Boy, 2008 was some year, wasn't it? The economy collapsed, the presidential election was nasty as ever, terrorist attacks and natural disasters killed thousands, riots broke out in Europe, and a bunch of beloved celebrities died.

What better year to joke about than that? In that spirit, here are some jokes about those tragedies, and other stuff.

International News

Not long after the year began, a Boy Scout thwarted the attempted assassination of Maldivian president Maumoon Abdul Gayoom by grabbing the blade of the attacker's knife. In honor of his achievement, the scout was given the prestigious "brave, but stupid" badge.

In February, Fidel Castro announced his resignation as President of Cuba, which led to his brother, Raul, taking over later in the month. Critics have since lambasted the replacement, calling Raul "the Shemp of dictators."

Over 69,000 people were killed in a 8.0-magnitude March earthquake in central south-west China near Chengdu, Sichuan province. As the U.N. and nations around the world sent aid, President Bush promptly ordered troops to search for "this Richter guy everyone keeps talkin' about."

In July, politician Íngrid Betancourt and 14 other hostages were rescued from FARC (the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia) by Colombian security forces. Unfortunately, FARK.com still holds thousands in stupidly Photoshopped captivity.

In August, the 2008 South Ossetia war began as Georgia and Russia launched a major offensives inside the separatist region. Natives of the U.S. state of Georgia wondered what all the fuss was about, because they didn't hear any bombings. They soon returned to farming dirt and playing washtub bass.

A November series of terrorist attacks in Mumbai, India killed 164, and injured at least 250. Indian authorities were at a loss until one plucky young officer figured out just what to do, staging a song-and-dance number so spectacular that the attackers had to join in.

In December, riots spread across Greece after Greek police shot and killed a 15-year-old boy. Luckily, we're too civilized in America and Great Britain to riot over things like that, instead making our riot decisions solely on the basis of the outcomes of sporting events.

U.S. News

The year kicked off with price of petroleum hitting $100 per barrel for the first time, and gas reached more than 4 dollars a gallon by summer. As a result, Americans had to drastically change their lifestyles, as many opted to live and work in their Hummers so they could continue to drive them.

More than 20 presidential primaries were held on February 5, also known as Super Tuesday. While John McCain emerged as the GOP's probable nominee, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton continued to battle for the Democratic nomination until summer, when the nomination was settled in the time-honored tradition of the secret cockfight.

In mid-August, John McCain named Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. Asked after the election whether he stood by his decision to choose Governor Palin, McCain cried for four hours.

In late August, Hurricane Gustav made landfall in Louisiana, delaying the start of the Republican National Convention. John McCain's advice to delay the November presidential elections due to a very strong wind chill factor went unheeded, however.

In early October, as banks failed and stocks tumbled, Congress passed and President Bush signed a law creating a 700-billion-dollar bailout fund to purchase failing bank assets. Bank executives, keenly aware of the crisis and thankful for the boost, quickly ran out and got emergency pedicures.

On November 4, Barack Obama was elected as the first black president of the United States. Obama, a self-styled idealist, hopes to inform Americans about the differences in how white people and black people drive, cultural differences in greetings and white guys' inability to dance.

In early December, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested on federal corruption charges, including the accusation that he tried to sell President-elect Obama's Senate seat. The arrest exposed Obama's greatest political liability: being from Illinois.

Later in the month, President Bush approved $13.4 billion in loans to the automotive industry following failed congressional negotiations. Auto makers, keenly aware of the crisis and thankful for the boost, quickly built a fleet of emergency Hummers for people to live in, work in and drive.

Notable Deaths

"Dark Knight" and "Brokeback Mountain" star Heath Ledger died in January. The Hollywood gossip press decided to honor the beloved actor by wildly speculating about his personal life.

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the Indian spiritual leader who the Beatles visited in 1968, died in February, which now gives John Lennon the chance to play him all the thinly-veiled hate songs he's written about him in the afterlife.

"Jaws" and "French Connection" actor Roy Scheider also died in February, content in knowing that he had absolutely nothing to do with "Jaws: The Revenge." (Michael Caine won't be so lucky.)

Dungeon and Dragons co-creator Gary Gygax died in March, prompting more eulogies and memorials to include the phrase "magic missile" than in the combined total of all human history.

"Planet of the Apes" star and former NRA president Charlton Heston died in April. Interestingly enough, it's still impossible to get that gun out of his hands.

Rock and roll pioneer Bo Diddley died in May. In a not-entirely-unexpected move, in his will, he bequeathed everything he owned to himself, Bo Diddley.

"Meet the Press" host Tim Russert died in June, leaving a gaping dry-erase-board-shaped hole in NBC's election night coverage.

Comedian George Carlin also died in June, leaving Shining Time Station with only Ringo to guide it.

Former U.S. Senator and staunch segregation supporter Jesse Helms died on July 4, thereby canceling out anything patriotic about that date.

Comedian Bernie Mac and music legend Isaac Hayes died within a day of each other in August. If I were them, that actually might have been a preferable option to seeing myself in "Soul Men."

The voice of many Hollywood trailers, Don LaFontaine, died in September, prompting more eulogies and memorials to include the phrase "in a world" than in the combined total of all human history.

Actor and philanthropist Paul Newman also died in September, as a result of being too awesome.

"Jurassic Park" author Michael Crichton died in November, or at least, he'll be dead until scientists discover his perserved DNA and open a doomed amusement park full of him.

Possibly the most famous pin-up model of all time, Bettie Page, died in December, making masturbation just a little bit sadder for all mankind.

Celebrities and Entertainment

In February, System of a Down guitarist Daron Malakian told MTV.com that the band was not likely to reform any time soon. Angered fans were forced to turn to the hundreds of other bands that sound exactly the same.

Also in Feburary, the Writer's Guild of America agreed to a three-year deal with producers, ending a 3-month strike. Finally, professionals could get back to the important work of telling stories about doctors that can talk to ghosts and invulnerable cheerleaders.

Later in the same month, "No Country For Old Men" won the Best Picture Oscar. To alleviate fears, members of the Academy assured the public that they would go right back to picking shitty movies next year.

After opening in July, "The Dark Knight" was the highest-grossing film of the year, raking in nearly a billion dollars worldwide. To alleviate fears, members the public assured movie makers they would go right back to paying to see shitty movies next year.

Through the first eight months of the year, Nintendo sold more Wiis than Sony and Microsoft sold Xbox 360s and the Playstation 3s combined, demonstrating that the ultimate gaming business model is to sell a system with virtually no software library and a dumb name.

In November, Guns N' Roses released their first album containing original material in 17 years, Chinese Democracy. Interestingly enough, it also takes Axl Rose 7 hours to take a shit.

In December, Britney Spears scored her first top ten debut on the Billboard Hot 100, selling 212,000 copies only with download sales. In order to duplicate her success, a number of young female vocalists immediately acquired a drug habit, became terrible parents to two kids, engaged in several public displays of violent insanity and married a douchebag.

Sports

In February, The New York Giants upset the heavily favored New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII. Only the smartest analysts, those who deduced that a 30-foot giant could easily crush even the best-armed 18th Century, tri-corner-hatted man, predicted the game's outcome.

In April, Danica Patrick became the first woman to win an Indy car race, winning the Indy Japan 300. When asked to comment on her accomplishment, she happily menstruated all over the place.

In June The Detroit Red Wings won the Stanley Cup, marking the only victory for anyone in Detroit in 2008.

Also in June, The Boston Celtics won their seventeenth NBA Championship, defeating the Los Angeles Lakers. Ratings were extremely high as well, following the teams' brilliant idea to rename all their players "Magic Johnson" and "Larry Bird."

In July, Rafael Nadal defeated Roger Federer in the finals at Wimbledon. This year's tournament was the shortest in history, as Nadal and Federer are the only men's players who show up anymore.

The 2008 Summer Olympics took place in Beijing, China over two weeks in August. They were really good, but not even a day after they were over, viewers were hungry again.

In October, the Philadelphia Phillies beat the Tampa Bay Rays in the World Series. Bookies, who had put sure odds on the likelihood of both teams somehow losing, lost millions.

Science and Technology

In March, an exploding star halfway across the visible universe became the farthest known object ever visible to the naked eye. Prior to that event, the farthest visible object was Galactus, who gets closer every day.

In April, A cross human-cow embryo created in England lived for three days. According to scientists, the creation had never-before-seen genetic potential for activities such as eating, standing still and pooping.

In June, Bill Gates stepped down as Microsoft chairman after three decades in the post to concentrate on philanthropy. Microsoft executives said each day would be much harder, making shitty operating systems without him.

In September, proton beams were circulated through the Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest and highest-energy particle accelerator, for the first time. The world was immediately destroyed.

In October, the meteoroid 2008 TC3 impacted Earth, becoming the first such object to be discovered prior to impact. Scientists didn't try to stop it, however, because it had a gun.

In November, the so-called Martin Jetpack flew for 46 seconds, longer then any other jetpack before it, as science finally took a step toward creating a world I want to live in.

In December, the moon moved to its nearest point to Earth, called perigee, at the same time that it in its fullest phase of the lunar cycle, making it look larger and brighter than normal. It'll be 8 more years before there's such a perfect opportunity to make a "Majora's Mask" joke, so here goes: "One might think the moon is on a course to crash into earth, just like in 'Majora's Mask.' " MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

treachery@the-iss.com