Women: More Than a Cute Set of Knockers
Yes, I know that the title of this chapter and the accompanying image are perhaps a bit misleading. You may have expected us to be talking about knockers here. Which, is quite clever when you think about it. I drew you into reading this chapter the same way that your girlfriend probably drew you into asking her out. Ain't boobs great? Let's take a second right here and give a big hip, hip, hooray for the boobs! I'll pause on this line for a moment while you do so.
(Also, it should be mentioned that this article is for the purposes of humor ONLY. Anybody who gets their relationship into a jam by quoting this is, in effect, a dumb ass, and should not be allowed to reproduce anyway.)
Congrats! If you are reading this, you are in fact thinking about getting into, or are already in, a relationship. This is a very exciting time for you, and I'm sure that all the girls who turned you down before are incredibly jealous of your new flame or flame-to-be.
Right. Lets pause right there. Face facts, guys. In order for the aforementioned relationship to become the strong, mutual, trusting, storybook version of a romance that your girlfriend and/or future spouse dreams of, the first thing you have to do is...forget about all your previous girlfriends. Yes. You read that right. I'm not saying that you can't secretly daydream about them...or fantasize...or occasionally lock the bathroom door and spend an extravagant amount of "you" time.
I am merely stating that as far as your significant other is concerned, there has only ever been one woman in your life. And you had better damned well not break this illusion. You see, women have a different mentality than men. There's always that hope, that one of these days, their knight in shining armor, their Prince Charming, if you will, will arrive on a white steed, and take her away to her fantasy life where she will live happily ever after.
So, she's already made a major sacrifice with settling for you, and as you are now in fact the surrogate Prince Charming, it is best you don't ruin the relationship by throwing in the little tidbit about jizzing all over Cinderella when you were in college. She doesn't care how long it was before you met her, how drunk you were, and especially how little she meant to you. Love is a minefield, my friends. Sure, a lot of it is butterflies, sunflowers and rainbows. But the vast majority of the time, you find yourself wandering around carrying one of your appendages under your arm wondering what the hell just happened.
This is normal!
You win some, you lose some. And my friend, be prepared to lose some. Because when I say lose "some" I mean about 95 percent of the time. Men are just not wired properly to win an argument with a woman. It's a type of psychological warfare that for some reason, we just have no talent when it comes to playing this particular game.
Say you get into a fight with another guy. You beat the hell out of each other for maybe five minutes, until the adrenaline runs out, then you end up buying each other a beer with a newfound respect for each other. Unless of course a woman is involved.
Women don't play the game that way. If two women hate each other, it may never come to physical blows. What will happen, however, is a long, drawn out, and extremely complex game of Mousetrap(TM) that can go on for decades and will only end when one of the two parties involved in the aforementioned dispute either: A) dies, or B) gets a sex change.
Oh, and it will get heated. There's way more Cloak and Dagger going on between two women who hate each other than in the Cold War and The War on Terror combined. And here's the best part! In this particular game of chick chess, you get to be a pawn!
Sure, you may not care if there's a bit of a stain on your shirt when you go out with your spouse, but you better damned well believe that SHE sees it. And if she does, someone else might, too! And it just wouldn't do to have anyone thinking that she's dating/married a complete slob who can't even keep food off his shirt. Especially that Kimmy whatsherface with the big knockers who always stole her boyfriends back in the tenth grade and whom she will get if it's the last fucking thing she does, up to and including grabbing you by the ankles and beating Kimmy whatsherface into submission with your lifeless corpse. (We said it may not ever come to blows. That doesn't mean it won't.)
Don't take this as saying that your significant other doesn't love you. If she has indeed given you her love cookie (so named because you only get it when you're good and all pet names for genitalia are ridiculous), then chances are that she really likes you! And as long as you don't make the rookie mistake of looking at, speaking of, thinking about, or otherwise mentioning someone whom she considers to be her enemy in a positive light, then you'll be okay.
Now, you might actually beat the snot out of some guy when it comes to your significant other's honor. But, fellas, you're no match for that little vixen when it comes to an actual argument. You see, as mentioned before, women can hold a grudge for a long time. As a matter of fact, the only thing a woman can hold longer than a grudge is another woman's hair if things finally come to blows. And if this happens, you better have the jaws of life and a good hair stylist handy. Otherwise, somebody gonna die.
I myself have been in an argument where, not only did I not have a damned clue as to what was going on, but things were quoted back to me that I had supposedly said at some point that I didn't even remember saying. It was like a sadist's version of "Jeopardy."
You: Ummmmmm..Winston Churchill?
Her: Oh son, you isn't very bright, is ya?
Guys, to you that may not have sounded like an extremely horrible thing to say. But any woman who is reading this right now is thinking to herself how much of a completely insensitive prick I am for saying something like that, while quietly snickering to about how her meatloaf is superior to any other woman's.
The truth is that women are smarter than us. It's true! Women have a way of backwards engineering logic to the point that there is nothing you can say that is going to be right. As a matter of fact, 90% of the things you say can and will be held against you. So in this respect, it's best to shut the hell up and just apologize. It's like that movie, "Dune." She who controls the spice, controls the universe. And if you ever want more of her"love cookie" again, it's probably a good idea to be quiet, concentrate on collecting those gold stars, and lay low.
Fact: If you ever want to make her totally make her lose her fucking mind and lock onto you like a Dalek screaming "EXTERMINATE!" at the top of her lungs, go ahead and try using logic. Oh sure...this is an easy way to accumulate "anti-cookie points", but isn't she cute when her head spins around like that?
Oh yes. There are many dos and don'ts (mostly don'ts) when it comes to females my friends. And I could try for a complete list, but they would simply change the rules as soon as I hit "submit". So, here it is in a nutshell: Don't try to play a game where you don't know the rules. And for God's sake, if your going to apologize, at least know what your apologizing for.
This is yet another rookie mistake. The phantom "I'm sorry." Sure, you probably are sorry. But it's more than saying your sorry. You have to specify via verbal contract, what you are sorry for, and that you are, in fact, an asshole.
The thing is guys, that there will indeed come a time that you will fuck up beyond sorry. You won't know your doing it when it happens. Perhaps you were sent to the store to buy your wife some "feminine products" for that time of the month, and you brought the wrong brand. Again. For the fourth consecutive time.
At this point, your probably wishing that those "wings" they keep talking about on the box actually worked, and you significant other would just fly the fuck off for about a week (still crossing my fingers on this one, actually). However, your going to have to face the music and admit your mistake. You see, as their mate, women expect more out of us. God knows why. But they do. And when we continually screw up with the same thing over and over, it's no longer about the mistake. It's about respect. And the fact that we keep making this mistake simply shows them that we have not been listening.
"Sorry" won't work here, guys. You can say it, just don't be surprised when everything doesn't go back to unicorns and rainbows. Give her some time, make some insanely sweet act of contrition, and don't ever do it again.