seriously. Sell the patents, make a bunch of cash then outfit a whole army of evil. How hard is that?

* NOTE: This is a lie.

Mostly d’s: You’re a PG VILLAIN. Eek.

While you may be pretty powerful and frightening, you’re doomed to be beaten by losers who you totally outclass. Skeletor, Cobra Commander, Venger, sorry, guys but it's true.

On the plus side, neither you nor your minions will ever die, on the minus side you’ll suffer from constant stress headaches wondering how the fuck those nimrods seem to defeat you at every turn.

Having said that, you may get “revitalized” in adult form - (Click here to see the all new “adult” Thundercats. Beware your childhood may never be the same. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.)

Mostly e’s: Dude. You’re a KIDDIE BADDIE.

It takes a lot not to be a threat to super teddy-bears/ tiny blue communists/ a stoner, his dog and 3 morons. But whatever it doesn’t take, that’s what you haven’t got. I mean c’mon. Is your mother proud of you? Is she?

flywingedmonkey@btinternet.com
http://flywingedmonkey.livejournal.com