If there's one group for whom Barack Obama's election has meant an instant end to the recession, it's peddlers of worthless crap. In the past two months, Obama's face has been on such crap as coins, commemorative plates, and a Marvel comic.
But it seems that peddlers of garbage have missed out on several other Obama branding (or as I've just termed it, Obranding) opportunities. Now that Obama's officially president here are some promotional ideas I'm providing to whoever wants them, free of charge. (Don't worry. I'm still evil. I have my motives here.)
Honor and Tradition Barack Obama Limited-Edition Toilet Paper
The 44th president of the United States' face is on each square of this handcrafted, two-ply tissue. How better to honor America's new chief executive than by wiping the fecal matter off your ass with his face? Only 15,000 rolls of this commemorative paper will be manufactured before the foundry is bulldozed and burned. So this is your only chance to clean the shit off your anus with Barack Hussein Obama.
The Gateway To Liberty Obama-Shaped Door
Is that a draft? No. That's freedom! At least it is with this finely crafted pine door made in the exact shape of President Barack Obama. Can it fit in your rectangular-shaped door frame? Yes it can! Will air from outside get through the holes? Yes it will! Will you get pneumonia if you don't install another door? Probably, yeah.
Uncle Obama's Rice
Racism is over, America! That's why we're replaced the black, slave-resembling spokesman for Uncle Ben's rice (recently made by the company into the "CEO") with the ever-loving president of the United States. Now the powerful black president will be the one serving rice to white people! That's not offensive! Right? Right?????
ObamaBank
Formerly CitiBank, this financial conglomerate offers pretty much all the same shitty loans for homeowners and criminally low interest rates for customers who open savings accounts. But now it's named for Obama! Obama!
The Historic Commemorative Obama HDTV
No longer do you have to sit in your living room watching television, not reminded of the pivotal moment in which Barack Obama was elected America's first black president. This 1080p high-definition television reminds you of Obama's rule-breaking accomplishment with a lifelike, life-sized image of Obama painted directly onto the middle of the screen. Now you can watch "The Mentalist" with President Obama right there in your living room with you, on this finely crafted TV. Also, the count of electoral votes scrolls up the sides of the screen every half hour, to remind you of the day Obama was elected for years to come.
Obama Brand Obama Obama
This can be basically anything you want. I don't know, like a canister set or motor oil or some crappy pens that come in a nice case. People will buy it whatever it is, trust us. The more Obamas in the name, the better.
