In honor of the Oscars broadcast Sunday, here are a few things you can do while watching the show so that the lengthy musical numbers where dancers interpretively portray a man aging backwards like in "Benjamin Button," the thank-you speeches full of names you've never heard before, and the sad, but sappy and overlong montage of people who died last year can only serve as background noise while you do something actually kind of entertaining.

The Potato Chip Competitive Eating Face-Off
Take a friend to the grocery store before the show. There, buy at least 10 to 15 bags of potato chips. Any flavor or style is allowable. Wait for the show to start, at which point you and your friend(s) will begin eating chips, and will continue to do so non-stop through the entirety of the broadcast. Beverages are allowable, but sips must be taken quickly. You are only allowed to stop eating during commercial breaks -- any time the awards show is actually on, you have to continue scarfing down chips. The last person to stop eating is the winner, and is also probably a loser.

Imagine the Genitals
You can play this alone or with a friend. Any time a random audience member/celebrity pops up on screen in one of those ubiquitous reaction shots, take a few moments to grab a piece of paper and either describe or draw what his/her genitals might look like. Repeat throughout the show. If you want, find someone to act as a judge of how accurate your depictions are. This would most likely be a friend or family member who you think might have the greatest amount of knowledge regarding Judi Dench's vulva.

Kill the Kidder
If you are attending an award-show party at least one person will invariably make a standard, tired joke about the statue. You know the type -- "I'd like to hold her Golden Globes!" or "That Oscar appears to be very phallic!" or "Grammy? More like Shammy!" Beat this person into a quivering puddle of bones and pus.

Make it an NFL Film
At various points throughout the show, try to narrate what's happening in the voice and style of that way-overdramatic announcer from all those old NFL Films. For example: "Mickey Rourke charges down the carpet, sweat now pouring into his eyes. Fans chant his name as he takes hold of the trophy, making a move toward his agent, the rookie. Finally, this was his year to shine." It would really help if you had that hilarious horn-based music playing in the background.

And the Winner is...BloodRayne!
As each winner is announced, everyone in the room should scream out over the presenters with the name of someone who played a part in the 2005 Uwe Boll film BloodRayne (or for best picture, the movie title itself), as if BloodRayne has swept the Oscars. Then have a good, hearty laugh about it.

The "Metal Gear Solid" Time Challenge
While you watch the award show on one TV, play the PlayStation game "Metal Gear Solid" on another TV set up right next to it. Start from the beginning, and try to finish the game before the show ends. The thing lasts four-and-a-half hours, so you should have time. If you don't, you're pretty bad at Metal Gear. Jeez, dude.

What Else is On?
Check around to see what's showing on other channels. Find something you enjoy watching. Watch that. Find the names of the winners online tomorrow morning. There, I just saved you a night's worth of torture.

the.mwb@gmail.com

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