It pains me to say it, but the modern super villain is getting lazy. Sure, we've always had orbital death cannons and 50-foot killer robots, but at the end of the day we all still found the time to get our stomach crunches and bench presses in. But now? Well, let's just say that Lex Luthor didn't switch from the pink spandex shirt to the power suit for fashion reasons alone.
So, for the good (and by good, I mean evil) of the supervillain community, I've taken the time to put together a few simple exercises that every super villain should try to do at least three times a week. And to keep you've motivated, I've also included examples of how these exercises will help you in your day to day villainy.
The Super Hero Dead Lift (emphasis on the dead)
Popularized By: Bane, Ozymandias (We know, blah, blah, blah, moral ambiguity, blah, blah, blah. The man monologues with the best of them and he made a giant squid monster to kill half of New York. He's one of ours.)
What supervillain doesn't dream of one day defeating their resident do-gooder, lifting his broken body over your head and, reveling in your victory? But slow down there, cowboy. Before you start passing out cigars, imagine how embarrassing it would be if you bent down to pick up your vanquished foe only to find that while your trigger finger may be in prime shape, you're scrawny biceps aren't up to the task of getting Captain Kitten past chest height. The super hero dead lift is the ideal exercise for making sure this possibility never becomes a reality
When deciding how much weight to start with, visualize your heaviest nemesis. Let's say he's... I don't know, 220-pounds with an additional 50 pounds of assorted bat shaped crap on top of that. Get a barbell and load it up with 270 pounds in disc weights. Set the bar on the ground in front of you, kneel down, and... lift! Hoist the bar high over your head and hold it there as long as you can. Imagine that it is the broken body of your archenemy. At this point you may feel the urge to cackle insanely. If you've got a personal gym in your lair, cackle away. If you're at the local sports club, you may want to try and keep it to yourself for fear of drawing the wrong kind of attention from the manager and getting your membership revoked. If that happens, where will you work on...
2.) The "Shoo, Fly."
Popularized By: Mongul, Darkseid.
Lets say you're in the middle of executing your nefarious scheme when Superman shows up to try and stop you. Furthermore, let's say he brought Batman along with him. I don't know why either, maybe they were on their way out for a burger or something and it was easier to just bring him along. In any case, while you and the invulnerable, super-powered alien are exchanging energy blasts and earth shattering punches, you may feel something tugging lightly at your neck. That's Batman. He's jumped on your back and he's got you in a chokehold. When this happens, what you want to do is grab him by the scruff of the neck and just toss him away. And a good exercise to prepare for this is the "Shoo, Fly."
For this exercise, get the biggest dumbbell you can and hang it back behind your head with one hand. Then, take the weight and toss is it across the room. Do not crush it or rip it in half or do any thing to completely destroy the dumbbell even though it's right there in your hands. Just throw it across the room. You don't even have to throw it that hard, it's certainly not going to get back up and interfere later on in the fight when you're victory seems assured. Why would that happen?
3.) The Focuser
Popularized by: Super Villainesses and Villains with suspiciously few henchwomen.
This is more of a mental exercise. So physically, pick whatever exercise you're most comfortable with. For our example, we'll just say you're doing a bicep curl. The important thing is that you pick the right place to do it. Walk around your local gym until you find wherever the most attractive group of girls is congregated. This will most likely be by the treadmills or the yoga studio. Now, face the girls and begin doing your bicep curls. Do you notice how sloppy your form is? How many times you accidentally hit yourself in the face with the weight?
Well, it's because you're staring at their boobs.
Go ahead and check. We'll wait.
Satisfied? Good. Now you know why you're always losing to Wonder Woman or Emma Frost or Black Canary or any number of super heroines. Though in Black Canary's case you're more likely to be looking at her legs. Her long, fishnet clad...What was I talking about? Anyway, the point is that this is a handicap every male super villain needs to overcome. Get into the habit of doing all of your exercises opposite gaggles of attractive women. At first, this will result in numerous injuries as the increased clumsiness means you'll probably try to do something like the superhero dead lift and drop the weight on your head. But the advantage is that the next time you try to vaporize Spider-Woman with your death ray, you won't accidentally fire off a different kind of shot instead because you had your hand on the wrong trigger without realizing it.
So there it is. Three exercises, three times a week, an hour out of your day max. And if you can stick with it, don't be surprised when Iron Man starts regularly showing up in the heavy-duty armor and your female hostages develop Stockholm Syndrome twice as quickly as they used to.
Comments
As a young supervillain, i can't stress how helpful this sort of guide is.
Supervillains are a part of the normal populace, and with obesity rates rising, it's up to us to ensure that we don't join the plebians in their fatty majority.
Bravo.
Posted by: Mr. Venom | March 27, 2009 10:18 AM