THWIP

I suppose the way I should be assigning bullets to these things is by whether or not, when spoken, they sound like the actual sound from, you know, the world. The problem with "THWIP," then, is that it is a sound effect that was created for something that is original to the comic, not of some world-happening occurrence--it's the sound of Spider-Man shooting his web. (Damn you Spider-Man, etc.)

So I don't think of it sounding like something else as much as I think that, in movies and cartoons, the sound effects used should match it. For instance, in the "Spider-Man" movies, rather than kind of a squishy sound, the effect used for Spider-Man's webspinning should have been a guy saying "THWIPP." Because that's what it sounds like.

Plus 7 bullets.

BATANG

This is the commonly used ricochet sound effect, for when a bullet bounces off a wall or Batman's batarang goes flying off of one of those giant vats of acid, 'cause you know Batman's always fighiting around giant vats of acid for one reason or another.

Frankly, I have to say that "BATANG" is one of my least favorite comic book onomatopoeias, simply because nothing is as good as the actual sound of bullets bouncing off of metal (which is, frankly, awesome, and is more of a PYWOAW). A lot of times, I prefer the comics sound. For instance, I prefer "RRRRRRUMBLE" quite a bit to the actual sound of rumbling. But "BATANG" just doesn't live up to its counterpart.

Minus 3 bullets.

SKREEE

I like "SKREEE" a lot, simply because it can be used for so many things. A whole bunch of sound effects are specific to one sound and that's it, but "SKREEE" can be the sound of tires screeching, or of just a really loud banshee wail, a creaky door opening, or of fingernails on a chalkboard, and many, many other things.

And better yet, it actually matches up pretty well with all those real-life sounds. I mean, "SKREEE" is so goddamn versatile, I think I could probably use it for about 30% of all comic book onomatopoeias and most people wouldn't even notice.

Plus 5 bullets.

VROOM

I'm not a big fan of this one, simply because it's so unnecessary. In the last decade or so, it seems that comics have been trying to phase out the whole onomatopoeia business in a good many books, so as to give them a darker and/or more realistic edge. Yeah, they still use them in some of the lighter-harted books, but the darker books are getting rid of them faster and faster.

And, deservedly so, "VROOM" was one of the first to go. I mean, yeah, we get it, the car's moving. We can tell that by the fact that the car is in a different place than it was a panel before. You don't have to obstruct my view of Black Cat (VA-VA-VOOM is acceptable there, though) to let me know that.

Minus 4 bullets.

ZOK

Here's the thing about "ZOK." It's a 1960's Batman TV series onomatopoeia. Granted, the show did have quite a few redeeming qualities--namely the guest stars that played the villians, like Burgess Meredith as the Penguin, Caesar Romero as the Joker, and fucking Vincent Price himself as Egghead, which I dare to say no other actor could pull off--but one of the worst, and I mean worst parts of the show was the requisite fight or two with villainous thugs.

This is so for two reasons: 1) Because it meant that the villain always had to say something effeminate like, "Sic em, boys!" or "Get those brutes!" and that makes us look pretty terrible and 2) Because it was spliced with graphics of words like "ZOK" and "EE-YOW" and "DAVID CROSBY." Ick.

Minus 8 bullets.

SNIKT

This one's another character-specific onomatopoeia. It's the sound that Wolverine's claws make when they pop out of his hand. It presents the same problem for me as the whole "THWIPP" thing--when I saw the X-Men movie and Wolverine popped his claws, I figured the sound effect should have been simply Wolverine himself saying "SNIKT." But instead, it was this crazy metallic sound that just threw me off entirely.

That said, I like (to hate) Spider-Man a lot more than Wolverine. And in a Punisher comic one time, Wolverine described his full set of claws as a "snikt-pack." Thus, I don't care about his sound effect nearly as much. In fact, I barely care at all.

0 bullets.

BAMF

Not to be confused with "BAMPF," this is yet another onomatopoeia reserved for a specific character, Kurt Wagner himself.

Every time Nightcrawler teleports, it is necessary that there be a "BAMF." It's a great sound effect, partially because Nightcrawler is one of the best X-Men, but mostly because every time the guy teleports, he leaves behind a sulfury smell. I can just imagine Cyclops waking up some morning and realizing that Nightcrawler had just teleported out of the kitchen, and smelling nothing but sulfur as he's trying to eat his Oreo O's. And that makes me happy.

Plus 4 bullets.

BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA

There are lots of things wrong with this one. First of all, in terms of accuracy, it's pretty off the mark. I mean, if machine guns actually made the noise "BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA," I think they would lose the relatively intimidating quality of sounding like a machine gun.

Plus, even though I'm sure it's completely unintentional and the spelling is different, this just has religious mockery written all over it. Get ready Marvel and DC, the suit's comin', from some really placid folks.

Minus 5 bullets.

SPLORTCH

I love this onomatopoeia. I really can't explain why--I suppose that it has something to do with the act with which it's associated, which is always something innocent, like a pie hitting someone's face, or gruesomely violent, like the Punisher smashing someone's head with sledgehammer.

Although I think probably the best part about "SPLORTCH" is just attempting to say it out loud. Try it. "SPLORTCH. SPLOOOOOORTCH." It's especially fun if you have an opportune time to do it, like when you're pretending to punch someone in the head, or when there's a Three Stooges-esque baked goods war.

Plus 6 bullets.

PONTIFF

Yeah, I know I made this one up, but c'mon, think about it. Imagine that the Pope was a superhero, which I guess he kind of is anyway to a lot of people (I mean, he DOES have a Popemobile), and that there was a comic book about him (which apparently there already is). What sound effect would go with everything he does? Why, "PONTIFF" of course! The Pope punches a Lutheran! PONTIFF! The Pope reads holy scripture! PONTIFF! The Pope drinks some coffee and it's kind of too hot so he has to quickly fan off his tongue! PONTIFF! The possibilities are endless!

Plus 10 bullets.

Note: Despite my use of bullets as a means of measurement, I did not give my opinion on "BLAM." I don't know how to feel about that.

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