by Doktor Maxwell von Puppykicker the Third
300 is about s l o w m o t i o n followed by fastmotion.
The Dark Knight is about a superhero that doesn’t manage to save many people.
The Sixth Sense is about a twist that would be extremely shocking if the Twilight Zone hadn’t already used it fifty goddamned times.
Mulholland Drive is about sexy lesbians taking their clothes off and- OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT CAVEMAN THING HELP MOMMY.
Dawn of the Dead is a cautionary tale about society’s inability to protect individuals in the wake of a global catastrophe.
The Dawn of the Dead remake is about explosions and tanks and zombies that are like super fast and shit.
The Punisher is about how Hollywood can adapt a comic book where the protagonist punches a polar bear and make it completely suck.
Punisher: War Zone is about making the earlier point irrefutable.
Little Nicky is a movie about Hell that could only have been crafted by Satan Himself.
Kill Bill is about a girl who kills a whole ton of people, at least some of whom are named Bill.
The Shawshank Redemption is a timeless and heartfelt story about prison rape, crawling through miles of human waste, and opera.
Terminator 2 is about futuristic robots who know a hell of a lot about tractor-trailers and grenade launchers.
Terminator 3 is Terminator 2 with tits.
The Thing is about a thing, which in this case happens to be a shapeshifting alien dog.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars is about… wait, did any of you even bother to see this? Yeah, me neither.
Dolemite is mankind’s greatest achievement to date.
Brokeback Mountain is a touching and controversial story about a romance between two achingly closeted homosexual ranch hands.
Just kidding! Brokeback Mountain is about dudes taking it up the butt LOL!
The Karate Kid is about you’re the best around/ nothing’s gonna ever keep you down/ you’re the best around/ nothing’s gonna ever keep you down/ you’re the best around/ nothing’s gonna ever keep you doooooooooown.
Wall-E is about a centuries old automaton that relentlessly stalks a female of his own species, eventually kidnapping her comatose body.
Superman Returns is about earth’s greatest hero knocking up a chick and lifting things.
Pirates of the Caribbean is about how advanced special effects, bombastic action setpieces, and elaborately choreographed swordfights aren’t nearly as entertaining as a slightly drunk Johnny Depp.
Citizen Kane is about a wealthy businessman who mourns the loss of his childhood innocence, as symbolized by his sled Rosebud. (Warning: The previous sentence contains spoilers.)
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Comments
Ah, Dr. Puppykicker, we should form an super-best-friendship based entirely on hating Zach Snyder.
Posted by: bg | January 14, 2009 2:19 AM
"300 is about s l o w m o t i o n followed by fastmotion."
And, of course, manly men looking at other manly men's muscular man-boobs.
Posted by: Aditya Bidikar | January 14, 2009 9:28 AM
Superman Returns is about earth’s greatest hero knocking up a chick and lifting things.
So funny, and sadly true.
Posted by: Monica | January 14, 2009 11:21 AM
Got me worried for a minute there with Brokeback Mountain!
Posted by: guayec | January 15, 2009 10:23 AM
I wonder how many times you tried to write an actual synopsis for The Karate Kid before giving in :)
Posted by: Darth Obvius | January 21, 2009 4:49 PM
Oh, now I understand Citizen Kane. I always thought it was about black and white and wierd camera angles.
Posted by: Schmaptain Schmobvious | February 11, 2009 2:01 PM
There were no tanks in the DOTD Remake... and maybe 2 explosions.
Posted by: DOTD Fan | September 15, 2009 3:04 AM
Terminator 2 was an awesome movie, it had everything.
Terminator 3 was a suckfest with some whiny bitch of an actor playing the "saviour" of mankind. I'm sorry, but I'm not trusting that fool. It was awful.
For you to say it was T2 with tits is, in my opinion, not right.
Posted by: Kyle Sevenoaks | September 15, 2009 4:14 AM