January 2

What it's about:
James Bond (Daniel Craig) and the Manchurain Candidate (Liev Schreiber) single-handedly take on Hitler and his regime by harboring an entire community of Jews in war-torn Central Europe. Goofy-sounding accents abound.

What to expect:
When Bond finally reaches Hitler's undersea lair, Hitler will attempt to kill him, but the wily British operative doesn't die so easily. Later, Bond catches Hitler following a bang-up speedboat chase and mercilessly kills him by throwing him to hungry sharks. "Don't get any stuck in your teeth," Bond tells the sharks. Later, Bond fucks Eva Braun.

January 9

What it's about:
Two best friends and brides-to-be (Anne Hathaway, slumming and Kate Hudson, going about her normal speed) end up at odds after their weddings are accidentally scheduled on the same day. Instead of them being rational human beings and just changing the date of one or both, they instead begin dyeing each others' skin and hair prior to announcing that those things just happened.

What to expect:
Hilarious and original dialogue! "Your wedding can suck it?" Didn't see that one coming! Or how about when that lady from 3rd Rock From the Sun said that if Anne Hathaway ignored her orange-colored skin, then "the terrorists win!" That didn't even make any goddamn sense, but boy is it witty and hilarious! Oh man! I hope someone tells someone else, "Don't go there," while snapping hilariously! No, really, that would be great.

What it's about:
Based on title alone, this is a stunning documentary from the religious right about all the aborted babies who could have cured cancer.

What to expect:
Okay, now I've watched the trailer, and I see it has nothing to do with abortion at all. Instead, it seems to be the overarching plot of the first season of "The Venture Bros.," all the imagery of the "Silent Hill" games and the creepy-kid/weird sound design/jumpy camera vibe of J-horror taped together into some kind of bad-acting showcase. I didn't realize it three sentences ago, but I think I would have preferred the documentary.

January 16

What it's about:
Some disgruntled mine worker in a gas mask is going around killing a bunch of teenagers on Valentine's Day. Odds are somebody will try to stop him or something. Meanwhile, shit is literally flying out of the screen at you! Who cares about a discernible plot or worthwhile direction? Shit! Flying! Out of the screen!

What to expect:
A movie that, outside of the setting, literally has nothing to do with Valentine's Day. I mean, what does a dude in a gas mask and a hard hat have to do with fucking Valentine's Day? In "Halloween," at least Michael Myers had a creepy mask. Couldn't the killer here at least kill people with a bow and arrow or something? Or do killers in holiday-themed horror movies not have to have anything to do with the holiday? If that's the case, I have a hell of a good horror movie idea about a man made entirely of razor blades who kills people on Arbor Day.

What it's about:
It's almost certainly not a remake of this awesome movie starring Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman. No, this one seems to be about Biggie Smalls (some actor) constantly curling his lip up, and saying things in kind of a raspy voice, and loving his mama, even though he also enjoys partying and gets arrested for something another guy takes the rap for. Hopefully, there'll be a happy ending. Plus, it has Sean "Puffy" Combs being portrayed as not completely insane, so it's clearly fiction.

What to expect:
Biggie Biggie Biggie, can't you see that sometimes your words just hypnotize me and I just love your flashy ways, I guess that's why they're broke and you're so paid. Also, tapes will likely be allowed to rock until those tapes pop.

What it's about:
Mall security guy Paul Blart (Kevin James) can't pass the police academy, so instead he sticks with his deafeningly unfunny job as a mall cop. Terrorists take over his mall for some reason, leading to even less humor. Odds are he eventually gets into the police force after he beats the terrorists or something. Whatever.

What to expect:
It's hard to hate or love or have any real emotional reaction toward something so bland and so boring that nobody involved with it seems to give a damn either. So my guess is that you should expect to forget about this movie pretty much immediately after seeing it, which is basically what everyone did immediately after making it.

January 23

What it's about:
In a world where it's always exactly the same time of night, werewolf guys and vampire guys roar at each other a lot. The king of the vampire guys (Bill Nighy) gets pissed when his daughter (not Kate Beckinsale) falls in love with a werewolf guy. It's like if Romeo and Juliet were written by a 17-year-old who also pens Buffy fanfiction.

What to expect:
An "Underworld" movie that even Kate Beckinsale, in all her B-level celebrity, wouldn't touch.

What it's about:
Brendan Fraser (Brendan Fraser) and his daughter somehow have the power of making any book they read come to life. (Question: Wasn't there an Adam Sandler movie with the exact same plot just recently? Are they really cribbing ideas from Adam Sandler?) They inadvertently unleash the guy who played Gollum onto the world when they read the wrong book.

What to expect:
A very, very neutered world in which the guy who played Gollum could be the worst thing you bring to life by reading a book about him. Wouldn't it be worse if they read Dante's "Inferno?" Or "Mein Kampf?" Anything Kafka ever wrote? That Clay Aiken autobiography?

January 30

What it's about:
Some people from down the street show up to a party...and drink all the beer! Actually, no, unfortunately, it's much less scary than that. It's actually about some girl suspecting her dad's new girlfriend (Elizabeth Banks) of killing her previous family and trying to kill her. And, as could be expected, there are creepy kids and milk turning into blood and all that standard shit.

What to expect:
I'm guessing that I should start expecting a whole slate of horror movies whose titles start with "The Un-" and which have basically the same elements to start coming out at a rapid clip. I mean there are two in January alone. Two! And they both even have weird kid-ghost things that try to warn the protagonists! It's a whole new genre, I guess.

What it's about:
The daughter (Maggie Grace) of a former Black Ops badass (Liam Neeson) gets kidnapped while on a trip to Paris and is sold as a sex slave (which, well, he should have expected). In retaliation, he makes raspy threats over a cell phone to some guy who thinks it wise to taunt him.

What to expect:
Liam Neeson, despite being like, 70 years old or something, beating the shit out of guys. I'm not sure how that's believable, but somehow it kind of is. I think it has a lot to do with the voice, which makes him sound a whole lot like a Jedi and/or a Jesus lion. Meanwhile, you can expect to see shots of Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) looking alternately happy and concerned.

What it's about:
A big-city businesslady (Renee Zellweger) who has apparently never seen snow before because she's apparently never traveled to New York or London or any big city south of Atlanta gets sent to Minnesota to apparently take charge of her company's folksiness factory. There, she meets a bearded fellow (Harry Connick Jr.) who it's not even remotely in question that she'll end up with.

What to expect:
Formula! Rustic, rural settings always make people fall in love for some reason. Can't they just once like, do a romantic comedy where some toothless cornpone comes to a big city and falls in love with an executive (who obviously wouldn't have time for him or her and would brush them aside into the gutter).

February 6

What it's about:
A cast of thousands (everyone) stars in probably about 10 minutes each of a 90-minute romantic comedy. So of course, it's about deep characterization and complex plotting.

What to expect:
Nah, I'm just kidding ya. It's about incredible shallowness. Oh, and one-liners! One-liners that are totally realistic. Like, I know if Scarlett Johansson stripped down naked in front of me and jumped into a pool, I'd totally say something like, "You're the best friend I ever had," because, you know, I'd want to keep blabbing on while I watch Scarlett Fucking Johansson skinny-dip in front of me. Realism!

What it's about:
AGGGGGGGH! Arrrrgh! GAH FUCK SHIT AGH (Steve Martin) FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT GODDAMMIT FUCK! BALLS BOLLOCKS PUBES SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK.

What to expect:
Fuck.

What it's about:
In this apparent remake of the classic film, "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" and maybe that one "South Park" episode, a group of "Star Wars" superfans load up into a van and try to get into George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch. Apparently, the movie is set before 1999, the year "The Phantom Menace" was released, because it doesn't seem like they want to kill George Lucas or maim him or anything.

What to expect:
A movie that can't even get Harry Knowles to play himself. How hard could that have been to work out? Really?

February 13

What it's about:
An apparently jobless New York fashionista (Isla Fisher) shops a lot. But after she racks up too much credit card debt, she easily gets a job at a magazine, which seems to be profitable enough to pay her a salary that allows her to continue with her extravagant lifestyle. Then, she meets a guy whose tastes are just as expensive as hers and doesn't go bankrupt. Boy, Hollywood sure knows how to encapsulate the times we live in, don't they?

What to expect:
For America to flock to this movie, which features a character that everyone can relate to in this shop-and-spend, easily acquire a high-paying job economy!

What it's about:
A bank-hating vigilante (Clive Owen) goes after banks that are like, buying weapons and assassinating people and are super-connected and blah blah blah blah blah. Basically, banks are evil and Clive Owen is going to fist-fight them.

What to expect:
I don't know if this is just in the trailer or if it's in the actual movie, but man, the most exciting thing about this movie is the fact that there's an ATM in it with a "MURDER" option. That's amazing. In fact, that's the finest ATM-related movie moment since the ATM told Patrick Bateman to feed it a cat in "American Psycho." That's a big deal.

What it's about:
A playful camp counselor in a hockey mask plays wrestling games at night with the campers at Camp Crystal Lake. Meanwhile, a nice lady tells a scary, but harmless story about a kid who drowned named Jason. It's just a good-natured, fun camp movie! At least, that's what I gather from the trailer.

What to expect:
The industrious and creative director of the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" returns with another new and groundbreaking idea in modern cinema! It truly is the second golden age of film!

February 20

What it's about:
Tyler Perry's Madea saga continues! This one falls right in between "Madea Rides a Donkey" and "Madea Takes a Huge Shit." In this one, Madea goes to jail. Stay tuned for the 109th movie in the series by September, which will be a film version of Euripides' play, "Medea."

What to expect:
If the trailer is any indication, you can probably expect to not understand a goddamn thing Madea says.

What it's about:
Take three parts "Bring it On," add two parts "Dude, Where's My Car?" and add a dash of "Van Wilder." Then take a huge shit and smear it all in there really well. You have "Fired Up!"

What to expect:
People playing characters who are much younger than they really are. Like, for instance, there's that 40-year-old playing a pre-med student. Or Molly Sims playing someone who still looks like Molly Sims without about a million dollars worth of plastic surgery.

February 27

What it's about:
A not-at-all-Chinese-looking Chun Li (Kristen Kreuk) takes on a dude with a goatee and learns some shit from Michael Clarke Duncan (probably the main thing she learns is how to be wooden and terrible).

What to expect:
A Street Fighter movie with only one recognizable Street Fighter character! Hope you enjoy it, fans! I mean, really, the Jean Claude van Damme movie was awful, don't get me wrong, but at least it had M. Bison in it, folks.

What it's about:
Three unassuming youngsters from New Jersey get up on the stage to play some good, old-fashioned rock 'n roll music. (Terribly, but that's just part of their charm.) Meanwhile, thousands of screaming pre-teen girls masturbate all over the place.

What to expect:
Sure, you could go see The Jonas Brothers live in concert, but why would you want to do such a thing when you could pay half the price to see a movie in 3D! THREEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEE! Who needs to see teen heartthrobs in person when you have 3-fucking-D! It's better than life! It's better than anything! Aggthahhfafffffaghththffahghg!

March 6

What it's about:
A group of daring adventurers literally called The Watchmen comes to the aid of their good friend, the Comedian after he is brutally murdered! Their leader, the plucky, raspy-voiced, goofy-mask wearing Rorschach rallies them to action! Meanwhile, love blossoms between the big-hearted blue Dr. Manhattan and the lovely young Silk Spectre!

What to expect:
I'll tell you what I expect: HATE. Never-ending, unyielding, burning hatred.

What it's about:
Steve (that dude from "Alias") is creepily stalked by a lady (Sandra Bullock) who was set up by her parents on a blind date with him. Question: Isn't Sandra Bullock well into her 40s? Why then, would she play a role that would barely be believable for a 30-year-old? Is this all she can do? Can't she like, play some kid's mom in a Disney movie or something?

What to expect:
It must be the season of crappy movies with titles similar to classics, because this utterly bland Sandra Bullock vehicle for some reason almost shares a title with "All About Eve," a movie that is actually not shit.

March 13

What it's about:
A cab driver who looks strangely like a professional wrestler (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson) drives two alien kids with X-Men powers to the site of their crashed spaceship. Carla Guguino shows up for no real reason and they're all chased by some kind of interterrestrial Robocop. You know, the trailer didn't look that great, but based on that description this will be the best movie ever made.

What to expect:
Mediocrity, despite every conceivable element of awesomeness. Go figure.

March 20

What it's about:
A former CIA agent (Julia Roberts) and an ex-MI6er (Clive Owen) play silly little sexual games with each other while also becoming the intelligence people for some big MacGuffin thing, because apparently former spies have the time to do that and aren't totally maladjusted from assassinating dictators and watching their friends all die.

What to expect:
Personally, I'm choosing to ignore everything about the trailer and will pay to see this film expecting the return of Michael Keaton in the long-awaited prequel to "Multiplicity."

What it's about:
An actor who appears in movies of ever-decreasing quality (Paul Rudd) apparently has never had any male friends because he's always had girlfriends. Wait...what? How does that even make sense? Since when has having a girlfriend made it altogether impossible to have friends? Also, did he have girlfriends, like, since birth? And all through elementary school? Anyway, he meets a dude (Jason Segel) who seems like he would be a pretty decent friend, because he doesn't clean up his dog's shit.

What to expect:
Headaches. About the ridiculousness of this plot, and the acceleration of Paul Rudd's descent into crap.

What it's about:
It's about that one Big Boi song. You know, the one on Speakerboxx? It was a mid-album filler song, but it was pretty good. I mean, it was no "Church" or "Bowtie," but it was damn entertaining. Actually, now I'm told it's a crappy Nicolas Cage movie. Sorry.

What to expect:
A distilled mishmash of every Nicolas Cage movie made in the last five years. Don't believe me? Is there an unearthed artifact that reveals a whole bunch of secrets? Yep. What about the ability to predict the near future? Oh, you know it. Crazy conspiracies? Oh, son. Bad Nicolas Cage acting? The gold standard, friends. The gold standard.

March 27

What it's about:
The time-honored struggle between, well, monsters and aliens. Except I do have one question: What about the aliens who are also monsters? What about them? How will they cope?

What to expect:
You know, you would think it would be hard to get a movie about monsters fighting aliens wrong, but this movie comes pretty damn close to succeeding. How? Belabored jokes. Is it worthwhile to comment on how pretty much every alien invasion movie takes place in the United States? Sure. That could be prime territory for comedy. But having a TV announcer just say it. That...that doesn't work, folks. Try harder. Also, why make the monsters friendly? I know, it's a kids movie and everything, but I want to see badasses wailing on each other. Is that so much to ask?

What it's about:
I have no idea. But I know it has John Cena in it as a police chief (maybe), as is the guy who played Carcetti on "The Wire" (maybe). Also, this fan-made trailer is one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life.

What to expect:
Seriously, "Cheif." HahahahahahahahAHAHa! "Ubducts."
hahahaHAHAHAHAhahaHAHA! "Mind games will be played!" They'll be played, alright.

treachery@the-iss.com